Having a third child

By Michelle

After I had my first child, I knew I wanted a second baby. Boy or girl, it didn't matter to me. There was no question about it. I waited until my son was about 18 months old and in time we conceived our second. Now that my daughter is reaching that same milestone, my thoughts are very different. I'm now starting to question whether I want a third, even though it was always in the original plan. 

Having two children means they don't outnumber us. It means we can take the entire family out to dinner and a movie just for fun and not only on special occasions. We won't have to live on Cheetos and water with only two college educations to pay for.  And soon, I won't have to change diapers any more (cue the Hallelujah chorus). 

But then, I wonder about what this unborn child could be like. What if he or she becomes the sunshine of my life? What if he rocks my world in a way I can't possibly imagine? Could I really give that up for the selfish desire to wear comfortable jeans and not have to put my body through the discomfort of yet another pregnancy? I can't answer that yet.

I come from a family of two, while my husband is from a family of six. To him, large families mean boisterous fun, teasing, and a strong sense of loyalty. It also meant that he almost never went out to dinner with the entire family. He never really had birthday parties, either. And yet, he doesn't miss them since he never knew what it was like.  Unfortunately, he does know what it was like to have an older brother hang him from the doorknob by his underwear.

For me, some of my happiest memories come from the intimacy of a small family. We went out to Sunday brunch every week after church at the officer's club on base.  I am very close to my parents, and because my children are the only grandchildren, they are spoiled rotten.

As each month passes, I question whether I want our family dynamic to change. Do I want to go back to the sleepless nights, only now with two older children in tow? Do I want to juggle the bottles, baby food, diapers, and spit-up while trying to give the others time alone with me? Or do I want to keep our family the way it is?

What made you decide to have another child or to quit while you were ahead?

Michelle lives with her husband and children in southeastern Virginia, where she teaches sixth-graders and also write historical romances.

Comments

[Allison]

I too struggle with this issue. I am 36 and really thought we were done, our daughters are 8.5 and 6.5. They were not intentionally conceived in a relationship that was by no means perfect. We toughed it out and have been married for 5 years. My husband now is desperate for a third, thinking we have to have a planned happy pregnancy. I adore my girls and they are so happy and healthy. I do have that longing for a third, but am afraid I would be having it for selfish reasons and taking too much from my girls. My husband and I make equal money and I work full time, so there is no way I could stay home and I am already overwhelmed by the house despite having kids that are quite self sufficient. I am also terrified of possible birth defects. I thought I had decided no becaue my others are to old, but I met a girl last weekend with two way older sisters and she loved it, so back to square one.
My family would not support the decision and my friends don't want to lose me, they are all done having kids. But, again, I just want another and I don't want to be peer pressured out of having another. AGONIZING!!!!!

[Isabel]

Wow, so many of these posts are so similar to my feelings right now. I am 32 and a half, and my husband and I have two boys, ages 4 and 6. We talk about possibly having a third child every single day, seriously. It's ridiculous. But we have two main fears: finances and my emotions. I have to work full-time right now, and we are both afraid that I won't be able to handle leaving the baby at daycare at just a few weeks old. But then, I think, the "daycare days" won't last forever, especially as a little baby. I mean, is that a reason to NOT have a baby? And financially, well... we could do it but it would be much harder than with just having two kids. I am also worried about giving each child attention, etc. I'll admit, we are a very comfortable family right now... I like the dynamics, and the boys are at a very "easy" age... we just hop in the car and go. But I desperately do NOT want to look back 10 or 15 years from now and have piercing regret, you know? I've prayed about it. Sometimes I just think, go for it! Things will work out! People have 3 kids all the time, and they're happy. C'mon! And then sometimes I think, when times are very stressful and the kids are yelling and I'm exhausted from work, etc... what was I thinking?! A third?! Soooo... as you can see, we agonize over this. Probably, I think, we will end up just "going for it." But we'll see. I, too, seem to seek advice on this issue often. It's a big decision, for sure. But I just think, although it will certainly be hard in several ways to have three kids, surely the benefits and joys surpass everything else. Surely.

[Tiffany]

I am so glad I found this post too!. I am 40 and want another child so desperately. I feel it is my heart aching. I had a terrible miscarriage Dec.08 and was almost hospitalized. I spent the entire day and part of the night in ER. I have an 18 year old. My husband and I have a 5 and 2 year old and he has a 16 and 12 year old that he only sees once year because of where they live. I feel like my miscarriage was my fault. I didn't drink enough water and was drinking caffiene to alleviate migraines(on Dr. direction). The doctor said that the miscarriage was probably due to "environment" and that just proved to me that it was my fault. I usually take such good care of myself. I feel like accidentally getting pregnant was a sign because I wanted another child so bad. My last two were planned to the day of conception. My husband says absolutely not. But could he be swayed? It is so hard for me. I stay at home and am a huge part of all three of my girls lives. I would love to have a son, but another daughter would be okay too. I am very healthy, eat right exercise, etc. I am ready. Will this feeling go away? Will I resent my husband for telling me "no"? Any advice would be great.

[Mary]

I will be 35 in Sept. O have a 4.5 y/o son and a 6 month old daughter. I am a stay at home mom. I too am struggling with having another child. I love my 2 very much, but sometimes I really want another one. My husband and I were not in a great place when our son was born. We vowed only to have the one, within a few years our marriage grew thanks to really finding God. He had a reversal and now we have our daughter. I am so torn over having a third. I am worried the older child would get lost in the shuffle. I also have a pretty sick pregnancy. I had clotting with my daughter and almost had to have a transfusion. I think about the slight medical risks, but I wonder if I use that more of a crutch to not have another one. It does seem like a selfish decision. My husband is leaning towards only 2, but I know I could easily persuade him. AGH!! I do not want to look back and regret anything. We both come from a family with 2 kids, but neither of us are close to our siblings. Why is this so hard?

[lisa]

Wow...I can't believe how many women feel the same way I do. I have been agonizing over whether or not to have another child for the last two years. I have an 11 year old stepson and 5 year old identical twin boys. I went back to work when the twins turned 2, but I quit after two years because life was just too crazy. I have been a SAHM for the past year. I have a miscarriage two months ago and I'm not sure whether or not I want to try again. We were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant--but nervous. The twins go to kindergarten next year, so I'll finally be able to concentrate on work again. Still...I have this nagging feeling that our family is incomplete. I have been thinking about adopting a foster child, but my husband has many concerns with this. A coworker of his used to foster and said it was really difficult and stressful on his marriage. The kids have so many issues and his bio kids picked up some negative behavior, etc. If we do opt to adopt, he wants to wait until the twins are a few years older. I don't know what to do??? I'm 40 years old.

[Jess]

My husband and I have also been thinking about having a third child. We have a daughter (9) and a son (6). When our son was born, we were told that we had the dream family, a girl and a boy. Which we do, but it has made us feel selfish when we admit we both want another child? Sometimes we feel that someone is missing and our family is not complete, but sometimes we feel that it's just right. It's been amazing to hear the reactions from other parents when we mention having another. "But you have it so easy now" or "gosh, how will you go out to eat?" or "the kid will just be dragged around". After reading all of these posts, I can tell that many of you have also heard similar comments. Why do we focus on these things? The more words of wisdom and advice we get just make my husband and I realize that we are just looking for someone to say, yes we should!

[Rebecca]

Wow! I have been searching for people who are feeling this way. I have 2 boys, 5 and 7. I have not been able to stop thinking about having another baby either. It's like there is this little soul that cries out to me just waiting to be born. It's agonizing. We have had a few pregnancy scares with mixed feelings. If it was positive, I think we would have been ecstatic. When it came back negative, we were actually dissappointed. He said he could never see himself trying to conceive a third but if it happened by accident, it would have been cool. It has been suggested to me to "make this accident happen" by coming off my pills. I am so torn. HELP!

[Shelly]

My husband and I have been talking about having a third for about a year now. He just got back from a tour of active duty at the end of October, so he has been back for 2.5 months. He told me he wants me to get off the pill and try for baby #3. I am so excited but at the same time I am scared to death! We have a 6 yr old daughter and a 3 yr old son. When your children reach this age and everything becomes easier it is hard to motivate yourself for '"starting over". How do you know what the right decision is?

[Gina]

For the last couple of months, we have been trying to decide if we should have our third child. We have been blessed with boy/girl 5-year-old twins and they are our pride and joy! We got pregnant IVF, when I was 34. My daugther and son would love being a big brother and a big sister, I just worry about one child always being outnumbered. My husband responded "let's have twins again and even it out!!! I am now 40 and I can hear the clock ticking LOUDLY! Here we are thinking of having another baby or twins... we even made the appointment with the IVF specialist. It probably wouldn't be an issue but we have three eggs on ice (frozen embryos) and my twins were originally triplets but we lost one). I honestly think I should go with my heart. Life is too short for regrets. Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Dominique]

I talked with a friend today who's in her early 40s. She said that the 20s and 30s are commonly marked by this overwhelming desire to have a baby. She says that once we hit 40, it pretty much goes away. Golly, I have another 13 years of this feeling?!?

RITA: the fact that you are even thinking about not wanting to neglect the first two says to me that you won't. You are aware that you can get lost in a new baby and the responsibility that comes with...this will help you to involve the other two more.

TO those of you with health problems: don't forget about adoption! My husband and I have talked about adopting in the years to come. We wouldn't adopt a baby, but a child closer to the two we have.

[rita]

I am very thankful for the above posts. I am 38+ with a 10 yr old daughter and 5 yr old son. Kids are grown up enough to look after themselves, but financially, physically and morally, should I get pregnant again and neglect these 2 little kids?? i really really want to become pregnant again.

[Dominique]

Wow, I'm so glad to have found this board. I'm 27, and have 3 to 4 quarters of college left before I obtain my degree. (thank God!) My husband and I have a 7.5 year old girl and a 3.5 year old boy. We just got over an intense pregnancy scare, turned out false. We both have mixed feelings about having another.

We do enjoy our sleep, I'll only be able to stay home for about 3-4 months with him/her, expenses, etc. But I can't shake this feeling that I want another child. And if I do, I want it to be before my early 30s.

My husband mentioned that having another child will give us the opportunity to do things right. (We weren't prepared for the first two.)

Before finding this forum, I saw an article about this and the last thing mentioned was that having another child is more a decision of the heart.

Right now my heart says yes. But when the new baby is 4, will it say yes again? And again?

Anybody been here?

[Equally Frustrated]

I have been struggling with this issue for a long time. I am 33. I have two boys, 6 yr and 4 yr. I have not stopped thinking about having another since my last. My husband says he is done-he does not want to jeopardize time we have together and new freedoms since the children are getting older. We both work full time and feel stressed with our schedule as it is. I do not want to push us to the limit but I cannot (despite my best efforts) shake the feeling. When I muster up determination to get rid of the last remnants of baby in the house, my husband does not take the cue to push me through that door. I am really frustrated and just want to be resolved one way or another. HELP.

[Ivy]

I am struggling like a lot of others on this board about having a third child. I will be 38 in december. I have a 4yr.old and a 10 month old. I think about a third all the time. But I had 2 c-sections. I lost my right ovary while 14 weeks pregnant with my 10 month old we did not know if he would survive the pregnancy. I was pregnant in between my two with a little girl with severe birth defects that I had to terminate because I was told she would not survive the pregnancy or if she did she would not survive long after being born. I think that is my biggest fear is to have another child with severe defects that would take away from the two boys I have now. and then I had severe post-partum depression. I feel grateful for what I have some women have trouble having just one. I think of the financial part. My husband is 47 yrs.old. But I still would like one. But I struggle everyday with it .I feel like my age is putting a lot of stress on the decision. I love my 2 boys and feel sometimes I could give them more if there were just the two of them but I love children so much but honestly don't know if I could handle 3.

[Juli]

I have 6 and 3 yr old boys. They are healthy, handsome, but a lot of work. I've never thought that I would even think of having 3rd child, so when I found out that I got pregnant last year I decided to terminate it. My family and friends also didn't support me having 3rd. Now I regret it.... My heart is screaming to have one more, to make more sibling for my boys and to have one last chance to try for a girl. I am 35.5 yr old and just got my copper IUD taken out because of 2 months bleeding. But I am scared to even ask my husband about 3rd child since he carries lots of stress from his unstable job and never-end student loans. I think one more child will bring more joy, but I do worry about money... I am finally thinking about going back to work, so if we have one more I'll have to delay my career again. I will probably never see my parents overseas since it costs $$$ to fly with 3 children. They can't visit us because they are too old to fly for so long. If I was 40 I would have given up having one more. But since I know now is the only chance, the thought of trying for another one haunts me everyday... I am so surprised that I don't even care about things that I used to care: stretch marks, sagged tummy & breasts, sleepless nights, freedom, etc. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am the youngest of 3 siblings, and my husband is one of 2. I didn't enjoy growing up with my brothers because they used to tease me, but I still think it's nice to know you have your siblings watching out for you. I don't have a clue how to deal with this uncontrollable urge.... Could it be just temporary fever?? or is the God telling me to have one more?? Any thoughts or advice will be greatly appreciated!

[Holli]

Anna- Thank you so much for your post. I was touched by your words. I thank you for your point of view. It seems that I am the age you were several years ago when you made your decision, and I want to make the right one for me. I have gone back and forth on having a 3rd for the last 6 months. I will be 38 in November and feel like I need to make a decision asap. I have two daughters 4 and 2 and they are wonderful and bring much joy to my life. My husband is neutral about having a 3rd. He used to be against it, but now says he'll go for it if I want to. I just don't know What I want. Part of me wants to just keep my life simple and raise my girls and get on with the career I love. After all I am almost 40...and part of me says...what is life about? I want to meet another one of my children. I can put off my career a few more years. I am loving raising my girls. Anna I just don't know what to do. Tell me more about your feelings now. How old are your children?

[Melissa]

I just got my period after being late 2 weeks...and now I have very mixed emotions.
I'm 33, we have 2 daughters 3yr and 1yr. And since my sister- in -law just had her 3rd child we have been talking if we would stop having children .or try again for some time...
We just bought a 3 bedroom house. And we thought if we stop now the girls will each have their own room...we don't have to get a bigger house, no one has to share a room...we don't need a mini van...and I don't have to work. I currently stay home with the girls. The girls will inherit everything 50/50 and they never have to feel that they weren't valued enough...and we tried for a boy because they werent enough.
But just when I thought we should stop, I got this pregnancy scare.
I always thought I would have a big family, I have 3 siblings, my husband has 2.
But after 2 difficult pregnancys with extreme hypertension and 2 c-sections...and my father who I was extremely close too,died when my little one was just 2 months old...I suffered post partum and post traumatic stress...It has been very difficult and I felt that 2 girls were plenty.
But when I thought I was pregnant...I had mixed emotions...I felt what if this is the boy...And I started to get excited..now that I know i'm not pregnant...should I go ahead and get my tubes tied like we were considering...and enjoy life, or try for that 3rd, My husband keeps saying he thinks I want a boy more then him...I just don't want to regret the decision later on. But I also feel that if I have another child it might send me into deppression again thinking that my father would not be part of this childs life...which still saddens me daily with the current children...but I am comforted that he at least saw them born and held them...I'm so confused.

[anna]

Just glancing over all these posts, my only thought is that I wish desperately to be able to go back 7 or 8 years to when we were making this decision. I went along with my husband's wish to stop, and now I find myself nearing 46 years old with no other job I love than parenting and with that job coming to an end far, far too early. Empty years stretch ahead of me, and my children will almost without doubt live far away. I did not look ahead when I went along with a decision that was against my strong longings, and I regret it so deeply.

[anna]

Just glancing over all these posts, my only thought is that I wish desperately to be able to go back 7 or 8 years to when we were making this decision. I went along with my husband's wish to stop, and now I find myself nearing 46 years old with no other job I love than parenting and with that job coming to an end far, far too early. Empty years stretch ahead of me, and my children will almost without doubt live far away. I did not look ahead when I went along with a decision that was against my strong longings, and I regret it so deeply.

[sara]

Reading all if this is so helpful. I have two girls, ages 7.5 and 5. I just turned 30 this month, and my husband and I have been talking about having a 3rd baby. I have great pregancies, c-section was fine. The 3rd gets me thinking bout how we would have to slow down our current lifestyle. My girls are at such easy ages. Going back to bottles, diapers, late nights. ARGH! Then I think, the baby stage only lasts so long! I have the ability to work less and spend time at home. Why not just stop wasting time and do it! But, I do have the IUD and i havent brought myself to get it taken out yet. My biggest concern is taking time and devotion away from my girls. I think bout this daily and it drives me nuts!!! How do you decide yes or no???

[Leigha]

Kim, I completely understand how you feel. Twins run in both sides of our family as well and I am scared to try for a third and end up with double my children. I am very happy with my step son and my daughter but my husband is wanting one of "ours" which makes me feel terrible not to be able to haev that with him. I am just scared of finances and being a terrible parent. I already feel like I don't have enough time with my children now, with 4 I really would have trouble and there is no way that I would be sane enough to stay home with them all day or financially compfortable enough. I am only 23 years old so my husband absolutely refuses to do anything permanent (he is 28). I think that when you know, you know. If it is really gods will, you will get pregnant no matter how hard you try not to. ha. Both of our kids were conceived this way. I love my kids and I want them to be able to haev all of the things that we didn't when we were growing up. Right now we live very compfortably. But my husband also liked growing up with a ton of siblings.

[carol]

I am 38 and I have a 14 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. I just found out that I am pregnant and I am so confused and nervous. My first child was a surprise and my second was an invitro baby due to not being able to get pregnant. So how am I pregnant?? My doctor says anything is possibe. So as you can imagine I am so surprised. My husband is so excited and I am numb!!

[Louise]

This is the most agonizing decision ever! I have a 5 yr old and a nearly 1 year old and the thought of not experiencing all of the wonderful joys again is so depressing. We would struggle financially with a third but I just think that it would be a wonderful experience. My head says "no" but my heart is yelling a resounding "YES!!!!". What to do?!

[Kim]

I am a mother of 2 beautiful girl's, age 7yrs old & 16 month's old. My husband & I had no trouble concieving our 1st daughter, a yr later we concieved again & I miscarried. In 2003 we concieved again & miscarried once again. We then saw a Fertility Specialist, he said that we needed to have Intrauterine Insemination done, we could not afford to do it & of course insurance does not cover fertility. So, we decided not to try for anymore children. Well, in 2006 I became pregnant & in 2007 we delievered another little girl. Now my husband is wanting just one more child, I am completely happy with our 2 duaghter's. I am one of 2 children & my spouse in one of 3 children. I'm not totally against the idea of another child, but am nervous. Twins runs on both side of the family, also come April of 2009 we both will be turning 35 yrs old. If anyone has any advice, I sure could use some. For now I'm going to leave it in God's hand's. Good luck to all you ladies, I have enjoyed reading all your articles!!!

[Claire]

Hi,
I too am struggling with the third child issue. I have two gorgeous boys who are 3 years old and 14 months, and they have been pretty easy as kids go, but I am worried about my age (36 in Dec) and also need to get back to work for some desperately needed money.
My parents think my sister and I are agonising too long over this issue but we both feel our hearts say have three and our heads say stick with two! She has two boys too, and although she is only 33, her boys are older, not great sleepers and are more work than my two, as well as the fact that she's getting her house fully renovated next year. But yet we both feel our families are "unfinished".
In regard to an early post on this issue - I HAVE heard one lady say having her third child was the worst decision of her life, though she loves her little boy (had 2 older easy girls before). She said they are too busy & stressed and she never has time for herself or her husband now. I wonder if she'll feel a bit better once he's grown, as he's only 18 months... and also I hope he never, ever knows she said that!