My ulterior motives

By Kris

Three weeks ago, the problems I had breastfeeding my newborn seemed insurmountable. At about one week of age, she responded to my breast with purple screams or blank stares (she drank from bottles).

With the help of a lactation consultant (LC) and nipple shields, I got Ava on the breast. But the nipple shields required cumulative hours at the breast pump, so I went back to the LC for help weaning from them.

"Another mother would not have persevered through these problems," she said, pausing to stare into my eyes for emphasis. She continued to sing my praises throughout the appointment. "You really are amazing," she beamed.

"Ava had to nurse," I said finally, half-teasing. "How else would I lose my pregnancy weight?"

"Oh, that's the least of our concerns," she snapped, as if to say, That's not why we breastfeed!

Well, I have to confess. When I chose breastfeeding for my first baby, his brain cells and general health were my main concerns. But with three years of breastfeeding experience, my fears surrounding Ava's nursing problems focused elsewhere.

For instance:

Weight loss. The LC can chide me all she wants, and I know it sounds stupid and vain. But nursing sucks the fat right of me, resulting in effortless weight loss.

Boobs. When not nursing, I don't have any. When nursing, I do. I get to have boobs and lower my chances of getting breast cancer, while getting implants would make cancer harder to detect. Perhaps I could just keep pumping and donate the milk!

Convenience. When Ava fussed to eat as I read the Sunday paper this week, I scooped her up and brought her to my breast, rather than standing, going to the kitchen and preparing a bottle. Anything that forces me to sit rather than get up is alright by me.

Finances. Breast milk is free. How many things in life are free?

Prolactin. A hormone released during breastfeeding, prolactin creates a sense of well-being in the mother. Its effects seem mild to me, but why find out how I'd feel without it?

Snuggles. The nursing relationship is an intimacy unlike any other. It fostered a deep connection between me and my other babies. The chance that I could lose that relationship with my last baby is what left me crying in the bathroom so often during her first 10 days of life.

Boobs. Oh, did I say that already?

As you see, it's all about me. But without these narcissistic fears, I doubt I would have persevered through:

The ridiculous amount of time I spent at the breast pump. I have 38 five-ounce servings of breastmilk in my freezer! (And believe me, there is no way to "Pump in Style.")

The engorgement requiring ice packs, ibuprofen and fending off a horny husband.

The oversupply and ensuing clogged ducts, which cause pain with nursing akin to thrusting needles into my nipples.

The latest challenge, giving up dairy to quell Ava's colicky behavior. Did you know everything yummy contains dairy?

Had I not breastfed two other babies, I wouldn't have known how much easier nursing gets after the first six weeks, or how much I stood to lose if our nursing efforts failed. I feel lucky that after four weeks, Ava can nurse without problems. But don't think I'm an amazing martyr. I'm just a self-interested mom.

Kris is a thirtysomething stay-at-home mom who lives north of Boston with her family.

Comments

[Jennifer]

I sooo agree with all of this!

Nursing is WAY harder than labor- the first couple of weeks at least, then it's cake!! (but without dairy of cours- or CHOCOLATE in my case)

[Erica]

Yeah, I don't Pump In Style (TM) either. Usually I pump in the supply closet at work. :) Isn't pumping milk just the farthest opposite of sexy you have ever felt in your life???

[Cathy]

Here's cyber-pat-on-the-back! Whatever your reasons for continuing to breastfeed, the fact remains that you had to tough out those difficult first weeks and you did.

I can't count the number of times I almost gave up or how many tears I shed, and I honestly can't say why I kept going except that I had a feeling it would eventually work out and I'm much too stubborn for my own good sometimes. But my son is now 4 months and I think we're going to make it to a year!

I just have to add that I envy you the weight loss - I've lost all but a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight but that's it. However, a friend promised the pounds would come off once I STOP nursing, and that the longer I nurse, the more that will come off. I've got my fingers crossed that she's right!

[GG]

Sadly, the weight thing was a myth for me, but, I nursed anyway and,yes, it was ever so much easier the second time around. My claim to fame is that I had NO problems with my second (the only time in my life I've been so lucky!) Those helpful "pros" can be such a pain, though. My OB/GYN 's nurse encouraged me to stop with my first (after only two stinking weeks) because it was "wearing me out"! (I think she was projecting her failure on me.)Thank goodness I didn't listen to her and baby and I soon had the hang of it!

[bethany]

I am so with you on this GIRL! :-) Can I sign up too?

[bethany]

I am so with you on this GIRL! :-) Can I sign up too?

[Aimee]

Those first six weeks, in my world, are worse than labor.

Compound that with the fact that I seem to get mastitis once a month, I don't think anyone in my world understands why I insist on nursing the whole first year.

Certainly, the weight loss is a plus.

But the fact that my first son - despite the year of nursing - developed severe asthma, I didn't feel like I even had a choice with the second. And so far, so good - he's 16 months old and very healthy.

And the lazy, free-ness of it all is nice, too. Nothing to buy, nothing to sterilize. It almost makes the vulgarity of pumping worthwhile!

[andrea]

*cheers*

And you're sooo right. There is no such thing as "Pumping in Style." Who did they think they were kidding?

[joy]

great post. i agree whole heartedly on everything you said about the benefits. and i don't think you're selfish - you're honest.

the pump in style comment made me laugh out loud!

[Kelly]

I had similar problems. My son is now 2 weeks old, and I think I cried every day for the first 10 days. He wouldn't latch properly, my nipples were bleeding at one point, so I started pumping. The pumping led to the bad habit of his not wanting me anymore. He would scream and kick me until I gave him a bottle. Now, by day 13 and 14, it's like a light bulb went on in his little brain and he nurses all the time now. And he latches properly too! I'm not cringing every time I have to feed him. I just kept asking advice of friends who have been through it and they kept me motivated to continue to try. Of course, like you, part of my motivation was the weight loss too. The pounds are melting off, but I didn't need the extra boob size. They were big enough to begin with! LOL.

[Boston Mommy]

Just what you want when you've just given birth, your hormones are all over the place, you're going without sleep and trying to manage more than one child simultaneously: Breast shields (and I found the pump difficult enough to manage!). Hang in there and keep reminding yourself of your own words, "It's free! It's free!"

[Dorka]

I commend you! I tried nursing my son when he was born & he wouldn't latch on correctly, causing me so much pain that I just gave up when I got home. People may critisize, but until you know the struggles (and pain) of breasfeeding, you don't have a right to judge. I'm glad you stuck with it. You're a stronger mommy than me. Of course, my boobs are big enough, so I don't need to worry. lol.