Trying not to feel guilty

By Robin P.

I always pictured myself being the kind of mom who joined the P.T.A., volunteered in my child's classroom and baked delicious confections for every bake sale. I figured I would have lots of free time since I would only be working part-time (20 hours a week maximum). The reality is that I work 36 hours a week which includes 22 hours every weekend and my "free time" is pretty scarce. On my two days off, Monday and Friday, I try to rest if possible, read, write and catch up with my friends. It is the only "me time" that I have and I cherish it. More than that, I need it!

Lillianna has asked me to volunteer in her classroom since the beginning of this school year. I did take the mandatory workshop a few months ago, which qualifies me to volunteer or chaperone a trip, but I haven't made any attempt to follow through. I barely have any time for myself and I don't want to share what little time I do have with a classroom of first graders who need patience and guidance. How can I give what I just don't have?

The other night, Rich and I went to school for our parent-teacher conference. While we were waiting in the hall, several women smiled and waved, "Hi Lilly!" as they passed by. Lillianna waved back. I attempted to smile as I asked, "Is that a mom who volunteers in your class?" Lillianna patted my hand and said, "Yes,Mom, but it's OK. I know you work a lot and can't volunteer. I understand." I think I actually heard my heart break when she said that. I felt like someone was about to present me with the "Worst Mother of The Year" award.

Sometimes I feel like if I just tried harder, I could find a way to volunteer in Lillianna's classroom. I do help out with her Brownie troop whenever I can. I have filled in for one of her leaders a couple of times and I chaperone every field trip. Lillianna loves when I fill in and it makes me happy because it's flattering to have my child like me and want me to be a part of her activities. I often wonder if I can let go of the guilt I have for not volunteering. Why do I feel like the moms who are able to volunteer are better mothers than I am?

How do you balance your job with volunteering in school?

Comments

[kim]

I couldn't balance..and so i quit my job.
My helath was suffering, and so was my marriage, not to mention the fact that although my children were growing up with 2 parents, we were NEVER in the house at the same time..and it had been this way for years.
The day that my son had to write a story about a family activity for school and i wasn't in it was the final straw. He said it was ok, cause he knew i had to work, and he had put my husband and our daughter, along with the cat in the story. THE CAT....I had been replaced by a cat. It took a few months of soul searching, but i quit my job after 12 years....and have never looked back. ( although i do miss the paycheque.....being a SAHM does pay half as well!)

[Dori]

I tried to do it all with working full time and volunteering in the classroom and Brownies...and I learned several valuable lessons. First, my child still loves me if I only go on one field trip per year and never volunteer in the classroom, and since Im not a "kid" kind of person, I only have one day of torture rather than a day a week of torture. Second, my kids do much better without me involved in everything. I dont constantly have to correct their behavior, and they dont act up because Im around. Third, guilt is a wasted emotion. Let the moms who volunteer in everything have their various fiefdoms.

I was a Brownie leader for 3 years. That is a totally overwhelming amount of work - much more than anyone thinks. Getting people to help you is next to impossible and it is very disheartening to say the least. You know how as a mom you are always trying to buy xmas gifts and end of year gifts or someone is arranging gifts from the group for coaches, teachers, and leaders in your child's lives? Well, I sure do remember all that. And I will never forget that after 3 years of volunteering a lot of my nights and weekends schleping 6-9 year olds to camping, outings, picnics, theatres, cookie booths....that not one parent acknowledged it. So, I was tainted by that experience. As much as I know I have never volunteered so I could get a $5 gift card to Blockbuster, the point is - all I did was highly unappreciated by all these other people. And since my kids accept that I work, and understand that I cant do it all - sometimes putting food on the table and helping with homework and badge work and being there for the headaches and hard o answer questions just has to be enough - I am more at peace with my decision to watch these types of activities from the sidelines and help my kids where they need me to - not what Im guilted into doing. I still help their now-Junior troop with things, like chairing a fundraiser or helping to drive kids to camp, but I limit myself and my expectations and have learned that they really do love me just the way I am.

Anyway, Im a much calmer and generally happier person since I gave up on the volunteering guilt trip Id lay on myself. If your daughter understands that you work - and your work helps your family - then I wouldnt sweat it so much.

[juliebarbour]

Even though my daughter is only two, I have been thinking about this lately. I've come to the conclusion that the mothers who volunteer have time to do so. The mothers who worry about whether or not their family's food is too loaded with high fructose corn syrup have time to worry about such things. I work full-time as well and my spare time is very precious and only reserved for family, rather than things I'd like to be able to do had I the time. So, don't feel guilty, even though I too know guilt is a part of motherhood.

[hula doula]

I am a mother that volunteer's in Hula Girl's school and classroom all of the time. I work part time with my mother so I can make my own hours. Although recently I've been a bit busier.
Since we have come from Europe I have had to slow down. I asked her to pick one day that it was really important that I be there. She picked it. I didn't schedule any classes that day. She was so excited. Here I had volunteered for months and it went somewhat unnoticed. I got a busy schedule had her pick a day and voila...she loved it.
Don't feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to make it. I know that she understands that you need to work. Please...let yourself off the hook.