By Anne-Marie
Both Nathan and Lucie are preemies and had several health and developmental issues as infants -- reflux, low muscle tone, and motor skill delays. My baby books had a paragraph or two on reflux, and didn't mention the other problems. The preemie books I read after Nathan's birth only covered time in the NICU and more severe health problems, like cerebral palsy. The parenting magazines were even worse. Their advice seemed too general and overly simplified.
Eventually, I gave up on the books and magazines thinking they weren't right for our situation. Instead, I relied on our therapists and pediatricians, a wonderful reflux newsletter, and the occasional online message board for help.
I skated along advice-free until this summer when Nathan developed teenage-like behaviors -- defiance, rudeness, talking back, and not listening. I did not know how to deal with this very pissed off preschooler. And nothing I did seemed to work. The more severe my actions and reactions, the worse he got. I seriously considered FedExing him to his grandmother.
I wondered where to turn to, so I did what millions of people do each day. I Googled my problem. I typed in "discipline four-year-old behavior" and found all sorts of advice. Be consistent and understanding. Reinforce good behavior. Set limits and have consequences. Take away privileges when necessary. Use distractions and humor. Pick your battles.
I learned that even though Nathan has a great need for attention, he's learning to be independent. Defiance is how he asserts himself when he doesn't like the rules. Bottom line, he's exhibiting normal four-year-old behaviors.
No kidding. But how can we get our polite, sweet Nathan back?
One night my husband, Paul, devised a plan: a behavior chart, complete with stickers for good and bad days, goal setting, rewards, consequences for bad behavior, and a signed contract.
So it turned out that the parent who didn't read the books, magazines, and online advice came up with a practical solution. Considering that Paul has a degree in behavioral psychology, that actually makes sense.
The chart seems to be working. Nathan has had over two weeks of mostly good behavior. Score one for daddy.
AHHH the magical world of 4. I hated it. I say that with love though. Spencer turning 4 coencided with the birth of his baby brother Gibson. My sweet charming Spencer seemed to change from a cute cuddly loveable, fairly good listener to. KID FROM HELL! Almost over night. I've done some research..OK I just ask around a lot. and it seems that it's totally normal. We tried the charts and the rewards, they worked for a second but usually ended in disaster. Now that Spencer is six it really isn't any better, I just know how to cut him off at the pass when he's headed down a road I don't like....So encouraging isn't it? Don't get me wrong Spencer is still a great kid, he's just great in a totally diffrent way now.
Posted by: Lizz | October 21, 2004 at 03:13 PM
Ummm...I hate to break it to you, daddydaycare, but it's the age at work here, and not the socialization/preschool issue, I'm betting...
Anne-Marie, I came up with something similar when we were having issues here: the marble jars. Each child got 10 marbles in a jar at the beginning of the week. Predefined offenses lost you a marble, having mom 'catch you' do something good earned you a marble. And marbles got used as currency: for special privileges (a trip to the video game store), extra television watching, etc.
The kids insisted that I have a jar as well, for things like inappropriate language (something I'm guilty of). I'd like to be able to say that I always kept all of my marbles, but I fear that's just not the truth...
Posted by: Betsy | October 19, 2004 at 09:50 AM
We're having this problem in stereo with our 2 1/2 year old twins. Funny thing. It all started right after they started pre-school. Daycare behaviors. Massive defiance. Kick/scream temper tantrums on the floor. Getting dressed in the morning is like walking through the local car wash. Socialization is over-f*cking rated. What the hell are you doing to my kids? Let's all take our kids to pre-school so they can learn to act like the rest of society! Good idea! Although I only need two now, I borrowed three cages from the Oakland Zoo and set them up in the garage. Things are better now. (grin)
Posted by: daddydaycare | October 18, 2004 at 08:07 PM