When half is unequal

By Analee

Guk mal! (Translation: Look!)

Da! (There!)

Auto (Car)

Ja/Nein (Yes/No)

Mehr (More)

Was? (What?)

Those are the words that my 1 ½ year old son has been using, and they are all in German. Even his way of catching our attention is in German: he says Hallo instead of Hello. When he falls down, he says hopalla instead of the easier "ooops." Thank God, he still says Mama and Papa instead of Mutti and Vater.

I know that my bi-racial son will grow up to be multilingual. Apart from German, Tagalog and English will definitely be spoken by him. Not only language, but my culture should also be imbued in him. That is what I aspire to do.

As he grows older and expands his vocabulary, I cannot stop my heart from literally aching everytime I hear him speak more German. And, even this early, I can see him becoming more and more German. This is our reality -- he is half-German and we do live in Germany. I have accepted that fact but my heart and mind still shout "unfair" every time the truth stares me in the face: he is more German than Filipino.

The immature part of me would want it to be equal -- that he would get a fair share of my culture. But, sadly, that is not how it works. I am outnumbered. By the influence of his environment, more than anything else. I am not saying that it is bad for him to be more German than Filipino. Just that, in my mind and in my heart, I would have wanted him to be more Filipino. After all, isn't our home country and our own culture always the best in our eyes?

I guess, in the end, it will not matter so much which culture has influenced him more. As long as he has the right values, it should be okay. Right? Besides, when he grows older, I will probably be more concerned that he does not suffer from the prejudice of others just because he is biracial.

Comments

[La lucuma]

My 7 month old son is Peruvian-American and we're still trying to figure out how to get him and keep him interested in Spanish and Peruvian culture here in the white bread Midwestern U.S.A. On the one hand I want my child to be bilingual; on the other hand I don't want him to be lost when he goes to preschool and I'd like him to learn my culture (the U.S. one) too. English will happen inevitably, I know...but sometimes I feel resistant to speaking to him only in Spanish at home.

On the other hand I think that biracial children are some of the most beautiful children around, even though of course all children are beautiful...

[nanay2angels]

DH and I are both Filipinos raising our kids in the U.S. Both are born in the U.S, but I want them to embrace the Filipino culture because it is as much a part of them as American culture is and that means teaching the language too. We've been successful so far in that they can speak and understand both languages. We've told them that we speak Filipino at home and English when we're away. I have been amazed at how my son who is 4 can switch from one language to the other at the flick of a finger. Sometimes, when we're at a playdate, he speaks to me in Filipino then switches to English with his playmates. I just hope this will last even when he starts school. It does take effort, a lot of it! I hope we succeed but in the end, I think what's important is that they become confident and competent individuals, in whatever language.

[muse]

I live in Israel, and this week my 20 month old granddaughter argued with me: "Lo bububu, parpar." "It's not butterfly,it's papapr (butterfly in Hebbrew." She hears over 90% Hebrew and just English from me and her aunts and books her parents read to her. But her parents are happy that she'll understand some English.

[Kat]

Oh, hey, I hope I wasn't sounding negative about bi-racial families. I think they're great and must be such a stimulating environment for children. I'm just very curious about how culture and language are negotiated in different families. It doesn't even have to be a 'mixed' marriage. My husband and I have lots of debates regarding parenting and our backgrounds are relatively similar. He's an only child, I'm one of three with a big extended family - as far as I can tell, that's a cultural divide in itself!

[kat]

I think a biracial family is fantastic...it will teach him to be sensitive to other races and he will get the benefit of belonging and participating in two cultures. I think it will make him want to explore more and to see more of the world because the two cultures he belongs to are so vastly different. I would say if anything, this is a blessing.

[Kat]

Cathy, that's another thing I wonder about in bi-racial marriages - how does the other spouse feel when one is talking to others in a language they can't understand? Especially when it's with a child. I can imagine I'd feel a bit left out if I couldn't understand what my husband and the baby are talking about. It can be difficult to negotiate bilingualism. I hardly ever speak Filipino now because when I was growing up, I felt rude using it when there were non-speakers around.

[Cathy]

My children are also bi-racial. They are Filipino and (as my husband says) a mutt on their mother's side! I am a mix of many cultures. My husband is first generation American though, and he knows very little Tagalog. We use words like Ninang, Tita, and Lola, but that's about it. My in-laws speak Tagalog often though, and I feel that my son (now three) will probably end up picking some of it up. I just hope that he will not make me feel left out, as I always do when Tagalog conversations strike up.

[Kat]

My dilemma is slightly different. My husband and I are both Filipino raising our little Aussie tyke. I've been trying to speak to him in Filipino but because we've been here so long, it's difficult. I tried the one-parent-one-language approach but found that I missed talking to my son in English.

Observing other kids (it's too early to tell with mine), they seem to pick up lots of little cultural things so not everything is lost. I've noticed a lot of second-generation Aussies develop a sub-culture of their own. Kind of in between their parents' and the mainstream. A lot of them seem to grow up as passive bilinguals and acquire the language fully only after visiting the Philippines.

I can also relate to the name issue. I wanted to give our son my maiden name as well as my husband's surname (a custom in Filipino culture) but it just got too complicated. It would have been nice for his name to have a sense of where both Mum and Dad came from.

[Mama Sarah]

I have these jealous feelings too. One thing I struggle with is that my son from my first marriage has a different last name than his brother, my husband, and I. I can't sign our Christmas cards "The Curtis'" or get one of those silly plaques for the front door that says "Welcome to the Curtis'" because we would be leaving him out. I have to remind myself what makes a family is not a name (or a geographic location), but the bond between the people within the family. If my son can feel that he is part of our family then the last name doesn't matter so much.

Just like my son is no less a part of our family because he has a different last name, your little one is no less Filipino or part of YOU because he speaks German and does "German" things. I wish we didn't have to deal with these issues, but thinking about it this way helps me a little.