Tenderness and Grace

by Mindy

I am getting a divorce. Not getting a divorce, as if I somehow deserved it, or getting a divorce as if it were something new and exciting and an entree to the next phase of my life although in a very morbid sense it is.

I hate the passive sense of that phrase. But not as much as I hate the feelings I have when I think, "I'm divorcing my husband," or "my marriage is ending," or "we're splitting up," although that last one is the one I most often employ to explain things to others.

There just doesn't seem to be a way to describe the process of divorce, and all of the events and feelings and battles and happiness and devotion and heartbreak and joy and effort and planning and living and sleeping and eating and learning and remembering and forgetting and thinking -- desperate thinking -- that is all an inextricable part of the process.

See? I just wrote a whole paragraph and I'm still dissatisfied with it. Which is eerily akin to the feeling I have about my doomed marriage. I lived eleven years within it and I still can't seem to make it smile.

Ahhhh, but the children... the children. The children (I love saying those words) are lovely and happy and secure and clever and charming and they love us both to pieces. I can't think of a better place to be with regard to the children. If we could bring them this far with such stupendous results, surely we can shepherd them through the next, difficult phase with some tenderness and grace?

Tenderness and Grace. I didn't know I was going to use those words until I wrote them, but I am completely in love with them already! If I were to get pregnant again (by divine intervention or drunken irresponsibility) and wind up with twin girls, I would name them Tenderness and Grace. I am going to needlepoint a sampler that declares, "Tenderness and Grace!" and has little primroses adorning the letters, and perhaps a mourning dove or three off in the corner. I might even have it tattooed on my ass.

Suddenly I'm feeling better about this. If I can pull it off without others thinking I have finally gone completely around the bend, I will start describing the process as Divorcing with Tenderness and Grace.

"We haven't seen you in ages! How are things?"

"Oh, well, it's been hectic, as always. We're divorcing with Tenderness and Grace."

"Oh! Um... oh."

I'm grinning already. That should do nicely.

Comments

[Sallie]

Damn! I had NO IDEA... but I have seen it coming "with tenderness and grace" and humor and friendship. For close to a year I have read and watched you. Believe it or not{prob. NOT} I am welled-up with emotion. That is "me" one bundled-up emotional human, post divorce. I have been where you are; I relived many things as I read here. My words for our "D" was more about "Time and Space" seasoned with growth and responsibility. I am sorry! I feel sorry for any adult/child that has to endure the environment
...before, now and afterwords. Children never ask to be in that place. My children are now a product of divorce and so am I. I wish I had a magic want to change so many things...for you and for many. It is hell on Earth. The hardest thing I have ever been through. It seems to never end.

Thanks for sharing. Your post was beautiful. It must have been hard to do. ~Hugs back~

[Rockchild]

My parents been having problems forever! He drinks alot, did drugs, cheated, and treated us bad, and even since my mom is tuff, she keeps giving him chances!

My dad is a little bit better now, and I love him and my mom, but if my mom would have got divorced I think we would have been ok, because I know she doing this for us and she's not happy with him.

I know it's crazy for me saying this since you don't know me that well since I don't post pictures or my real name on my blog, Mindy, but I think you will pull your kids through this dificult time with tenderness and grace, and in the end I hope you will be happy, not unhappy like my mom with my dad.

You are in my thoughts, Mindy!

**HUGS**

[ebeth]

best of luck with tenderness and grace.. my ride along with trial and tribulation weren't that much fun, but i'm better for the experience. seriously - best thoughts for you.

[Martha]

Mindy, if anybody can do it with Tenderness and Grace, it's you. My thoughts are with you.

[Hula Doula]

I haven't been divorced and I can't pretend to know your feelings but the truth is...I respect that you all are trying to keep the tenderness and grace between you. HUGS to you

[Kathy Howe]

I have been in a divorce battle for two years now - Sept 1 was the two year anniversary of him moving out and the battle beginning.

Tenderness and grace...I know nothing of that. Melodrama and Battle...Mir and I have much in common.

There is no good way to describe the process - it is personal and it is ugly even when it is amicable and it is hard to share, even with people that have been down the path.

Hang in there, Mindy...you are bright and strong and your exceptional frame of mind and wonderful sense of humor will help get you through this.

[Helene]

What courageous post. You say and write it so eloquently that I can’t imagine you doing any other way. Best of luck to you.

[Gail]

If anybody can do it with "Tenderness and Grace," you can. Luckily, that's the way mine went and 12 years later, it's still going that way. You can do it!

[kelly]

Oh, Mindy. What stupendous writing. Best of luck to you maintaining the tenderness and grace.

[Spring]

Mindy,

I sympathize with you, even though thats probably not what you're looking for. Sympathy. I know how gut wrenching it must be because I have finally come to the conclusion that I need a divorce from my spouse. My spouse has threatened me though. It is always better to do it with 'Tenderness and Grace', instead of 'Torture and Threat'. So I have decided to be witty about the process and save and then get out. Your story is charming even though I'm sure thats a word you could do without. I know that things will be great with you in the long run. Much support. -Spring

[FabGirlie]

Mindy-pants,
As a long-time reader/linker, I was totally bamboozled when I read this. (How did I miss the signs??) I can't imagine the whole tenderness and grace thing, because murderous thoughts leapt into MY mind.
My thoughts will be with you. I know your children will fare thee well as they have such a caring/adoring/kick-ass (circle one) mom.
Best...

[Robin P]

When Rich and I separated last year I was basically kicking and screaming because I didn't want this to happen but all in all we had a friendly separation. (He initially told me this would absolutely lead to divorce so that was in my mind at the time.) It was really heartbreaking for me...all the broken dreams and hopes for the future gone! It was such an awful time for me and Lillianna who was 5 years old at the time.

I know this must be a difficult time for all of you. I am sure you will all pull together and make this work. Tenderness and grace gets my vote. Bitterness and resentment totally suck! Your children will thrive if you always treat each other with respect.

[Amber]

I can't imagine you doing anything without tenderness and grace when your children are involved in it. Peace...

[Mir]

Let me know how divorcing with Tenderness and Grace goes. Personally, I did not enjoying divorcing with Melodrama and Battle, so I'm curious to see if your way works out better. ;) Smooches.