Teaching empathy in the face of tragedy

By Betsy

I'll never forget the time my son Alex came home with a failing grade on his report card. The subject matter? Empathy. It turns out he had little to none of that particular character trait. And I was crushed. His perfect academic scores paled in the face of the undeniable truth (or so it seemed at the time) that I was raising a monster.

Subsequent conversations with his teacher revealed that it was age-appropriate (Alex was only in first grade), the flip side of otherwise positive personality skills (strong self-esteem and confidence, for starters), and –- most importantly -– not at all an undeniable truth. We all colluded together to exercise his empathy muscle.

Over the years, that's been a more challenging job than I'd care to admit, one that constantly tasks me with the responsibility to keep on course. Veering too far into the weeds of complete honesty –- especially with world events of late -– can leave one with a child who believes, as Alex did, that we were also vulnerable to terrorist attacks after 9/11 "because we live in a city that also has Twin Towers, Mom." On the other hand, keeping them sheltered from certain harsh realities does them no favors, either.

I remember taking my two kids out for a "special" dinner to a restaurant one hot summer evening. We went to a seafood place that cost more money than I was comfortable spending at the time, and was probably just a little beyond what the kids could handle, environment-wise. And alas, it was not a pleasant experience. Alex whined about the fact that they didn't have crab on the menu and I should have thought about the fact that he'd want crab when I chose "this stupid place." Zoe didn't want to eat her chicken fingers kids' meal before getting the free ice cream sundae. Both kids were mad that I wouldn't spring for shrimp cocktails for them, fought over the crayon color choices, and wanted to rush me out the door immediately afterwards so they could get home to watch some television show.

I was steamed, to put it mildly. I got in our slightly too-plush minivan (with the built-in VCR/TV combo, no less), started the car, turned on the air conditioning, and proceeded to turn around to read both kids the riot act. Yet the kids didn't seem to get what I was saying. "Could I turn the radio on?" "Mom, the air conditioner's not hitting the back seat yet…!"

I'm not ashamed to admit that I lost it. Turned the air conditioner and radio off, rolled the windows down -– and gave the kids a guided tour of downtown Portland, complete with cutting and sarcastic commentary. "See that family walking back from the bus stop carrying their bags of groceries? They don't have a minivan like this one. They probably don't have enough to eat. And you're whining about not getting crab, Alex?"

We went by homeless shelters … the bus mall … and every other place I could think of that might show them how other people lived. And I continued the commentary, in ways that make me cringe when I remember the words I used. In fact, I can freely admit it now: I was a monster. Finally, I heard this very small, choked voice from the back seat: "Mom, can you please stop now? It hurts to see this…" And I turned to see huge tears running down Alex's cheeks, while his little sister gazed pitifully at me with a look of horror on her face.

Alex, now 12, is an amazingly empathetic kid (with notable and normal pre-teen exceptions and the expected sibling exemption). But 7-year-old Zoe (The Teflon child I've previously confessed to not liking very much lately)? Every sentence seems to start with "I want…" and she firmly believes the universe is just waiting and ready to pay her well-deserved homage some day. It's clearly time to get her empathy muscle exercise routine ramped up a bit more.

Enter Katrina. I think there'll be one last end-of-summer lemonade stand, with 100 percent of the profits donated to the Red Cross. Zoe will ride the bus with me (the minivan's history now, a victim of my chronic unemployed status the last couple of years -- an event that's handed out its own empathy lessons to us all) to hand the money over personally to a teller at a local bank that's taking donations. We'll look for other ways to help, and we'll start by reading through fellow DotMoms contributor Cooper's relief clearinghouse efforts to get toys and supplies directly to displaced families in their new temporary locations. And I'm going to relax my boycott on nightly news programs just a bit over the next week or so to explain just why we're doing what we're doing.

This could backfire. We could have nightmares, resistance, or crying fits. But the alternative –- a kid with a failing grade in empathy –- just isn't acceptable to me.

Betsy is a 40-something single parent in Oregon with a daughter in elementary school and a son in middle school.

Comments

[Elwira]

Betsy,
I command you on the way you handle empathy in raising your children. I am a new teacher still in school myself and researching ideas and inspirations for a big project in college. I love your post and hope that more parents will see the overwhelming need for keeping their children's eyes open and helping them stay that way.

[Robin P]

Earlier this year I had a chat with Lillianna about sympathy,empathy and apathy. It's a 30 minute drive to my Mom's house which is where she goes when I work so I use this time for life lesson talks.
I try to help Lillianna feel how other people feel in different situations and she is really good at putting herself in other people's shoes.
I think it is our job as parents to teach our kids to be kind,caring people.
I know you freaked out on your tour with your kids,but I think I would've been pissed off too if my child whined about not getting a certain food when there are children who are starving.

When Lillianna complains about not getting a certain toy,I just about go insane. She has so many dolls,games and toys and I make sure she knows she needs to be grateful for what she does have rather than focus on what she doesn't have.
It's a work in progress.
This was a great post!!

[Cathy]

Betsy - I loved this post for the obvious reason that it addressed an important issue for parents, but also b/c you mentioned something I might not have thought of - that Alex's teacher knew that his lack of empathy was age-appropriate. Thanks for reminding me to maintain perspective!

[Lisa Nakamura]

this is an excellent post. empathy is really important to me as well. My mother had and has none at all, really, except for herself, and never did anything for a person that wasn't already known to her. I've tried very hard to model different behavior for my daughter. I am also a single parent with joint custody, and an ex that is very short tempered, depressed, and irrational--and he has started spanking my daughter. that isn't a good way to learn empathy at all so i feel I have to take up the slack. it is a really hard situation. any advice is appreciated.

[Christina]

Betsy -

Great post! Following the other comments, I've never seen Empathy graded on a card...perhaps that falls under the "Works well with others" category.

Regardless, I applaud your efforts to help the children get a grasp on the real world...that we are the lucky ones, even when we can't have our shrimp coctail or if, God forbid, the cable goes out and it can't be fixed right away.

My children, 15, 13, and 9, have been watching the coverage of Katrina and are just floored. Still, though, the magnitude of it seems surreal to them because it's not something they can actually see on their own, it's not tangible. 9/11 was the same way..they didn't really get the full effect of that until a friend of ours who had been sent to NY to help shore up the Amex building brought home pictures of Ground Zero. Katrina hit them the same way when, driving to Michigan this weekend, we could see remnants of her floating through the beautiful sky. Then it hit them. As they're reading the news stories about all of the people spreading from one state to the next seeking temporary shelter, it's hitting them.

It's important that we do not baby them and that they are exposed to the realities of the world...and trust me, I'm all about baby-ing my kids. But they can't grow up thinking this only happens to others and can't happen to them.

I love your lemonade stand idea and may have my children follow in your shoes. What a wonderful concept.

[muse]

How does one grade "empathy?" Not every teacher is sufficiently sensative to judge what's in a person's heart.

[Kate]

Hmm, great post. I'm also impressed that empathy was listed on your son's report card. My kids are still young (1 and 3) but lately I've been thinking about what values I want to teach them, and how in the heck to go about it. I guess the big answer to that is to teach by example-- and that sort of makes me cringe, as lately I haven't really been putting into practice much of what I would claim to value. I am still so overwhelmed with the day-to-day logistics of parenting two small kids that just keeping them clothed and fed and relatively safe is all I can worry about these days. Of course they grow up so fast, I'd better start paying more attention to these things...