The gift that keeps on giving

By Andrea

According to a recent study published by the Toronto Star, 60 percent of mothers would prefer being given free time alone to themselves over any other gift. i.e. chocolates for Mother's Day.

I actually shrieked when I read that – 60 percent! Wha? It seems much too low!

I wondered about that other 40 percent. Are they so well-balanced that they don't ever need time to themselves? What's their secret? Do they decompress while driving little Tommy to soccer practice? Or is it just that they really like getting those chocolates and bath baubles for Mother's Day?

As much as I love my children, I also truly enjoy solitary time away from them, doing the things that I love… whether it's taking photos while wandering around Ottawa, wandering thoughtfully around a museum, or just reading the newspaper at the neighborhood coffee shop.

The truth is that this time away makes me a better parent. I am happier and more relaxed. My grumpy mood evaporates because I've had the time to regroup and revisit the person I used to be in my pre-children days. Is it fair to say that I love my children even more upon my return? Perhaps. But I am definitely part of that 60 percent. Are you?

Comments

[Elizabeth Thomas]

I'm not a mom yet, so I can't say what my personal preferences will be. But I remember in college offering to take a friend's son for Mother's Day so she could have some time off. She was shocked, and said that as a single mom and a full-time student she got so little time with him that the last thing she wanted for Mother's Day was a day off. So there are some people honestly in that 40%. It might be that the statistics are skewed by the fact that they are for Mother's Day.

[Joye]

You are damn right I am. And for the record, I think the remaining 40% are just embarassed to say they want some time to themselves...

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

The other 40 percent were ashamed to admit it. Or have already gone insane, maybe?

[daddydaycare]

Stay-at-home-Moms should get BOTH! Our situation is three kids under three, twins plus one younger. We both spend time with the kids every day -- the person who works gets the evenings, say 5-8pm and the other gets the long days, 7am-5pm. It is clearly defined. One or the other is In Charge. We split weekends 50/50, usually 1/2 day each or we "suffer" together if we have an outing.

If there is one thing primaries (mothers or fathers) deserve more than any other, it's free time. Most working men want to come home, lie on the couch and watch TV like their father did. When they can't get away with that, they want to go out with their friends and blow off home life all together. Forgetaboutit. The world has changed -- make them take over. Cook. Clean. Watch the kids. Just because primaries don't get paid for it doesn't mean it's not work -- and come to think of it, pay yourself a previously agreed upon fee. If he works the child hours, he gets paid too. And if they complain about your nit-picking because you want it done a certain way, then make them explain why they do it the way they do and give in at least half the time. (saves therapy bills)

The equalibrium is when both parents are happy with their contribution and their free time. The up side is that as parents, you are interchangable. And your kids will marvel at your versatility and thrive on the dual attention. Understandably, under this system, both parents have a little free time (less than they would prefer) but both parents also have more free time than they would have if one was constantly suffering and the other was a "lone wolf."

And if your husband is one of those guys that's too "tough" to do dishes, diapers, whatever, then send him down to the bookstore and tell him to go get a freakin' book and learn how. Men will spend $100 on Fantasy Football books/leagues but won't learn how to change a diaper? The roles are blending. We, as fathers, can think Darwin and adapt or we, as fathers, can think dinosaurs and be extinct. I'm not stupid enough to say I like it, but I'm smart enough to say it works...

My opinion only. Free and worth it.

[Helene]

Most certainly! However, I'm lucky to also have job that I love, which gives me a daily break. So if I took into consideration this, there are many days I'd fine myself on the other 40% side :)

[Kelly]

Most certainly. If I don't get a little head space where I'm not being called on to *be* something to someone, then I'm very difficult to be around. I always feel guilty for wanting that for Mother's day though. I feel like because it's Mother's day, I should be spending the whole shebang with the boogers who made me Mom in the first place. But the day before? Leave me alone!

[liz]

without a doubt I start getting loopy if I don't get at least a few of hours by myself each week. Mine usually comes during preschool Monday and Wednesday mornings, and if I'm lucky Wednesday afternoons while the hubby and son 'bond'. I agree with you, I wonder what's up with the other 40%!

[Robin]

The only time I have to myself is the 2 1/2 hours that Lillianna is in kindergarten. During that time I watch "Charmed" while I eat my breakfast. Then I clean up and it's time to get her at the bus stop at 10:30am! I work 2 nights a week and all weekend. I would LOVE, absolutely LOVE a day to myself to meet with friends or do something on my own. I think I will ask Rich for "a day" for a Mother's Day gift this year!!! I will give him his own day for Father's Day! What a great idea!! I am going to start planning it now.

[Emily]

I am definately one of the 60%.It's vital to my well being..lol