When toddlers hit, bite and pull hair

By Lauri Jon

Okay, I can tell already that this is going to be one of my first real parenting challenges. Our 14-month-old daughter, Maricella, has begun to hit, bite and pull hair when she's frustrated with me.

It's happened twice -- the biting and the pulling my hair that is (and she only hit once). The first time she pulled my hair was a few days ago when we were in the park. We were getting ready to leave the park and she was walking back and forth up and down a sidewalk ramp when I picked her up to go. She immediately grabbed onto my hair with both her hands and began pulling. And when she did it, I raised my voice and said, "Maricella, no -- we don't pull mommy's hair when we're frustrated." She must have felt bad because she let go of my hair and hugged me. When she did it again yesterday for basically the same reason, I said, "Maricella, no -- we don't pull mommy's hair when we're frustrated. But you can hug mommy instead."

The first time she bit me, we were in a car dealership buying cars. I picked her up, preventing her from walking where she wanted to and she bit my shoulder. I yelled, "Maricella, no -- we don't bite."

I asked my mother-in-law if she had to face the same situation, and what she did. She said that when her kids bit her she bit them back to teach them that it hurt. She did the same thing with the hair pulling and said that it stopped the biting and hair pulling.

Logically, part of me feels that her tactic would work, but the thought of me having to -- I can't even write it -- the thought of me having to physically hurt my own child to make a point is -- unfathomable. Does that make me a mommy wimp?

I probably should have seen this coming. We haven't been able to stop her from pulling the cat's tail and legs. I know I'm going to have to nip these behaviors in the bud, but right now I'm clueless as to how to proceed. (I wish my mom was alive so I could throw this one at her.) I know I can do the tough-love thing if I need to, and I probably will need to.

Maricella's also standing on her little-big girl chair. She'd do it over and over and we took her chair away for a while. That worked, for the most part. Occasionally she stands, but if I don't make a fuss and just say, "Maricella, please sit down in your chair," and look away, she'll sit. On another note, she's also begun to put her finger in her nose, and she'll repeat it if I make a fuss about it. But if I just say, "Big girls don't put their fingers in their noses," and ignore her, she'll stop doing it.

I know all these behaviors are experimenting and boundary testing, but she's my first child and I want her to know that hitting, biting and pulling hair are unacceptable behaviors.

I'd love to hear how you handled and corrected these bad behaviors. And I'd love to know if it happened around 14 months.

Comments

[Erica]

My son is 17 months old he hits constantly to just myself and my husband we tell him no hit and he puts his head down and then he hits again and laughs we are at a breaking point what should we do we tried ignoring him also and speaking calmly he is surprizingly very strong and when I go in public he hits me in the face and laughs he just started this 2 weeks ago please give me some constructive critisim

[Christi]

I have a nanny that stays with my 14 month old, and also brings her 16 month old to work with her. She has been with us for about 4 months, and her sons behavior has progressively gotten worse. Its clear he doesnt like to share his mommy. So he acts out on my son with biting hitting him with objects or even in the face. He tries to take toys away from him all the time. He simply just doesnt like to share anything. I've been there when some things have happened. The only discipline I've seen is a time out in the corner, in which he decides when he's done and simply walks away. Theres no correction on the moms part. My son certainly has his fussy days, but for the most part, he has a pretty sweet disposition and spirit. I would hate for this other child to crush that. I dont want to fire her because of her sons behavior or her parenting "skills, or lack of....but what do I do with her? I cant tell her how to parent, but obviously the time out thing doesnt work!! Hes in charge...any suggestions?

[sally]

My daughter is 2 she will be 3 in May and she bites pinches, pulls hair, and sratches. This has been going on for about 1 year, we have tried everything. She knows its wrong and after says sorry or gives kisses but has not stopped the behavior. Please help any advice.

[sandy]

my daughter is 2 1/2 and she is so sweet most of the time. but she gets in these moods everyday almost were she hits other kids and pulls there hair pushes them and she even hits some adults pease help me. i dont know what to do

[Joetta]

My son does bite and hit all the time and even though i have hit him back not that hard and bite him back so he knows that it hurts he laughs at me hell then hug me but he dosen't listen and he keeps on doing it i need some advice because i have no idea what to do at this point.

[Serena Patterson]

my son is 13 months he will crawl up onto me kiss me a couple of times and then hit me. does anyone have any suggestions as to why he does this or ways to let him know it's not okay???? thank you, Serena

[laura]

My nephew is always binting hitting pinching or pulling hair, not just out of anger though when my daughter or my self come he runs up and pinchers us all the time he is now going to be two and we are not sure why he does it, he does it when he is happy and he does it when he's mad??

[mona]

hi,plz i need ur helpd cause my 18 month son louie is getting hit from other kids same as his age or even younger i dnt know what to do,he doesnt even try to defend himself ....

[melissa]

Help!I have a 25 month old daugher who is an angel in her own home and when she goes to play at other toddlers homes. But when she goes to play groups she turns into a monster. She is forever hitting other children on the head and face, especially babies. I am very embarrassed about this and after playgroup finished today she had hit a six month old and two 12 month old babies. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. Each time I get down to her level and my face and attitude changes and I say No, you do not hit. I have actually taken her up to the babies she has hit and asked her to say sorry on one occassion (she didn't!)
Any answers appreciated

[Lauren]

Thank heavens for this site! I have a 14 month old boy who has started hitting everything...me, his sister, even himself...and Ive been beating myself up, wondering what I did wrong-after reading all the posts it seems that this is the normal age and normal behavior. The most effective treatment Ive found to deal with toddlers (esp. my 2 1/2 year old daughter) is "putting them behind the wall": when they do something bad, verbally reprimand them, and then ignore them for a little while. Toddlers are completely driven by attention, which makes it very effective. I wondered if my son was too young for this treatment, but I think I'll give it a try to combat the hitting.

[Lisa]

We've pretty much solved the hitting/biting problem with my 12 month old. When he hit, usually me - in the face, I would grab his hand, make clear eye contact and sternly tell him No Hitting. I would also say that biting hurts and it's just not nice. After doing just that consistently for about 4 weeks, he's completely stopped. Same with biting, although I do get nipped every once in a while. I think part of the biting problem can be teething. Cross' first two teeth appeared at 10 weeks, now he has 12. So, I think sometimes he just has an intense need to chew and he grabs the closest thing...often my foot. Ouch.

[tinkiebelli]

oooh, I found this site while looking for solutions for biters. I just got a two week termination notice for Ashton. He is biting every one, he even bit a newborn who was lying on the floor. I don't know what to do. I understand that the other babies need to be safe, and I am so worried about what the parents of the bitee is thinking about my child. I just don't want them to be giving my babie any nasty looks. He is sensitive. I don't know what to do, I have tried everything, I am still waiting on this to pass, but it is not passing quickly enough. By the way, Ashton is a twin and he is constantly biting his brother as well. I understand that the other parents would be upset, I get very upset when Cody gets attacked by Ashton.

[Camellia]

My mom suscribed to the bite back theory, in my case it worked.....coures it took my nearly biting a chunk outta my sisters forehead for her to resort to it, but I never bit again. Well okay I still bite in fun lol.

[Kate]

Hi-
My son is 13 months, and doesn't bite. To get attention, he becomes the human remote control, or pulls all my fiance's car and driver mags off of the shelf. I agree with most of the previous posts that biting back just doesn't work, if you feel the urge, just put your child in a safe place and leave the room, if possible. Remember, all that your child will remember is that you bit her, not that what she was doing was inappropriate. Just my 2 cents worth.:)

[Amy]

No advice, you have plenty here! Just wanted to let you know that my daughter went through a period of biting us, then biting and daycare (and pushing too! glorious!). We tried absolutely EVERYthing (except biting her back, because everything I read suggested not to do it) and what ultimately worked was....her moving through the phase. :) Eventually she just stopped - I think it had a lot to do with development. The other thing we noticed is that it got worse when something in her environment changed - like a new child at daycare or a move to a new house. Hang in there!

[Karyn]

My daughter went through this at 14 months, just before last Christmas. She was only biting me and always on the shoulder. I read a few books to get ideas and most no longer recommended biting them back a) because generally it doesnt work and b) it is sending the message that its ok to respond to being hurt by hurting the person back - not the message I wanted to give to my daughter.
As it turned out, I used the method of putting her down on the floor immediately after she had bitten me and clearly ignoring her for a minute or so. I always put her somewhere safe and I didnt put her where she wanted (eg. I didnt want to give her the message that if she wants me to put her down she should bite me). I think because I responded immediately and didnt give her my attention following the behaviour, meant she stopped within two days. Since then there has only been one occasion when I was moving her away from the curtains and she grabbed my arm and went to sink her teeth in but just before she did, she stopped. She looked up at me as if to say "oh, thats right, I remember, biting doesnt get the response I want" and off she went to play elsewhere. Hope this works as well for you as it did for me.

[kristychu]

i went through this with my son when he was exactly the same age. he would grab my hair, or my face, and just PULL. and he would bite my shoulder when i picked him up, if i interrupted him from doing somethign that he didnt like being taken from. my plunket nurse told me that i should bite him back - i think everyone did, but the closest i EVER got was when i was at the complete end of my tether one day and he just WOULDNT QUIT PULLING ON MY FACE (and i kid you not, he used to dig his nails in so hard that he would draw blood) and i pinched him really hard on his upper arm. and he HOWLED. and i felt SO HORRIBLE because i had hurt my child, and what kind of monster does something like that to someone whos just too little to have any comprehension of what theyre doing? and in the end, it didnt work, anyway.

after that we tried time out, where i put him in his cot and walked away when he did it - but that also didnt work, wasted entire days where he spent most of it in his cot screaming, and probably had my neighbours calling socoal services for child abuse or something.

in the end, i found the best thing to do what just, when it happened, get up and walk away. mostly i had to do that for ME, because i was mad that he would HURT me so intentionally liek that, when i would do everythign in my power to protect him form anything that would hurt him in the same way - but try explaining that to a fifteen month old. i also learned to recognise when ti happened - mostly if he was tired, or frustrated, taken away from something he was playing with abrubtly, or really really really excited. so we just upped the routine a bit more and tried not to let him get too tired, and tried to help him when he was frustrated. instead of taking him away from something all suddenly, we work on putting toys 'to bed' (away) or saying goodbye to them, and we worked on better ways to express excitement, like dancing and arm waving.

basically, i think, its just distraction. and so far, its working really well. modi hasnt hit or bitten in as long as i can remembr, and i wouldnt have even remembered it happening if it wasnt for this. i know its just a phase, but i know too, how frustrating and (literally) painful the whole thing can be. good luck with it!

[Ellie]

My middle daughter was not a biter except for one time. I was standing with my back turned to the couch. She climbed up on the couch, sunk her teeth into my back, lifted her legs up and hung like a vampire bat. I was flailing my arms helplessly and she finally let go. I just said no bite and ow that hurt and we never had another incident. I never did figure that one out.

Another odd biting occurence was when, I went with my daughter and grandaughter (about 14 months at the time) to a Dr's appt. Laura Grace had been anemic at the last appt so they pricked her finger to do a test. She did not cry when they pricked her finger, she even smiled bravely. But right after that she chomped down on my daughters finger as hard as she could and would not let go for a good 15 seconds.

My son began to bite around 14 months. He didn't bite people outside his family circle, wasn't labeled a pirhanna at church, etc., We tried the horrible bite him back thing, but he was just even more determined after that to bite us back even harder. After that we started just saying no bite and then pretended nothing happened or put him in his crib. He seemed to be doing it for attention, (not that he lacked it being the youngest and only boy out of 4 children) once we started ignoring the behavior it went away.

[sarah]

I think every child goes through this! when Everett bit me at the grocery store one day, one of the older cash register workers who my husband always chats up told me to bite him back. I tried it. it failed miserably, he just thought it was a game and bit me back, giggling. it seems to me like a phase that's better with constant reinforcement: mama doesn't like to be bit, it hurts mama, mama's not going to hold you on her lap and read you books if you KEEP BITING HER!

now that Everett's 2 1/2, he only bites when he's in a super terrible mood or under a prolonged period of stress. the way I deal with him now: whatever my standard punishment is (usually, making him go to his room for a few minutes, or leaving the room myself if I don't feel like carrying him up the stairs). that's been working very well, the behavior has really gotten better - but, like everything, you have to be consistent.

[RobinP]

Oh my gosh! This sounds like a parenting challenge I wouldn't have been able to handle....lol.
Lillianna never did any of those things but if she did I don't think I could've bitten her. I could've pulled her hair though because that doesn't seem so bad but biting.......YIKES!
Good luck.

[Michelle]

Mitchell is 19 months old now and has done a little of the biting thing - only on me and my husband. If I raise my voice at him he thinks it's hilarious. So we figured out that a low, firm tone with a serious look and a "no biting " statement gets him every time. Sometimes he starts crying because we look so serious.

I think the biting back thing is terrible. Especially at this toddler age, they can't reason why you would do that to them. I don't think they have a concept of pain to others, just a concept of getting a reaction.

[Kim]

I don't have a parenting experience to share (I'm expecting my first) but I myself was a biter. My pediatrician told my mother to bite me back as well - that I was acting out of frustration and didn't realize that it HURT. So she did, (and she cried) and I never did it again. I was somewhere around 13 months. Good luck!!!

[Charlene]

My son, Nolan, picked up hitting at about the same age. Starting hitting cousins, kids, his head, when he was cranky but also just to get a rise out of us. When he hit other people/kids, we'd say "No Hit" very firmly and take him out of the situation. The biting too..same thing. No Bite. "Teeth are for eating not for biting." We did this for about 3 months and oddly enough, it sort of faded away. It picked up when he started to get bored at daycare and began to test boundaries. Then it stopped.

He's not 3, it picked up again...but he's rid himself of his diapers and pacifer. Another developmental leap that is leading to some regression. Now he has words to express himself so the discipline is different. Time outs, etc.

One book that's been super helpful is one called "Hands are not for hitting." It talks about all the 'nice' ways to use hands. hugging, helping, holding, eating, etc.

[Michelle]

I dealt with hitting from my 3-year-old when she was 2 years old. In fact, one time, she even made a fist and flat out clobbered me (when I was 8 months pregnant no less). It took ALL my strength not to just clobber her back. But I am a firm believer that an eye-for-an-eye doesn't work with kids. I don't think you're a wimp for not wanting to hurt your kids. I can see the logic of your MIL, but like I said, it just doesn't work with kids.

If you're not sure the best way to handle this, call your pediatrician. I have called mine many times for advice on behavioral issues, and they've always given me good explanations of why I shouldn't pursue some avenue I had considered pursuing before consulting them. So that way, when your MIL asks why you didn't try her approach, you can give her a medical opinion on why developmentally speaking, it wasn't appropriate for your children.

Anyway, good luck. I hope she grows out of it soon. I know my daughter did. (And by the way, we dealt with it by giving automatic time outs anytime she did it.)

[Nicola]

I can't wait to hear the responses as well! My guy's 11 months old and we're just starting into this behaviour. I too have noticed that making a big fuss just makes it worse (though I can't seem to convince daddy of this fact) and that sometimes (especially w/ daddy) he's actually going for the negative attention. But the biting, hitting, hair pulling when frustrated, these things have got to stop. He's also started biting when nursing, every single time, it started a week ago and I don't know what to do.

And don't feel alone. I've had the "do it back" advice and there's no way in the world that I would cause physical harm to my child. He's just a baby. Yes, he's hurting me, but I will never intentionally hurt him, that goes against every mothering instinct in my body.

I need him to know that what he's done displeases me, that it is naughty and unacceptable, but also not give him the sort of negative attention or reaction that he might actually try to repeat. What are we to do???