Making mommy friends

By Kimberly

Making mommy friends is a lot like cruising the singles scene. There's a lot of hanging around making discrete eye contact, while sizing up the prospects.

"I'm just not into that whole babywearing thing. Too hardcore for me."

"I'm not really into the newborn scene anymore."

"Oooh, she's rolling a Bugaboo. Sweet."

Once the target has been acquired, there's the whole "making contact" dance. Showing interest, but not too much. Breaking the ice with a clever line. Trying to mask the whiff of desperation (among other things).

"So, how old?"

"What's her name?"

"Is he sleeping through the night?"

I'm not really on the market anymore; I've got my mommies to playdate and trade horror stories and advice with. After six years in the trenches, you build up those connections. And if you're as lucky as I am, several in your initial circle will have subsequent babies at the same time, thereby saving you from having to go and make new mommy friends.

My best friend, however, is new to the mommy scene, and just moved 3,000 km away from every mommy she knows. So she's looking to pick up some moms, but isn't having the best luck. The library -- mommy equivalent to the supermarket in terms of pick-up potential -- isn't running programs until September. She's an atheist, so Church isn't really going to be the best place to meet kindred souls. The park is her best bet, but the park is scary. The ultimate mommy singles bar.

Each time I ask her if she's met anyone special, she answers, "Well, I keep going to the park, but none of the other mommies will talk to me!" She was starting to sound a little desperate about it, so I did what any good friend would do, and took on the job of wingmom. During my stay with her this past week I've been meeting the moms for her. Softening them up so that she can swoop in for the kill. Showing her the ropes to the mommy scene as it were:

• Always open by asking an age. It's a nice, judgement-free, nonspecific lead in. Hard to screw up.
• Never ask "boy or girl?"
• And remember to inculde your own name somewhere in the conversation.

We've done pretty well so far. A few phone number exchanges, a couple of tentative plans to get together and do something. Just like any other dating scene, now she has to wait by the phone and see if anyone does call.

So, how do you find the mommy scene?

Kimberly is a proudly lazy, solo mom by choice to Sabrina (6) and Regan (1). She lives with them in Ontario, Canada.

Comments

[Jane]

How come if this is such a universal problem, we don't collectively make it easier for each other. I joined a mommy group, got involved, volunteered, and here I am two years later with women I know, but no real friend connections. Year one, I had to put up with the women that resented me for being thin, wearing fashionable clothing and make up Not that the women from my chapter of this club were any friendlier on day one. Year two, I'm working my ass off for my volunteer positions and still cant seem to scrape up one real friend to have coffee with on occasion outside the group. I think maybe I'm just in the wrong town.

[angel]

I have a hard time meeting strangers. I either come over completely overbearing and loud or the total opposite, like the resident “ice queen”… Damien has been doing gymnastics for six years, and the only “moms” I’ve met are the ones who work at the club and in the tuck-shop where I help out during competitions.

[Julie]

Did your post ever resonate with me...we moved from NYC to Denver a few months ago, and while I wouldn't say that I'm miserable, I will say that I'm having a heck of a time finding people that might end up being good friends.

Back east, we lived less than a block away from a couple who had a daughter less than a week older than our older daughter, and the two girls had been in day care together since they were babies. My husband and I got along fantastically well with this other couple. Wouldn't you know it - they moved to Wisconsin when the girls were two, and we moved here a year later.

I know I have to give it time, but it's so hard.

[Tana]

International MOMS Club!
www.MOMSClub.org

[Sraikh]

I just moved to CA from Singapore. I found a mommy group online and they are a life saver. I have yet to meet someone myself. I never know whether they would want to exchange phone numbers or not.Sigh

[Nicola]

I guess that I was very lucky. I moved to Illinois from Britain when my son was 5 months old, leaving behind my entire mommy friend network (and everything else that was familiar to me). The very fist week that we were here, I attended a LLL meeting. From there, I was directed to the "new baby" group at the local medical centre. And that's where I met my mommy group. We are now 6 who's babies have long since outgrown that "new baby" setting and we have our own weekly rotating playgroup. Our toddlers are great friends and I don't know what we mommies would do without each other. I house/pet sat for one of them last week and just today did some grocery shopping for another who is sick.

My advice to your friend would be to actively seek out "baby groups", play groups, nursing moms groups (if applicable), that sort of thing. These are automatic mommy meeting places and most people are there for the explicit purpose of making friends with other moms.

[Mary]

Kims words are so true. Isn't it funny how most of us have no problems being social, until children come along? They just complicate everything.

[Amelia]

Truer words were never spoken. It totally *is* like the singles scene.
I've reached new depths of insecurity trying to find "Mommy Frinds". Thanks for the article.

[Jeremiah Lee]

"I'm just not into that whole babywearing thing. Too hardcore for me."

I wasn't aware that babywearing was hardcore. What the hardcore part? I mean, it's great for me, because it keeps my babies happy (10 weeks, 15 months) and it keeps my hands free. I didn't know it made my core hard. ;)

More to the topic though, it has been -very- tricky as a full-time dad to get 'mommy' friends. Set aside all the normal weirdness of trying to meet and make friends, and you've got the "I can't talk to him because my husband wouldn't like that" and "I'm sure he's just trying to pick me up" and "Look at his crazy beard". Yeah it's tricky.

And I have such cute babies, you'd think that would help me out.

I have, however, found a group of moms that have accepted me, and I'm happy that I have. It started as a 'formal' meeting that was organized by a childbirth education organization, but it's given me a lot of friends, and it's great.

[bethany]

ROTFL! This is SO true it is scary... I mean, really. What you do for a good mommy friend?!?! Please keep us posted if she has any luck!

[Lei/cottontimer]

Great post and so true. I'm having an even more difficult time because we're living overseas and sometimes the cultural barriers can be hard to overcome. Still trying, though, despite limited success.

[LPF]

Oh my God, how funny. I've just moved to Cleveland from DC and I'm desperately seeking mommy friends. I find myself commenting to my 10 month old as we troll the aisles of Target--she's got the same stroller we do. Oh, she's not very friendly, is she? Hmm, she looks nice.

I miss my friends.