Making new friends harder than keeping the old

By Nancy

Making new friends was never one of my strengths. I'm one of those people who has friends scattered around the country from different parts of my life, but no group of best girlfriends in my neighborhood or my town or my state. Okay, I don't even have one local best friend.

I have friends. But, I have yet to find a real buddy since moving here 5 years ago. Someone you've just got to call and chat with when something unbelievable happens. And, to tell you the truth, after my last two encounters with would-be buddies, I'm more cautious than ever.

Potential friend Number 1 and I have been working on a volunteer project together for a while. We have kids the same age and we're both working moms. We got together a couple of times for coffee and lunch. Then one day, out of the blue she puts on the hard press to host a party so that she can hawk some packaged foods she's selling on the side -- think Pampered Chef without the gadgets. She was really pushing. I hate those parties. There is no way I'm going to invite the friends I do have to my house and ask them to buy something. I wouldn't have minded so much if she had been more subtle about it. She's off my potentials list.

The second woman and I appeared to have more in common. We have a more similar career background, although she doesn't work now. Again, kids the same age. After several lunches, I realize, she's a gossip who oversees the social lives of her children in an attempt to ensure that they are in the "popular clique." I didn't know they had popular cliques at age 7, let alone among boys. And here's the bad part, if I don't keep up our friendship, she'll gossip about me and try to make my kid unpopular.

I think I'll stick to my out-of-town friends.

Comments

[Mieke]

It is hilarious and a bit absurd to write this, but -- maybe you should move to Los Angeles. I know L.A. is about the last place that pops into one's mind when it comes to thinking of people with depth and character, but I am constantly meeting wonderful people. Too many, in fact.

I find it essential to my surviving and thriving in motherhood to have a strong network of friends (with children and without, single or married). I have found them in coffee shops, playgrounds, synagogue, pediatricians' offices, in classes, elevators, business meetings, everywhere. For me the key is being open.

Like everything else, it's a numbers game. Sure you'll talk to thirty different mothers at the playground in a week, and only one or two of them is going to join the "inner circle" of your life. But you gotta talk to all thirty to find those two gems that you will add to group of people who you know have got your back.

[Jo]

Nancy, how amazingly ironic, as I just wrote a post for this board today on the very same topic. Must be something universal, as I am really struggling with this right now - wow.

I am realizing that my old friends and I are drifting apart, likely because they are all childless right now. I feel like there is a divide between us, and it's been hard, as there are days when I SO wish to be having this experience with a really close friend who gets it. I have been meeting new people since becoming PG and having Liam; but making the connection - finding that special "best friend" has been tough. I did find it, interestingly, three years ago - we're both transplants where I currently live, and we had an amazing amount in common. Sadly, she moved back east three weeks ago. I am still getting over it. I am back to square one.

I am realizing, though, that while I yearn for that close bond with another woman, I would rather be "alone" as you allude to, than hang with a bunch of women who I just don't relate to. I guess having kids in common isn't all that makes a friendship, (obviously), and perhaps it's more just about life changing you...nonetheless, being with people you really enjoy is what makes each day special. Be them friends or your husband/ partner/ children. In the end, I do feel that things happen for a reason - you never know, maybe you'll meet your special buddy at the grocery store? Those things tend to happen to me - good things when least expected ;)

[Marcia]

Yep, my closest college friends live far away. It's so hard to meet new people and develop friendships (with people you really connect) when you're a grown-up.

I think it takes some effort, making first overtures (for coffee or lunch or whatever) with people you think you might like to get to know better. Not everyone will turn into a best friend though.

I wish all of my blog friends lived on my street!

[AGK]

I have MANY wonderful friends whom I've never met in real life, those I've met online. But my last best friend really worked me over good, so I haven't had a friend to actually hang out with in a very long time. I long for one, but so far, no one has fit the bill. SO I know how you feel :(

[pretendingsanity]

Gosh, I feel your pain. What is it about us that makes us hard to befriend? I think that I am a really good friend, so why can't someone see that? I'm just not willing to have a fakey kind of friendship. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it for real.

[Emily]

We have moved several times with my husbands job,and I have to have friends.I think when you do find that person you can share things with...all the hassle seems worth it.

[Lei]

I find it harder and harder to make close friends as I get older. I think maybe it's harder to find people to connect with on more than one level esp. since I don't have much time nowadays to invest in getting to know a person. I'm more of an extrovert than an introvert, so I do crave having more friends living closer by, but when I read a story like yours, I know that's not all wine and roses!

[Robin]

My life is too important to waste my time on people who don't contribute in a positive way! Any "friend" who tries to manipulate me into having a party to sell her crap is no friend of mine. If I OFFERED that would be different. How rude! Dump her!
As for the gossip...how petty can you get? Here is a woman with some serious issues! How can a Mom make someone else's child unpopular? What a sick, sick woman!
If I were you I would get rid of both of these losers and if they were in your house I would buy a sage stick and "smudge" your house to purify it from all the bad energy!
If you don't get something good from a relationship then get out! Life is too short to be pals with people who suck the energy out of you!!
You deserve so much more!

[Short North Mama]

I am in a similar situation. I have close friends in about 6 different cities. No one lives in the city where I live now. I seem to only be able to nurture about 2 or 3 friendships in my local area at any one time, so I am really careful about who makes the cut. So far, since we moved a year ago, I haven't met anyone worth the effort.

[Goldberry]

I had a friend from high school like your #2. We just talked about her gossip and hurtful comments. the door is left open, but I will not be jumping out of my seat to tell her anything special. I have two great friends left in this life of mine. Both are long distance. We are not distracted my the everyday complications of the other. We talk for hours catching up, and its great! One friend I would LOVE to have here. She enjoys everything I do and we talk about our stuff, not every one else's stuff. She used to live here and I miss her tons.

[Helene]

Yes, I have neighbor/friend just like #1, but I'm glad when I think about it that I've never developed a close relationship with potential friend type #2 - although I'm sad to say that I do know several woman who only have friendships of this type.

I'm a bit like you, better at maintaining close friendships from a distance. Being a close friend doesn't mean you have to live within 20 minutes driving time of each other, it has more to do with the ability to connect even if you're 20 million miles away.

[VJ]

Can you imagine what potential friend number 2's kids are going to be like?

I have had a similar situation with a potential friend I discovered I couldn't really trust. She is shallow and flighty. One time she called just to dig information out of me. She didn't get it. She couldn't understand why I wasn't talking, or just giving half answers. I really didn't want to be the center of any gossip.