Martha Stewart I ain't

By Rachel

Those of us with children understand: the house is never going to be clean. Not now, not ever. We wax nostalgic about how much time we had back in the day -- time to vacuum, time to do dishes, time to demolish entire mold civilizations in the bathroom.

Ah, but therein lies the fallacy. Sure I used to have more time, but did I really spend it doing housework? Could those mighty mold civilizations (one even built the Hanging Gardens!) ever have arisen if I'd been cleaning all along? No!

When I lived in Chicago, in those carefree, "cleaner" days, I had this recurrent housecleaning fantasy: my husband, who is a physicist, would produce a point-sized black hole in his lab.  He would then find a way to attach this quantum singularity to a cockroach.  The cockroach would drag the black hole around the kitchen and the black hole would suck up dust and dirt, which would never be seen again.  It seemed an elegant and efficient solution. 

Scott pointed out that, aside from the difficulties of producing the black hole and harnessing it to an insect (none of which would be trivial), the big problem with this idea was that the black hole would continue growing until it had swallowed the roach, our furniture, ourselves, and all of Chicago.  Physicists can be such spoilsports.

I suppose it's just as well.  Imagine trying to babyproof a black hole.

I am undeterred, however, in my quest to find a way to clean my home without ever having to lift a finger. My current fantasy involves making Byron a little suit of Swiffer and setting him loose in the kitchen. It would be safer for the universe at large than my black hole idea, but it still has one big drawback: it would take longer to clothe him in dustcloths than to just clean the floor myself.

Somehow my cunning plans for avoiding work always end up making even more work.  But that was true even before the baby.

Comments

[Mindy]

One of the small things from my childhood that permanently and significantly cemented my hero-worship of my mom was a small, stained-glass ornament hung on the refrigerator: "An immaculate house is a sign of a misspent life."

[toni]

I do childcare at home on top of having my own three children. I finally bit the bullet and got a cleaning service twice a month. I am a better mother for it. I have time with my children and can tidy up in the weeks off. Less stress!

[andrea]

re: babyswiffer.

Someone has already thought of that:
http://www.yourbabyphotos.com/funpages/images/babymop2.jpg

[Kelly]

Babyproof a black hole! Hahahahahahaha!

Another most excellent post, Rachel!

[Emily]

yea,i didn't spend anymore time cleaning,it was just less messy without the hordes of toys!!!lol

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

Funny. A couple years ago, my mother sold the family house (thank God) and moved into a new condo. The first time I came back from Egypt to visit I was shocked at how damn spiffy everything looked. It turns out my mom is actually a very neat and tidy person. Who knew.

[Christine]

Nice. Reminds me of the Calvin and Hobbes strip where Hobbes points out that maybe, just maybe Calvin is spending more time coming up with wild and creative ways to get out of doing his homework than the homework itself would have taken. I have the same problem. :)