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October 16, 2005

Comments

John Doe

haha, u suk

Erica

Also, I would assume that the arrangement with your ex is fluid--that if at some point one or both of you decided that the joint custody wasn't working, you could make some adjustment? You shouldn't feel forced into something that doesn't feel right if there's another, better solution out there....

Gina

How blessed you are to know that your daughter is reasonably content most days, not suffering too much during her separation from you.

Even if she does miss you a great deal, and she probably does, it is sometimes hard for a child to shift gears emotionally and bond with you on cue. It's natural for a child to have trouble leaving an activity the minute the phone rings. Even adults have trouble with that one. And small children are usually not sophisticated enough to take their longing for you and save it up to share with you when you call and channel those emotions into a meaningful talk with you. (I know some adults who have trouble doing that too.) That will probably come with greater maturity.

Let your child be happy for now, and be grateful for every day that she is happy, even when you are not there with her. Put her feelings ahead of your own. Yes, your days with her are more precious now because they are limited. They say that 99% of happiness is learning to find the good in your current situation, right where you are. And you have so much to be thankful for. You do.

Maria

Okay - I can't comment on the divorce/custody aspect. But, would it help you to know that my 3 kids have done that to me or my husband many, many times when we've called from a work trip? Daddy's calling from Timbuktu and kids can't be interrupted from their video, game, whatever, to say Hi - Mommy's calling from her trip and filled w/guilt and no one can be bothered to let her say good night, I love you.

Hang in there - you made the best decision for your family. If you were together and away - she'd do the same thing...(so either way, there's guilt;)

Christina

Amy - Listen to Robin. She's got a great point. I know I've commented on this custody thing before. My kids live with me, with Dad every other weekend and that's only 5 minutes away, walking distance, really.

It's going to be fine, she's just being two, but I completely understand your reaction. I would have done the same thing - I guarantee. My mother always told me not to let the frustration of my divorce and my stupid ex's "ways" get to me...he would always threaten to take the kids away if I didn't do things his way and the thought would devastate me so badly that I wouldn't think rationally.

My thoughts would immediately go to, "Oh God, what if he finds out that I left the kids unattended while I went outside?" "Oh God, what if he finds out they had pizza for dinner two days in a row?" I know it's not the same, but my point is - and you made the same point - that the worry and the upset will set you off into a world of thinking totally and completely irrationally.

Isabelle will be fine. So will you and so will Dad. There will be days when she'll turn on him to, trust me.

You can do this. You're a strong woman!

Kimberly

Oh, Amy. I'm devastated for you. Just devastated. I agree with the others that it's mostly just the joy of 2, but still. I also agree with Robin P. I could NEVER share custody like that (and someday I may tel you about it). Thanks for being so brave and honest about the tribulations here. And for having the courage to acknowledge that doing right by Isabelle is a hard process. I think you're figuring it out beautifully.

LauriJon

Amy, I agree with everyone, ahe's just being two.

The first time Maricella didn't give me a good night kiss, but said, "No." it totally wrecked me. But just like when she gives me a gentle push and says, "Go." I know she's just trying to establish a little independence.

Your shared custody situation is so difficult, which is one of the things that makes any rejection harder. It was probably due to being at her grandparent's house since they are unfamiliar surroundings.

Hang in there, your little girl loves you!

Roni

Ames...She's just being two. Heck, there are days when Ella rejects me or the hubby. Then she turns around and gives us a hug. Sadly, Isabelle isn't with you to turn around and give you a hug.

Ella even rejected me a bit when I came home from the 2nd weekend away. They're pesky lil girls right now. We have to roll with the punches while still letting them know we love them to bits.

**hugs**

amy h

This sounds soooo very hard! Yikes. Having had a two year old and one that is coming up on two, I think that you can probably chalk it up to "temporary feelings" and immature coping skills. I think that you have to let some of that stuff roll off your back as much as you possibly can or it will eat you up. As she gets older maybe you can come up with an "away time" (i.e., time with daddy) routine that feels good to both of you (e.g., calling schedules that both of you agree to), but until then, I think you just keep calling on your schedule because she does need to know that you are consistently "there" even when you aren't in the same house. Sorry this is so hard.

Robin P

I wish I could say something helpful and rational but I can't. I am still devastated that you have to share custody like that. You must be such a strong and loving person to have agreed to that for your daughter's sake. I would cry for the seven days that she was away.

The only advice I can offer is don't be manipulated by this. Yes,she is only 2 but this is when they learn how to push everyone's buttons.

When Rich and I separated 2 1/2 years ago,Lillianna was 5 1/2.He left saying he didn't want to be married anymore but he only moved 4 minutes away from us. At first,Lillianna would call Rich before bedtime and insist he tuck her in. He felt guilty so he came over and tucked her in. Sure that was nice but she had it figured out that Daddy would do anything she asked to make her feel better. I told Rich to start saying no to her. He was here all weekend and one night during the week while I was at work so she saw him a lot. He knew I was right and he didn't come over when she called him but he did sing to her and tell her stories over the phone.
That was a good compromise.

I wish you luck,Amy. I could never do what you are doing. I am not that selfless. You are a great mom!

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