What works for one...

By Analee

Have you ever gone out with your child and seen some onlooker with disapproval on his/her face? Have you ever received unsolicited advice about how you should handle your own child? Have you ever heard a loud tsk-tsk behind you when your toddler starts one of his tantrums? 

This week, I went out with my 15-month-old son. Since I knew that I was going to eat at the fair where they sell mostly junk food, I made sure that I had something for him.  When we finally sat down to rest, I unpacked his little backpack and gave him his drink and cookies. I looked up a few seconds later and there was this old woman shaking her head from side to side, with a look of distaste on her face. For a moment there, I experienced insecurity and wondered if, in this simple act, I did something wrong.

The same thing happens whenever Jan-Patrick would practice his stacking abilities and climb up. Distract him, I will try. Admonish him, maybe. And if he still insists, let him climb up, I will. Most of the time, a frown or tsk-tsk is thrown my way.

There are times when I am guilty of disapproving of someone else's parenting style. However, I refrain from showing even a hint of censure. Because what works for one, may not work for another. The fact that a lot of people forget that fact exasperates a lot of parents, including me.

I let my child feed himself. Even if it means stained shirts and sticky fingers. Nothing that a few wet tissues would not solve. Priceless are the moments when he would beam at me as if to say, "Look Ma, I fed myself!" 

I let my child take risks. Even at a young age, I let him discover his own strengths and weaknesses. If he insists on doing something that might hurt him, even after several warnings, I let him. As long as it would not hurt him seriously and as long as I see that this simple experiment of his would result in him discovering something new. And, if he does get hurt on occasion, mommy will be there to comfort him.

I choose not to be over-protective because I want my son to develop self-esteem and self-confidence. This can only be achieved through practice. If he makes mistakes then so be it. It will not be the end of the world. He may cry, yes, but he will also learn.

My parenting style has been getting a lot of flak, even from friends. Some even choose to misunderstand my approach and say that I neglect my child. Despite the censure, I will encourage him to experiment and try out new things so that he will later grow up with a sanguine temperament -- someone who can deal with changes and can handle whatever it is that life throws at him.

Like every parent, I will strive to be loving, patient and consistent with my child. The only difference is that I may need more wet tissues.

Comments

[Lesley]

I often wonder how some parents are apparently not busy enough with their own children that they feel they must take an interest in the disciplining of other people's kids! (And let's not even mention those people who aren't parents but still insist on offering advice!) Parenting is such a learn-as-you-go endeavor, I am never 100% sure I'm doing the right thing, but I'm always trying to do my best. I try to give others that benefit of the doubt, and I certainly appreciate it when I am shown the same courtesy. Thanks for the article!

[sneaky96]

I agree with your article, from experience, I have two boys and we were too overbearing on our first son but kind of let the second one do his own thing, even if he fell more often or made a mess. Result? Well, it may not be scientific but my oldest son now has some insecurities about doing things on his own but my youngest just goes at it. He is more aggressive, more outgoing when playing with other kids and at times will say No when he wants things his way. My oldest son needs to learn that there is nothing wrong with making mistakes, that inaction due to fear can paralyze anyone from accomplishing their dreams. Wish you the best!

[Auntie M]

I agree with you. We were the first in our group to have kids and we didn't have any role models, but I knew I didn't want to be too strict. My family still doesn't understand my approach on parenting.. how I let my children have more freedom than they ever would or do. They think I'm too lax. I've always thought that when I reign my kids in I was stifling something that could be special. I'd rather my kids try things and test the limits. I want them to be confident. The other day a mother from my son's class told me I'm so "zen" about mothering. Not sure if that was a compliment, but I took it as such.