Daycare duty

By Lori

We had a conflict with our day-care provider yesterday. I won't air the dirty laundry here; I'll just give you a peek into the hamper -- it was a scheduling problem, one I thought we'd resolved before the day even began. Alas, we hadn't, and said provider and Adam had an uncomfortable confrontation. Or rather, a non-confrontation, as Adam was just brusque with her and she called me minutes after, nearly in tears.

Hours of discussion later, we've just shed light on the real problem: She's not me.

Someone else takes care of Emma for five hours a day, four days a week. Twenty hours a week, she's not in my care. And as much as I know that we're lucky that it's 20 hours and not 50 or 60, and we're blessed to have her in nearly one-on-one care with someone who honestly loves her, there's still one big thing. She's just not me.

I know she probably disagrees with some of our parenting ideas. Em's been staying with her for 18 months now, and we've often had to talk about how much TV we consider acceptable, how many sweets Em should have a day, why it's important to us that she's always on time or near it. Adam and I have the 20-hours-a-week thing down, but it's an incredibly fine balance that has each of us using two lunch hours a week to pick Emma up and get her down for a nap. I'm at home one full day each week with her; Adam has her with him in the afternoons while he works. We've got it structured so it just fits with both of us able to do the jobs we get paid for.

So conversations like those yesterday make things really hard. I wanted to use it as an opportunity to express all of the tiny problems I have with Emma's care -- how we end up paying for her to take Emma grocery shopping and to visit friends, how we'd like her to do more structured activities, how it matters that she really eat the planned meals we send instead of a PB&J sandwich. But I knew once that door was opened, it couldn't be closed. We're really lucky to have the setup we have; I hate to rock the boat.

Adam and I both had to bear the brunt of it -- I took the initial call, and he called later to remind her of a scheduling issue today, using that as a chance to try to talk to her again. I think she expected me to be good cop when she called me, to apologize for Adam's behavior, but I didn't. He hadn't done anything wrong. When he called, I emphasized he shouldn't say he was sorry. We have a business relationship with her, and it's not too much to ask that we stick to an agreed-upon schedule. Their conversation quickly devolved, though, with her saying she felt like family and didn't think 15 minutes should matter.

But it does, when we only have 60 to devote to Emma at nap time and it often takes that full hour to get her down. And, truthfully, she's not family. We don't treat her like we would, say, our dentist or a electrician who came to repair something. We trust her with our child. That's a huge thing. But she's not a friend who takes Emma for the afternoon -- we pay for a service. A hugely personal one, but a service nonetheless.

And she's just not me. Emma is my full-time job, I just don't happen to be lucky enough to be with her full time. She's a job for the woman, too, only a paying one, with set guidelines and hours.

How do you strike the balance of employer/employee with a mutual love of your kid?

Comments

[Dullma]

I was searching for help when I find this web site. I hope that someone can give me some advise or info.

I am not satisfied with my daughter's daycare center service and safety. My daughter is 1 1/2yr old. She has many accidents in the daycare during her 4 months life in the daycare center. In all these accidents, she was NEVER at fault and always the victim of the teacher's neglectness and other toddlers bad behavior in her class. One thing angry me is, the daycare did not always report the accidents to me. I discover them accidently when I shower her.

For example, one day I found 3 toddler-size mouth shape with teeth bite marks on her back and 1 on her hands, when I bathed her. she was seriously bitten by others kids. What bother me is the daycare center director and teacher told me they did know such thing happened.

I cannot believe they said that and were so irresponsible. I try withdraw from the center immediately, but they said I have to pay them 2 weeks tuition if I do so, because I did not give them 2-weeks notices.

I just want to know what did the law say. What is my parent right? I feel so bad because I have complained about this before, and the more I complained, they ignore my daughter more....

I live in WI, if you can tell me where to find out more info or to file a complain about the daycare, please let me know. I really like to voice my right.

thanks

[Julie]

I just wanted to comment on this post because I am a licensed child care provider and have almost exactly the oppoiste experience as you :) The parents that bring their children to my home feel as though I should be more flexible and understanding and treat them like family instead of clients. I should understand if they show up 15 minutes after closing and I shouldn't charge them a late fee even though I've just missed my sons school concert. I should understand when they want to float their payment to me an extra week because they have other, more important bills to pay. I love all of the chldren that come to my home very much but I also have a business to run, so yes it is a fine line and it can run both ways.

I will say that as far as doing what each individual parent wants, and I believe my situation is different as 6 children come in to my home each day, is just not feasible for me. And I do not feel, in my situation, that each parent is my employer. I offer a service and they are my clients. I am self-employed and therefore my own boss. I outline my philosophies and practices in a 10 page handbook and if we all feel it's a good fit then that acts as our guideline. If it's not a good fit then the parents look to other providers for a better fit. That's the nature of the business.

Otherwise I would be doing 6 different breakfasts, lunches and snacks and would never get out of the kitchen :) I would be doing 6 different routines/schedules/curriculums and we would all be confused.

So, in closing, I guess I simply wanted to agree that the relationship between the adults involved should be viewed as a business one and honestly this is the first time I've seen a parent that feels this way also. I enjoyed the post and hope I offered another perspective :)

[Robin]

Yikes! Tricky situation. I have had problems with my aunt who only watches my 6 yr old daughter Lillianna on Thursdays from 2:45pm-6:30pm. She is a fussy eater so I send a sandwich or chicken nuggets for her main meal. My aunt can give her veggies and fruit so I don't pack those. Well one night Lillianna didn't have any dinner since my aunt decided she could eat dijon mustard chicken! Who are we kidding here? So she went home hungry when my husband picked her up. Why can't a care giver listen to a parent's wishes? If I had the answer to that question I think I would know almost everything!

[Ro]

Hi everyone. I'm Ro, I run the mommybrain clique Dot-Moms is a member of and I often come thru here but never comment. I thought I would touch base on this topic though. I am very fortunate to where I have my mother as my caregiver for my children while I work or if I need a babysitter. I wouldnt have it any other way to be honest since it is so hard to find a good, honest, loving person to care for your child. A very good friend of mine has done work as a nanny off and on for the last few years. Her last job had her in charge of 2 year old twins who she absolutely adored and became very close with. Eventually the family moved out of state and she was out of a job. That was last year. She recently started a blog/personal site for herself and she had made a page dedicated to those two children, their full names, birthdates, etc. were displayed with a few paragraphs of how she will always love those children as if they were her own, etc. How she thought she was 'family' and cant imagine why she wasnt asked to move with them to continue as their nanny. After a very long conversation with her I have yet to make her understand why she is NOT part of their family... Yes if I had a care giver I would hope that we got along very well and were friends in the respect of mutual concern for my children however I think there is a fine line between friends you concider family and a nanny who you consider family in a different light.