Parenting confessions: the holiday version

By Betsy

I did not have my children with me this Christmas. I didn't have my kids with me last Christmas, either. Or this past Thanksgiving. Or the one before that, come to think of it.

Friends and relatives automatically move into righteous indignation mode when they hear this. "You should switch off from year to year," they exclaim after hearing this is the second year in a row that the kids will be with their dad for Christmas. They invite me over to join their big gift opening extravaganzas Christmas morning out of sympathy, or get upset when they hear I've spent even part of the holiday alone.

But here's my dirty little secret: I really don't mind it. At all.

Part of it comes from my own ambivalence about Christmas itself -- how it's celebrated nowadays, what it means for children being raised with other religious beliefs. And part of it comes from the greater good the kids get by celebrating special days with their father -- they get pulled into a huge extended family of people who love them and include them in the festivities. And, if I'm being honest, part is pure selfishness; I don't mind missing the

5 a.m. wakeup call for Santa, for example, or being able to make spontaneous holiday plans with friends.

And finally, when I start wondering if I'm just being too Pollyanna-ish -- or too selfish --  I'm reminded of all the children who will never celebrate holidays with their parents again, or be present for even one minute of the hundreds of less memorable days on the calendar. Me? I am my kids' primary parent. I have as many of those ordinary days as I want, and I have the ability to make the unmemorable remarkable, any time I want.

Which is why we inaugurated a new holiday tradition this year: Christmas Adam. (Using "Christmas Eve Eve" was very confusing to 6-year-old Zoe, who is just grasping days of the week.) I thawed Bolognese sauce upon request, we made Magic Snowman Soup in the Santa Claus mugs, exchanged gifts, and just hung out, secure in the knowledge that we'd survive not being together for a particular day on the calendar.

And we did.

Comments

[Claude]

What are definitions of the busy Mom, I went to www.kathyireland.com and found a lot of helpful answers, would you agree with me? please advise.

[RobinP]

This reminds me of my friend,Kristy. When I met her she was divorced from her sons' dad and was remarried. Her boys were 11 and 12. They lived with their dad. When people would hear of her situation they would immediately be horrified and gasp,"What did she do to lose custody of the boys?" Do? Do? She didn't do anything. She left a bad marriage. He was an awesome dad but not a good husband for her. Instead of moving her boys out of their nice home and moving them into her one bedroom apt, she chose to move to the same town and leave the boys in their house,with their own rooms,their friends in the neighborhood and able to attend their own school. She still saw them almost every day.
People mean well, but they need to butt out!
You are a kind,caring and loving mom. Your kids and your ex are very lucky indeed!! Christmas Adam sounds like fun. They will always remember your kindness and generosity!

[Tonya]

What a healthy approach to life and childrearing. : )