Post-partum depression, nine months later

By Chris

I'll be the first to admit it. When I read about the impending Tom-Kat baby, my first thought was, "Ha, I hope she gets post-partum depression. Maybe then the Tom half will get a clue." But as quickly as I had that thought, I repented.

I don't wish PPD on anyone.

I have had seven pregnancies and given birth to seven children. I never had any serious post-partum depression with the first six pregnancies, I had no reason to think the seventh would be any different. But it was. I was depressed, overwhelmed, and angry. I couldn't sleep, convinced that something would happen to my son. When I did fall asleep I would wake up panicked that he was dead and I would have to rouse him. I wished I could disappear. Well meaning people told me to get away, but they couldn't see that my children were my lifeline. It was beyond depression and into despair.

I wrote many things during that time that I never published anywhere. I was recently reading some of things I wrote and came across the following, which I think sums up the feelings better than I could ever do now. I have resisted to the urge to go back and edit it and clean it up; for better or worse, here it is.

There are good days, and then there are others.
The fog surrounds me
and I can't seem to catch my breath or see clearly through it.
Enveloped.

The times when I am reading a story out loud
and my voice wanders off
finally my 6-year-old reaches up and touches my face.
I can feel him willing me to look at him
and when I do he smiles.
"I love you, Mommy."

And I have to remember to smile back.

We go outside and feel the warm sunshine on our shoulders
the heat on the back of our necks
We pick blueberries off of our bushes
So many blueberries this year
a rebirth, of something, I hope.

We gorge ourselves
until we feel that sick sweet sticky feeling in the pits of our stomach.
It's the taste of melancholy.
I put down the bucket and stretch out on the grass
On my back, arms straight out,
the crucified martyr.
The children run around the bushes
Around and around
Screams mixed with laughter
"Look at me, Mommy!"

I close my eyes and am taken back 30 years
the smells of sunscreen, berries, and freshly-cut grass evoke memories
of days like this day,
only without the profound sadness.
A place when time stretched before me as an eternity
And I could be anything I wanted,
even happy.

I open my eyes and I am here.
From this day on
Will blueberries always taste like tears?

A small sticky mouth kisses me
and tiny purple stained hands grab my face and pull it close.
pulling me out of myself.
"Mama," the voice says.

And I have to remember to smile.

So much to be thankful for
Why can't it be enough?

Chris is an artist, writer, wife, and mother of seven children. Nine months after the birth of her seventh child, she no longer has to remind herself to smile.

Comments

[angelic1226]

First, my apologies, I know you wrote this eons ago but I'm new to the site and found this post moving and insightful.
I am a new mom -- my beloved is only 9 weeks old and am going through a few of the same feelings. I especially relate to the overwhelming fears associated with a feeling that something terrible is going to happen:

You wrote:
"I couldn't sleep, convinced that something would happen to my son. When I did fall asleep I would wake up panicked that he was dead and I would have to rouse him."

Because of these fears, I sleep in the living room on our couch, which reclines, with my baby sleeping on my chest -- just to make sure that she is breathing okay throughout the night. I tried using a cradle the first few nights after I came home from the hospital but I couldn't sleep because I felt an overwhelming need to watch her and make sure she was okay. Every little peep she made, I was aware of. Finally, one night after many hours of "trying to rest but not.." - I put her on my shoulder and we both fell asleep that way. We've been doing it ever since.
My problem now is that the end of my maternity leave is drawing near and my husband is afraid that I am not getting enough rest this way (plus I'm sure he'd like to sleep in our bed again some day -- right now, I sleep on the couch with babe on my shoulder and he sleeps on the floor nearby). However, I still have my fears and am not sure how to overcome them.
Is this just every new moms' plague and eventually -- with time, it gets better? Will I ever sleep in my own bed again?
Please share your thoughts.
Thanks

[Ms. C]

Wow, that was real. I don't have any children, but I think I understand the seriousness of the situation. It seems to me the hardest thing in the world would be to have that time with your new baby taken away by depression. It seems hard, being emotionally robbed, as it is. Good for you for hanging in.

[jody2ms]

Chris, that is so excellent. Thanks so much for posting it.

[lilorfnannie]

"So much to be thankful for
Why can't it be enough?" Haven't I thought that one to myself. Over & over & over.

[Tami]

I laughed out loud at your opening paragraph, and cried at the rest of your post. I, too, immediately rolled my eyes at the Tom-Katie news and hoped that she would sink into the depths of PPD so he might understand that it is REAL! In all seriousness, though, I would never wish it on anyone. My depression came 3 months after a miscarriage, so it wasn't exactly PPD, but, reading your post, I know we spent time in the same dark, terrible place. Earlier this evening I spent time going through pictures that my husband has taken over this past year, trying to fill pictures frames and albums. I was astounded at how I looked on the pictures taken during the time before I sought help for the depression. I didn't even recognize the hollow expression or the downturned eyes and mouth. I looked ill - which I was. Thinking of the fog and how it held me so still now makes me naseous. Luckily, I didn't stay still very long. Getting pregnant and getting help jolted me out and I feel like myself again. Our second baby will be here in about 8 weeks. I have already told my doctor that I'll be first in line for anti-depressants after the birth if I start to feel the fog returning. (Amazing that you use the same word...). Thank you for your post. Oh, and I heard that Tom/Katie are going to have a "silent" birth as Scientology reccommends. No screaming or crying allowed, and of course no pain medication. How do we rescue that poor girl from his clutches???

[stacey crescitelli]

That made me cry. My baby is 9 months old too & this is my 2nd round of PPD. It is soooooooo hard.
Your blog always cheers me.

[amy]

MY PPD was the cause of my lack of mothering and my need for attention I couldn't get from my now ex husband. I'm so glad now to be free of the "fog" and it's nice to see it put into words....I can't change what happened back then...but I can embrace the now....

[Nicola]

Chris, that was beautiful. I remember those feelings, especially knowing that I had everything in the world to be thankful for, but just didn't seem to care. You summed up the feelings of PPD with practised eloquence. Thank you for sharing.

[Imperfect Mommy]

Thank you so much for this. It sums up so many feelings I (and I know a lot of other mothers) have felt. No one can understand unless they have been there.

[sleepingmommy]

So very beautiful Chris, and I know that for me the beauty is found so much in how it describes my own feelings.

How many times has my four year old come up to me and hugged me and said "I love you mommy" and I can tell he's trying to make me feel better. They shouldn't have to do that should they?

Thank you for sharing this. It's so important.

[Cathy]

I think you've captured the quagmire that is postpartum depression - I couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy when I had waited so long and been through so much to have my baby. Thankfully, I had a very understanding OB and a very supportive pediatrician. Anything that lets women know they're not the only ones to feel this way, even if it is Tom Cruise's brand of insanity, can be helpful.

[stellasmami]

Beautiful post! Tom Cruise has unintentionally helped many women, I think, as his crazy 'knowledge of Psychiatry' has gotten communities of women to talk openly to each other, and create a wonderful support-system in this way as well as resource. Katie Holmes must be a strong woman, as she's still with him, and I hope! for her that she stays strong ! As if this story isn't getting weirder and weirder...a silent birth....don't traumatize the baby? what is with this L.Ron ? And where do women fall in this religion? And are only actors subscribing to it?

[amy h]

Wow, Chris. That is so powerful. Thank you for pubishing this so that others might read it.

[Kimberly]

Oh Chris. That was beautiful. Thank you.