Regression lessons

By Kris

In the last six weeks, my son Ben has regressed to about age 3. This surprised me. I mean, he turns 5 next month! He gets himself dressed! He hasn't cried getting dropped off at preschool in almost a year!

Well, he hadn't. Then in late February, he declared that he hated school and burst into red-faced, hysterical tears when I turned to leave his classroom. At first, I thought he might be sick or have a problem with a classmate.

That weekend, Ben's separation anxiety got worse. As I headed out to go grocery shopping, he again burst into tears, giving me 15 kisses and hugs, begging me to stay. Normally when I left him with his dad, he gave me a casual wave and went on playing.

Then that Monday morning, Ben crawled into my bed and asked, "Did Dad go to work?"

"Yes," I answered, still half asleep. As my vision cleared I saw Ben's face, again red and tear-streaked.

"I don't want dad to go to work," he sobbed.

Even my mom triggers waterworks when she leaves to go home. "I don't want Nana to leave!" he cries.

Ben has also expanded his whining routine. The moment something doesn't go his way, he closes his eyes, lifts his chin, opens his mouth in an upside-down U and says, "Wah, wah, wah," in this low, buzzing tone. He sounds like a dying seagull. He also does this in the grocery store, where everyone within earshot snaps their heads around to get a look. "Ben, stop whining," I plead. "Use your words!"

Unnerved, I met with his preschool teacher and spent a session with my therapist discussing the problem. The consensus? He's anxious about his new baby sister, due in July.

Unlike John, who really is 3, Ben can imagine different scenarios of how the baby will change his life: Will mom and dad still have time for me? Will my needs be met? Will the baby scream all the time? (Ben hates loud noises.)

My therapist has no children but still manages to outwit me in most parenting matters. She suggested using a baby doll to show the boys diapering and feeding, burping and putting her down to sleep. This will give them a clearer picture of what life with a baby looks like. I also plan to enroll them in the new sibling class at our hospital.

This all makes sense, yet I feel uneasy. I've hit a parenting rite of passage, helping Ben confront a problem that I can't just fix.

I can't tell him life won't change, because it will. I can't tell him I'll have just as much time for him, because I won't. And I can't tell him that I, too, am a little scared.

But I do tell him that we'll always love each other and that we'll be OK. Because we will.

Comments

[Gina]

You know, even we grownups go through "clingy" phases, where we "glom onto" our loved ones to the point where they pry our arms off their legs and tell us it's enough already!

So of course kids will have the same emotional ebb and flow, only magnified. And your child is understandably a little anxious about the changes that are already taking place because of your pregnancy.

I think you need extra doses of love and humor. Especially look for things that make your son laugh again, even if it includes laughing at you when you accidentally hurt yourself (in a mild way). Kids think its hilarious when adults struggle with the same kinds of things they do. So pretend to struggle -- ham it up. Pretend that a small pickle jar is too heavy to lift. Especially in times of heightened tension, kids will laugh at almost anything unexpected. It's welcome relief.

Another idea is to let your child achieve little victories to rebuild his sense of confidence and control. Deliberately ask for his help in a new task that you know he can accomplish and feel good about, surprising even himself with his competence.

Since you're pregnant, it's a golden opportunity to ask your little man for extra help, such as getting something down from a high shelf for you (where he has to climb a little and you know it will be safe for him to do so). Or ask him to help you find a "lost" object that you happen to know will be easy to find. Try to find things he can easily do that he has never done before. Fill his days with a few little victories like these and he will glow, even if it is only inbetween the attacks of the "weepies." But it will probably help reduce the crying too. Growing confidence can do that.

And finally, you must take care of yourself. So as you throw your little guy a lifeline or two, give yourself the same courtesy and love. You must have anxieties too, and times when you want to "glom" onto others, too. If you're like most of the human race, you'll weep more than usual before and after your new one arrives. So you are entitled to ask for and get lots of extra indulgences from the adults around you.

[Lisa Barker]

Oh, the best thing I ever did was get the older kids involved in preparing for the baby...so it really was THE KIDS who were expecting a new brother or sister, versus mom expecting a new baby.

Even though my twins were only two at the time, I had them help me put together the crib. They took so much pride in it.

And when that baby was older and expecting a new little brother I impressed upon him the fact that of all the billions of boys in the world ONLY ONE could be our new baby's BIG brother. He was so wowed by this he walked on clouds for most of the pregnancy.