Birthday-party performance anxiety

By Kris

Ben's fifth birthday is next month, and it's making me anxious. I hate admitting this because, before I had kids, I made fun of parents who threw elaborate parties for their kids.

When I was a kid, my parents had cake and ice cream after dinner, some presents, and that's it. Sure, maybe a friend or two attended, but no rented clowns or bouncy castles.

Ben has already had more large birthday parties in his short life than I ever had. When he turned one, we threw a huge family party. But it was his first! Then he turned two, and I had a party with his playgroup friends, plus another for the family. When he turned 4 he had three birthday parties: one at school, one with his friends and another big family party. For months afterward he said, "I had three birthday parties!"

Ben will have one home party this year. He wanted a race car party, featuring real race cars, but he was willing to settle for a soldier party with lots of shooting. "Um, how about a baseball party?" I asked. Thankfully, he agreed.

Then last week we went to our 5-year-old neighbor's birthday party. Her mom made a "pin the magic antenna on the butterfly" game. She gave the boys home-sewn capes and the girls darling fairy wings. The kids ran to the back of the yard to pick up their magic pinwheels, then off to a tree loaded with beautiful cloth-and-wire butterflies. Each child took a turn scooping their bug of choice with a butterfly net, then ran in a race where someone won a prize and at least two kids (including the birthday girl) revealed themselves to be sore losers.

The kids ate hot dogs and fruit salad, while the parents enjoyed a separate buffet of salads and homemade turkey-bacon rollups with a choice of toppings. All of this was followed by, of course, an elaborate home-crafted butterfly cake.

"So, you probably have lots of energy to plan Ben's party," the mom kidded, eyeing my pregnant belly.

"None, actually," I smiled, "What do you charge?"

She declined the job but told me about a "great" super hero party she attended. As she described the slew of games and accoutrements, I stopped listening.

I had just planned on sending the kids to the backyard and having my husband pitch a few balls before the pizza-cake-presents ritual. Now, I find myself worrying: What if it rains? Do I have to organize actual activities? Can I meet the expectations of my son, 12 five-year-olds and their parents, without spending $200?

Being in my third trimester of pregnancy, I just don't have the energy for anything elaborate. But my creativity has frozen up. Can parents get away with simple birthday parties anymore? Do you have any simple baseball party ideas?

Comments

[Melissa]

I really like the idea of giving baseballs and cracker jacks as party favors. Make hotdogs and just let the kids play. My son's birthday party is tomorrow and I honestly haven't planned any activities. My son wanted an IronMan party, so I prined out Iron Man comic book covers and will make a banner out of them tonight. We'll decorate treat bags with Iron Man stickers and have an Iron Man cake. Other than that, my plan is to let the kids run free. I've tried to organize activities in the past, but the kids never want to do them. They just want to play. Maybe we'll try to get them to pop balloons or play balloon volleyball. Maybe they'll want to play duck duck goose. (Or Tony, Tony, IRONMAN!) But other than that, my plan is to keep it as simple as possible!

[jessica]

I just had my 7, now 8 year old daughters bday party. She had five or six friends from school attend along with a few family members. We had a hay ride and a weiny roast. The kids had a blast they were all equipt with a wire hanger hotdogs with all the trimmings and everything for smores...
The kids said it was the funnest party they had ever been to. No activities planned, no theme. Just a bon fire and my husband pulling a trailer full of hay and kids around the yard.. They were to stuffed to even have cake and ice cream. So the birthday cake is now redecorated for a halloween
party.

[rachel]

hi, i'm 14 and today is the date of my five year old brothers party. i've been helping my mom to plan the party, and as was said before, less is more. The kids aren't going to remember how much it cost, but how much fun they had. for Jake's party today,which we're having at our home, my mom bought a modest 8 by 8 moonbounce at toys r us for just under 100 dollars....this is sure to be fun for the kids and also jake, because he gets to keep the moonbounce for years to come. we bought a pinata, are having a treasure hunt, and having a craft area making sun-catchers. The whole shindig cost next to nothing, and i know that he and his guests will be adequetly entertained. Good luck with everyone elses dilemas

[Help]

so my b-day is next week and im planning a beach party at the beach outside, what should i do if it rains thats not expensive at ALL!

[Gail]

Here is a place to get cute party supplies for your next event.

[Tamora]

Remember, We are the Parents, They are the Children.
I personally LOVE to take my 5 year old to great, well-planned, elaborate ($$$) parties. I don't feel the need to DO them myself! This year, I let my child design her own party. We started with her favorite colors, yellow & pink. It took on a life of its' own from there. She picked balloon, plate, & napkin colors, streamer colors, cake colors & whatever she wanted on it, one food choice, game choices, and who will be invited. (She also made her own invites, with my help, and painted paper lunch bags for party favor sacks.) Everything was within reason and it was cheap! I went to thrift stores for random party favors & table cloths that were in her colors. I didn't do the "theme character" thing. She picked things/colors that were HER favorites. It was a very personalized party with a lot of variety! She loved being a part of the WHOLE planning.
The trick that worked so well was that I started her making/planning stuff one month in advance. On quiet nights or uneventful weekends, we got out our paints and glitter for decorations and accessories for HER party to come. It was an awsome energy booster! AND when a parent asked what the theme was or what I was doing for her big to-do Bday, I would let them know my 5 year old was planning and designing her own party. (AND THE JUDGEMENT CRAP NEVER PLAYED A PART.)It is a new concept that I will continue. We loved it! AND 'zero' expectations from others!

[Joy]

I'm taking bits and pieces of everyone's advice for my son's 5th birthday in 2 weeks. He's having a homemade racetrack cake, water balloon toss (200 balloons for $1 @ Big Lots), pin the tire on the monster truck, and spiderman spacewalk. He couldn't decide on a theme. It's true though, everytime I try to keep it organized with games and a time for everything, the kids only want to play the whole time and the games go to waste.

[Jess]

I don't know where you live, or if you're looking for ideas other than baseball, but just in case - if there's an indoor pool anywhere around, that was always a hit with us. There's one here in Jacksonville that's (a) free, and (b) has a separate kiddie pool. Splash around for a while (bring a few little pool toys like dive sticks), then take them outside for a picnic of pizza and cake, then present-opening. If it rains, ask to use an empty room at the facility. My sister and I both used that idea when we were younger; it went over great and cost (as far as I know :)) very little.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

[Kris]

Thanks, ladies, for all of the awesome suggestions! And for letting me know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm much less stressed about it now. As long as Ben has a decent day, I'm good. :)

[Michele]

I feel like an awful mom admitting this, but I don't have parties for my kids. Not even just for family parties. We do cake and ice cream after their special whatever they want birthday dinner.
With 4 kids (born in July, Oct., Nov. and Dec) how could I throw big bashes for each of them?
C. just had her first party ever for her 13th birthday and just like I knew it would, it cost me an arm and a leg and gave me such a headache. No more parties.
But you know, if you stop throwing them now the kids probably won't miss them...

[ann]

I just remembered something else. By all means check out http://www.orientaltrading.com for party favors and more ideas. It's incredibly cheap and things often come in packs of a dozen or more. For example, I see giant inflatable baseball bats, a dozen for $9.95. They've also always got lots of inexpensive craft projects. On line ordering is fine, but you'll enjoy the catalog too. No relationship to the company--just another mom who remembers that kids don't care how much a party costs--and if any do know, you don't want your kid being friends with someone like that anyway.

[Julie]

Wow--no kidding about the parties! I have a co-worker who's 6 year old and her friend had their parties together. They rented the village hall, invited over 100 children (not kidding!), hired caterers, clowns, and ponies. I told her she was completely mad! Butterfly lady sounds equally bad!
I moved to England when my daughter was 4, and found out the hard way that lots of times the parents just drop the kids off and go. So no way was I having a big party with 30 kids and just me to referee!
Our basic rule of thumb these days is the "choice" party. You can choose a sleepover (max 3 guests or whoever will fit in one vehicle), to go somewhere special with a good friend or two (theme parks are great!), or a package deal at a kid-friendly place. My daughter has always been happy with them, I keep my sanity, and the kids get to have fun.
Don't worry about what the other moms do--it's sort of like the cliche of the middle-aged man driving the sports car; what are they trying to compensate for??
So good luck to you, and I bet whatever happens, your son will have a great time.
Julie
PS--I found your site through my own private idaho. It's great--I'll be back!

[ann]

I agree that if you try to compete you'll go mad very quickly. The cupcake idea is a good one. We also often had kids make their own pizzas (starting with a purchased or made-in-advance crust). Another favorite activity was just to gather up all the toy instruments in the house--drums, recorders, triangles, kazoos, whatever, and go in a parade to the playground. It feels festive, it's outdoors, it's free, and it helps wear them out.

Oh, and if you can, by all means stick to the one guest per year of the kid's age.

[RobinP]

You set the pace, not the other parents.
I usually ask Lillianna to pick a theme. On her 6th birthday it was Lizzie McGuire. We had a pizza party at Papa Gino's and those who could,slept over. Rich is an artist so he drew a big Lizzie and the kids played "pin the earring on Lizzie." It was a home-made game but it was a success.

On her 7th birthday it was Kim Possible. We had a low key party in the apartment with a sleepover. The girls decorated their own cupcakes and watched a video. They were so busy with eachother we never found time to do our craft which was to make a beaded necklace! the time flew.

Keep in mind,less is more. Sometimes kids like to run and play together without games and crafts and organized events. I say, make decorating their own cupcakes the craft!! If it rains,pop in a video!!
It's all about fun,not stress.

[sherry]

There have already been some great suggestions, including the decorate your own cupcake idea and the pinata. I've gone to a couple of parties so far with pinatas and they're always a high point.

We do pot lucks for our parties, asking everyone to bring a dish and we grill burgers. Nothing fancy, just relaxed.

Another idea that goes with any theme is something we did at my birthday parties as a kid and that I'd like to incorporate into my daughter's parties maybe this year or next. My dad used to open the window and screen and stand inside while the kids all lined up outside the window. We were given a "fishing pole" made from a stick and a piece of string. We tossed the line through the window and my dad would tie a gift to the end, tug on the line, and we fished out our prize. It was never anything extravagant - you could pick up age-appropriate toys at a dollar store for this. To make it funny, every so often one of the kids would pull out a tin can or a rubber boot, and we'd have to throw it back in to try again for something better. It was a lot of fun. My parents would try to get similar toys for everyone (say, different colors of the same car or whatever) so that no one got jealous of someone else's prize.

[sleepingmommy]

I absolutely hate that birthday parties for kids have become a competition among the parents. I hate it.

I hate throwing parties. I hate having a lot of people over to my house and frankly I can't afford to rent a location for my kids to have elaborate parties.

I don't know what I am going to do about their birthdays as they get into school. Sigh...

Maybe they will pass a law against this elaborate party BS between now and next year?

[maria]

The kids don't notice the big stuff, only the parents. Others above have great ideas. It's funny - I used Birthday Express because it was easy (tho not necessarily cheap) to get cups, plates and stuff for my sons' bday party (birthdays are a week apart) - now we're on the catalogue list. My 5 yr old reads each catalogue very carefully picking out his next party - next October. He'll get pizza, a pinata and maybe some special paper plates and be happy;)

Maria

[Mari]

Amen and Hallelujah! I am SOOO with you on the birthday party issue! It's amazing the parties that I've attended in the past few years. Each year has to top last year, and by the time the child turns 15, you'll be sending him on a cruise to the Bahamas with personal butlers, color-coordinated strippers and handmade goodie bags filled with certificates for orthodontics and iPods.

I learned about two years ago to go one of two ways. 1) The package deal party at a gymnastics/pizza/bounce house place OR 2) Pizza, cake, and ice-cream at the house/in the park. I know a few mommys may have judged me for my lack of creativity, but my son and his friends had a blast - and who am I trying to please, anyway?

When I asked my son what HE wants, it boils down to cake, a certain type of plate and napkin, candles, and playing with his friends. I truly believe if we want our children to value the simple things in life like family and friends, we are misleading them by giving them "more is better" birthday parties.

[Kelly]

We had a baseball party at the daycare I worked at. We made baseball cupcakes with plain cupcakes, white icing, and a few tubes of the red gel icing (the little ones that make thin lines). The kids had fun trying to make a baseball, or making whatever they wanted, and it was CHEAP.

[Rayne of Terror]

around here parents give gift bags of candy, which no one seems to appreciate except the hopped up toddlers. so what if you got a dozen baseballs and wrote on them "thank you for coming to my party" or something and had the birthday boy sign them. add a walmart baseball sheet cake, hotdogs, lemonade and dad in the backyard and you have yourself a theme. if you wanted to go hog wild, throw in some peanuts and crackerjacks.

[martam]

Oh, and I think we went bowling for somebodies 8th birthday. They liked that.

[marta]

My poor kids were offered birthday parties only for their 4th, 8th, 12th, and 16th birthdays. None of them had a 16th, because they weren't interested. All other birthdays in between were celebrated with cake and icecream (and no presents) for 20 or 30 aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents on whatever Sunday evening is closest to the birthday.

For the 4th, they invited 4 friends, and each decorated a cupcake, each got a candle to blow out and then they played. Opened gifts at the end of the 2 hours and went home with very modest favor bags.

For the eighth they had games, including a treasure hunt with clues, and their choice of cake. And 8 friends.

The 2 or 3 of them who bothered with a 12th had a pizza and movie night.

We also celebrate birthdays as a family. We go out to dinner and the birthday child chooses the restaurant. They seem to like that more than the parties.

[patrice]

don't give into the pressure...if you have a low-key party, I bet the other moms at the magical butterfly party will thank you endlessly for it, since they won't have to feel pressured to do the same for their kids.

pool parties are always a hit. but it's not pool season. easy stuff like face painting is good for outside. and I never heard a kid complain about a pinata. good luck!

[Kat]

Another mum once told me that we throw our kids the birthday parties that we wish we'd had. Same goes for weddings. :-)