Everyone's an expert

By Meredith

It's hard to do your job when others think they can do it better than you, when perfect strangers don't just offer you advice, but aggressively insist that you heed their chestnuts of wisdom because you sad, misguided person, clearly have no clue what you're doing.

I've never held a job like this before where everything I do is judged. Relentlessly. While it's true that the vocation of "parent" is a near universal job, no one else in the world (with the exception of my betrothed) is a parent to my particular three kids. No one knows them like my husband and I do. So why does everyone else think that they need to tell me –- and all other parents out there -– how to do my very specific job?

Even before I started blogging about parenthood, I was the unwitting subject of unsolicited advice. From the moment I became pregnant with twins it was, "You must have the epidural," "You must go natural," "You must breastfeed," "You mustn't have caffeine," "You must attachment parent," "You must Ferberize." The whole world felt entitled to share its opinions with me and then take issue if I didn't immediately concur. Even though I never asked them their opinions in the first place.

It was startling for me when I ventured out in public with my premature twin babies as a newbie mom and had the outside world wagging their fingers in my face. "What, you're using binkies? That will impede the breastfeeding!" "You Ferberize?!" "Oh, you really shouldn't attachment parent." (Yes, much of the advice was contradictory.)

Then, as I began writing about my experiences parenting –- particularly blogging about it –- I was startled again to receive vociferous, in-your-face admonitions from some of the reading public about my parenting choices. I can't tell you how many times I've been told by readers (few, if any, I'm venturing to guess, read my body of my work to get a sense of who I am, the decisions I make and how I struggle with them) what a bad mother I am. How I have no sense of judgment. How I must be making my children's lives miserable because I admit my parenting miscues.

And, while I know that I should just let the criticisms of strangers roll off my back –- they do NOT know me or my kids –- it just hits me right in the gut, the fact that some people are out there, these self-anointed experts, who think that I'm a miserable mother who's ruining my children's lives.

When my kids are older and can read the tales I've written about their childhoods in essays and blog entries, they're the ones whose judgments I will value the most. When it comes to my parenting, my decisions and my love, only they are the experts.

Meredith O'Brien is a journalist who lives with her family in the Boston area.

Comments

[Robin P]

It's really funny but when you look at the lives of the people who give you advice,you realize that they are in no position to be doing such a thing. Their lives are usually a disaster.

One of my favorite lines in a song is ".....he can't even run his own life. I'll be damned if he'll run mine." That is so true!!

I'm not a perfect mom....who is? but I love my daughter and if I make mistakes and I blog about it,who cares? Sometimes life is just funny. There is always room for laughter.

All you can do is nod and smile when people give you unsolicited advice. Either that or walk away. I prefer that method myself.

[Jason Berggren]

I'm sure you love your children very much and are a wonderful parent. I've found that there are usually 9 negative comments to every postive one. They are out there but miserly loves company. I've discovered that negative people are more likely to share their opinions for some reason. Keep up the good work!

[bethany]

I can really relate... I mean, to the point of me wanting to bitch-slap ANYONE who even blinked an eye in the direction of the kiddo and myself.

It was especially bad when I chose a different parenting style all than my mom (and my husband's mom)--ack!

Now that the kiddo is a little older, it has gotten somewhat better. But still-- some thing said in jest and otherwise still hurt and made my doubt my natural parenting instincts.

[Kat]

Meredith, I share your pain! I have a large extended family and everyone wants a say in parenting my baby. On the other hand, my sister-in-law just had a baby and I catch myself giving unsolicited advice. Then I apologise with a sheepish grin and make sure I give them or the baby a compliment later because while everyone is quick to give advice on what you shouldn't be doing, very few give praise when what you're doing works.