Just... go... to... sleep!

By Peyton

I'm writing this at 8:49 p.m. as Ella is squrming around on her Daddy across the room. We've had her evening bottle, read her at least half a dozen stories, and rocked her to sleep. I gently put her down in her crib, and like a Jack-in-the-box, she popped up almost immediately. Wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, she crawled from one end of her crib to the other. We tiptoed out of her room and shut the door, only to hear a wailing that resembled that of a small fire engine. My husband, knowing that I have reading for law school (and, of course, this post to write), has taken her into the den for "quiet time."

This is our struggle almost every single evening. Rare is the night when we can put her down and she'll stay down. Just last evening, my husband was up from 1:00 to 3:00 a.m., struggling with getting her to go back to sleep.

We've tried letting her cry it out -- she almost always cries to the point of getting sick, usually within 10 minutes or so. If we put her in the bed with us, she may get good sleep, but we don't. So we have this routine now, of holding her until she goes to sleep, putting her down, and then getting up with her at least once during the night. If she makes it until 5 a.m. without having us get up, we're pretty excited. At this point, we're at our wits' end -- she was nine months old last week.

What else have we tried? We tried "Ferberizing"; that didn't work. We tried music at night, too. We tried "massaging" her back. We told her pediatrician about it, and got some canned advice that was, frankly, common sense. I just don't get it. When she was a younger baby, she would sleep from 9 p.m. - 7 a.m. straight. It was bliss. Right around the time she cut her first tooth, this getting up in the middle of the night started again. (It was a lot easier when she was a newborn and getting up in the middle of the night meant that she needed to eat and go back to sleep.)

So, please, tell me this is a "stage" that she'll grow out of. If it isn't, what are we supposed to do? I have visions of dealing with this next summer, and they aren't pretty. Of course, by that time, maybe she'll understand "just go to sleep!"

Peyton is Mommy to Ella, born October 2004, and wife to Colin. She lives outside of D.C. in Falls Church, Virginia.

Comments

[Peyton]

Wow! Thank you so much everyone, for all of the great suggestions. This weekend, we're going to start trying to leave her in her crib a little longer, while staying in the room. Hopefully if she sees that we're still there, it will help her fall asleep better. The last few nights have been a little better - she's only gotten up once a night for about a half an hour to forty-five minutes. Could be worse! :-) Thanks again, everyone - I love my fellow DotMoms!

[Allison]

Peyton,

My husband and I had exactly the same problem until three nights ago. At 6 months old (he is now 8 months), we went from having a gorgeous boy who would sleep through from 8:30pm to 7am, to a little cherub who would stay up until sometimes as late as 11pm. How exhausting!! We found so many methods for getting babies to go to sleep that it started to do a number on our heads, but we finally chose a method we were comfortable with (some were a little too harsh for us). Luckily for us this has been a success for us from the very first night. I'll start by giving the background on the theory. Apparently, at 8 weeks babies start daytime sleep cycles and will start sleeping for only short periods during the day. This is usually around the same time that they may begin to start sleeping through most nights (our bub slept through from 10 weeks) Then at 6 months they start nighttime sleep cycles and a baby that used to sleep through will start waking again. This unfortunately coincides, for a lot of babies, with the cutting of teeth. We as devoted, loving parents say "Oh, the poor little poppet has sore teeth" and we sooth and rock them back to sleep (or put them to the breast in my case). This apparently sets the course for things to come and the situation gradually gets worse until they no longer even want to go to bed let alone stay there all night. So here is the gold we will continue to share with all parents suffering the same problem and hopefully it will be as much a success for you as it has been for us.

First you need to decide what time you wish for Bub to go to bed. Then you need to have a plan for when Bub's naptimes are and what time they need to be awake in the morning. It's all about scheduling the entire day to make sure that Bub has a full tummy and is actually tired come bed times. The following is our daily schedule and is only an example. You will need to devise a plan that works for you and your family situation.

7am Wake up
7:30 Breakfast
8:30-9am Milk and put down for AM sleep (Bub must be awake when put into bed)
10am Wake up
(snack)
12-12:30pm Lunch
12:30-1pm Milk and put down for PM sleep (Bub must be awake when put into bed)
2:30-3pm Wake up (make sure Bub does not sleep too late into the day)
(snack and milk)
5:30-6pm Nighttime Routine (Dinner, Bath(10-15mins), Milk, Story, Quiet time until sleepy(only if it’s required))
7-7:30pm Put down to sleep (Bub must be awake when put into bed)

The Get-to-sleep Method
1 Place in cot awake but sleepy
2Give a quick pat and tell Bub it is “sleepy time”
3 Leave room for 2 mins
4 If still unsettled (crying or talking), return for 2 mins, reposition Bub and hold down gently (if required), pat and repeat “it’s sleepy time”
5 Continue steps 3 & 4 incresing the time by 2 mins each time (out 4, in 4, out 6, in 6, etc.), until ten minutes.
6 After 10 mins unsettled, return, pick up, give a quick kiss and cuddle until calmed down.
7 Place in cot awake, pat, say “it’s sleepy time” for 10 mins
8 Leave room for 10 mins
9 Return for 10 mins, pat and “it’s sleepy time”
10 Leave room for 10 mins
11 Repeat steps 6-10 (note only pick up Bub every second 10 min interval)

Notes:
If, for example, Bub is quiet for the first 8 of 10 mins still return for 10 mins.
ALWAYS leave the room if Bub is about to fall asleep with you there (even if it is before time is up)
Abandon daytime attempts after one hour
Do not abandon nighttime attempts

This method can take 10 – 14 days, however you should be seeing some results along the way. We got results on the first night and it has only taken our Bub 3 days to work out what it is we want him to do. We have also never gotten to the point of having to pick him up. The key with any sleep method is to be 100% consistent, so make sure you use a method that feels right for you or you are more likely to give it up before you see any results. I found this method quite good because the time out of the room starts quite short, the time out is equal to the time helping Bub settle, and the longest you have to leave is 10 mins. As any parent would know, even 1 min seems an eternity to have to hear their Bub cry.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

Allison.

[Amy]

The only advice I can give you is to be consistant. You need to let her know that she'll be safe wherever you put her to sleep...but sleeping in the same bed as her or staying with her in hers will eventually lead to bad habits where she will expect you guys to do that.

This is NOT an easy time..but yes, it will soon pass. Just know you have us here to vent to!!

Let me know if there is anything else I can do!!!

[Erica]

Dylan is a late September baby and we have the same thing going. I blame a combination of things - cutting teeth, being able to sit, stand and crawl (I think it's much easier to fall asleep when you can only just lie there and getting up to protest is not an option!), and being too busy sitting, standing and crawling during the day to nurse, and then getting hungry in the night. Just yesterday I was reminiscing with my husband about the good old days (from about 4 months to 8 months) when he slept through the night. Hang in there... like all other phases, I'm hoping this one will pass!

Erica

[elise]

Okay, "this is just a stage that she'll grow out of"!! Seriously, it sounds so crucial right now and you do have to keep trying things until you find one that works but eventually it will stop and life will go on...until the next bad habit develops! Life with little people is just one phase after another. Each phase driving you a little bit more crazy!!

[Nicola]

Kellan is 17 months old tomorrow and tends to be worst when he's cutting teeth (currently 4 molars!), waking 3-6 times in the night. When the teeth aren't bothering him, he wakes at least once. However, bedtime itself is no longer a struggle at least.

As other posters have mentioned, we have strict bedtime rules. We go through the routine -- bath, stories, get kisses from daddy and tell him "night night", sing our bedtime song, and then its lights out. Kellan lays with me and nurses. When he's finished, he goes into his crib. I have a very low light on so that I can read. I stay in the room with him, but he is not allowed to get up, chatter, or play. If he tries, I simply lay him back down without speaking or making eye contact. He is always asleep within 15 minutes.

As for night wakings, I pull him into bed to nurse and then return him to his crib. This helps especially when his teeth are a bother. If he's just thirsty I'll give him a sip of water. We don't actually "get up", turn on lights, talk, or wander around the house. Its a brief moment of waking and back to sleep again.

I'm just looking forward to a full night's sleep on some future occasion. It has been such a long time!

[Devra]

Do you think your child has developed a sensitivity to the cold mattress? This is what happened with our son. He would begin to drift off after his last feeding and I did just as all the books advise and would plunk him into the bed before his was totally asleep. Then one night his eyes just flew open and this kept happening for quite a few nights. We couldn't figure it out, we went thru all of the checklists regarding ear infection thru diaper issues. Then I thought, "I wonder if it has something to do with transitioning from a warm human to a cold bed?" So I took our heating pad, set it on the lowest setting possible and preheated his bed for a few minutes. Then once the chill was gone from the matteress, I would lay him down very slowly with my hands still under him and slowly move them out once he was settled on teh mattress. For us, this worked like a charm! You could do the same thing with a warm water bottle, and if you are concerned about an outside warming source for fear the bed might get too hot, maybe you could climb in the crib and while you hold your baby ,warm the bed with your own body?Although it may be tricky trying to climb out of hte crib once you've put the baby down. This isn't a perfected idea, since I haven't tried it. Might be better in theory than in practice. I'm just trying to brainstorm another way to pre-heat that bed! I hope you all get sleep soon!

[Laura]

I suggest reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. He is my sleep research guru. When we "sleep trained" both of our children, we had to listen to a LOT of crying for 2 weeks (per child!). They may sound like they're going to get sick after only 10 minutes, but 10 minutes is nothing. Our children would cry for about an hour. Crying it out means crying-it-out-however-long-it-takes. Now, both of our children go down without too much fuss (the 23-month-old still tries to resist, but soon gives up) and sleep through the night. One thing that Weissbluth points out is that crying is actually an amnesic. Thus, they won't be scarred for life or die from crying. Their brains, however, may be adversely affected by NOT getting the requisite sleep. His nearly 30 years of research demonstrate a correlation between lack of sleep during the "critical period" (0 - 2 years) and ADHD later on in life. His method seems tough, but it worked for both of our kids. Good luck!

[Gina]

We've had similar experiences. The only thing I can add is that is does pay to check for any underlying physical irritants, because these can wake up any child at night. A few obvious ones include ear infections, which can come frequently and suddenly in some kids, and a little baby can't explain it to you. Other less common ones -- diaper rash, constipation or gas pains, mild asthma or allergies, even bug bites. Maybe being too hot or too cold in bed. If none of these seem to apply, they still can crop up from time to time.

Putting a source of "white noise" in your child's room such as an air filter or soft radio might help too. It will block out other sounds.

I believe that it's OK to let your child sleep with you or in a crib next to your bed if they need your comforting a lot, as long as they are definitely safe from you rolling over onto them (I used pillows as blockades) or from rolling or squirming off the bed or getting wedged between the bed and the wall. Obviously it's preferable if your child can learn to sleep independently. I just found with our son, who had mild asthma and for whatever reason woke up many times night after night for over a year, that after a while it was easier on me physically to keep the kid with us rather than having to wake up and head down the hall multiple times a night.

This too shall pass. Enjoy the good that's mixed in with the struggle, and it will work out eventually. When you are awake with your child at night, TRUST ME, you are not alone. Parents all around the globe are doing the same thing.

If you can possibly swing it, I also recommend that you get a guaranted nap once a day with someone you trust watching your child for a while, and perhaps getting someone else to take over a night care for the child one night a week or at least one night a month. If you know that you will get your sleep eventually the frustrating nights are easier to take.

[julia]

I agree with Linda the 1st comment. I stay in my baby's sight but I DONT look at her, talk to her, or touch her!!!! She just likes knowing I am there. I also give her a small amount of oatmeal before I put her down to keep her tummy happy while she sleeps. Good luck.

[Linda]

I've been there, trust me. My second DD is 18 months old and a few months ago went from a wonderful sleeper to waking in the middle of the night and fighting bedtime. Then I remembered an episode of SuperNanny. Crazy as it sounds, her technique worked like a charm in 3 nights flat!

What she had the couple do (and what I did) was, have the parent stay in the child's site, so the baby doesn't feel abandoned. Don't make eye contact, don't say anything, just stay in sight. If/When the child got out of bed or the crib, pick up the baby without making eye contact or saying anything, and lay the baby back in the crib/bed. Do it as many times as it takes, and don't change what you do.

It's worth a try! It only took 3 nights for DD to stay in her toddler bed at bedtime, and to go right to sleep. Now, after we finish our bedtime routine of book, prayers, hugs, ni-night, DD will immediately roll her head to the side and close her eyes. They don't stay closed, but she knows that's what she's supposed to do and does it.

Good luck!

[naomi]

Oh, Peyton, I had such a doozy of a time with my baby boy four years ago, I just have to respond to your post! This sounds SO familiar... sleep is so precious!!!!! I learnt, albeit a little too late for my liking (!!), that it is so important to establish little "rules", & to especially keep them in effect during the "difficult" moments, such as teething & illness. If you haven't already established an evening routine, from pick-up at day-care to bed-time, then that is where you need to start, so things are very familiar, & secure for Ella... She gets active & passive play-time with Mummy & Daddy, she has her meal at a certain, regular time, she then has bath-time that will help her wind down, & then goes through her bed-time routine that consist of one of the most joyful pleasure for parent & child, story time! And these are all things that you can do even when she is crying. Sometimes it may take a little longer to do these things with her if she were unwell; she may be off her food (remember they will never let themselves starve; if they can't eat it is for a good reason, just keep the fluids up to her on a regular basis), she may create some challenging moments(!!), but just keep things, where you can, moving along as you have planned them. If you can soften the lights in her room, whilst still being able to see pictures in books, and then soften them some more as you gently sing to her or talk softly and quietly, you'll be making subtle signals to her that things are winding down & she is moving towards her cot for sleep. When you've done the "nighty-nigh" thing with smooches & cuddles, be confident as you put her down in her cot, whether you think she will sleep or not. She will sense every inch of your concern and tension, if you put her to bed with anything but the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for her. And this here is the key to it all. You are the parents, you are doing for your baby what you believe she needs to have happen. So, you've got to believe in what you are doing, you've got to be strong about it, & confident. That is where I fell down with Eli; I was constantly hesitant in my approach & I know he sensed it... Put her in her bed, say "goodnight", turn off the light and leave the room. She will cry, but sit with your husband & have your own snuggle. Determine a time to go into her BEFORE she gets to the vomitting stage. Repeat your "Goodnight", give her a little rub on the back & make no other sound other than "Shh". If the crying continues repeat the same process in the same time frame. If you need to keep going in, where the level of crying permits, stretch out the amount of time it takes before you enter her room. After the 3rd time of going into her, stop talking and simply, briefly rub her back soothingly and the only sound should be "Shh". Once she's asleep, pray she'll stay that way!! And if/when she wakes again go into her to check she's safe, but if there's light don't make eye contact & only make the "Shh" sound, perhaps with a back rub. Keep it brief and leave the room. If she cries, repeat the "shh" thing at the intervals you feel most comfortable with. If you remain consistant with this type of method, you'll see a big improvement in all your sleep patterns. It is important to remember that there are stages in their young life that will produce disturbed sleep, or there will be situations that may create it, but if you remain calm and confident they will learn to settle and go back to sleep. And then one day they will settle themselves, and go to bed at 7pm and wake at 7.30am. You won't know yourself for a while. But you'll feel great! (Once again I've been very "wordy"... I don't seem to be able to not be - sorry!) I hope you are able to soon get good night sleeps, and even sleep-ins. All the best, Naomi

[Robin P]

There is no "one" answer but here's what worked for us.
When Lillianna had trouble going to sleep,I sat in her doorway and read her a couple of books. She would want to come out of her crib or bed but I said no. I would be there but I would not hold her. I explained that I would sit in her doorway where she could see and hear me until she went to sleep and I would only be a yell away. I read a book of my own and had some "free" time for myself. After a couple of nights,she went to sleep quickly.
I felt like she just wanted to know I was there,and of course I was.
Sometimes if she was very distressed,I would put on soothing music as I sat in her doorway. her crying stopped in a few minutes and she fell asleep.
Good luck!!