Underage drinking

By Robin P.

"If you're going to drink alcohol, do it at home in front of me. I don't want to hear from one of the neighbors that you were sneaking a drink behind the school." I was 12 years old when my Dad started saying this to me. At that age, drinking was the furthest thing from my mind. We always had beer and wine in the fridge and it didn't interest me.

I was often allowed to have a sip or two of wine at holiday dinners. Holidays were the only time alcohol was served in our family and I don't remember if Mom even drank a glass of wine. I just don't associate her with alcohol. Dad liked Miller beer. He didn't drink a six pack like some people do every night. He had one ice cold beer every day when he came home from work in the summer. Sometimes two if it was really hot outside.

When I was a teenager, my friends hung out at the fire road which was behind the same school that my dad always warned me about. Since I wanted to hang out with my friends, I simply told my parents where I was going. I mixed milk and Kahlua in a thermos and headed out the door. My parents were OK with this and just told me to be careful. I always was.

When I was 17 years old,still not legally old enough to drink, my friends came over for a night of alcohol experimentation. One of the dads bought all different kinds of alcohol for us. We just wanted to try new things. Mom and Dad were on vacation and Papa was home with me. He didn't mind "the girls" hanging out at our house even when I told him we'd be drinking. As long as we did it in the house, there was no problem. Every one of my friends who was there had permission from her parents to be there and to be drinking.

When my friend Ann graduated from high school in 1980, she had a huge party at her house. All the kids were drinking. Ann's mother took everyone's car keys and asked us to call our parents to say that we'd be sleeping over that night because we were in no condition to drive. I called home and told my mom. She said that was fine and she told me to have fun. I knew before I called her what she was going to say.

It was so easy to grow up in my family. As long as I was honest, I could pretty much do anything that I wanted.

Recently I started thinking about what I will do when Lillianna asks to taste an alcoholic drink. Rich doesn't drink any alcohol and I only have wine on the holidays. We both agree that she will be allowed to taste it for the first time whenever she asks. We will also let her drink in our home when she is a teenager but her friends will not be allowed to drink in our home under any circumstances. We could be arrested for that.

If Lillianna tells us that she will be drinking at a party during her teen years, I know I will panic. Even now, I have started to talk to her about alcohol and she is only eight years old. When we watch the news and see that a drunk driver killed someone or caused an accident, I explain what drinking can do.

One day she said, "You know, Mom, you might want to wait until I'm old enough to drive to have this talk with me." I said, "Oh, believe me, we will have this talk over and over until you drive and then for years after."

Even though I grew up with parents who were "cool" about drinking, I know I am going to be more strict with Lillianna. Times have changed since I was a teenager and parents have to be more vigilant. I can't imagine the graduation party from 1980 taking place in 2005. If a parent let 25 drunk kids sleep at her house because they partied too much, I imagine the police and many arrests would be in order.

Did your parents let you drink alcohol before you were 21? What will your rules be for your children?

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Comments

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[Jess]

It was never a problem in my house - I never had an interest until age 19 or 20. I still hate the taste of beer and can barely tolerate wine - I go for the screwdrivers or shots. ;) My sister is 18 and completely against drinking in any form, though I'm sure that will change now that she's in college.

As for what I plan to do down the road... well, I don't think I'd have a problem with my kids imbibing in moderation in the house while I'm there - in the Netherlands, the legal age for beer and wine is 16 and most kids are drinking by 14, so I don't see it as such a taboo - but I agree: I'd never let their friends drink in front of me. Too many legal possibilities. And I would still probably try to discourage it for as long as possible (you know, brains still developing and all that...)

But are there really kids who taste beer and wine or wine coolers and immediately love them and want them all the time? It was such an acquired taste for me... truth be told, I STILL prefer orange juice over alcohol. But that's why I love Fat Tuesday's - all the drinks are slushies. The Bailey's one tastes like a milkshake! ;)

[Nicola]

My dad is a recovered alcoholic, so drinking was (and still is) a major taboo in our family. And because of watching an alcoholic parent nearly destroy our family, I really didn't have any interest in the stuff. Today, I do enjoy a drink now and again, but always in moderation. I hate the feeling of "being drunk".

For Kellan, I'll fill him in on the details of alcoholism and the fact that, if it is genetic (I'm not convinced), it could run in his family. I will ask him to be careful and to use alcohol in moderation, as it is a drug and has some powerful physical effects. I will allow him to drink at home and will encourage that behaviour over the wild parties, drunk driving, and dangerous ways of the typical teenage boy. Here's hoping that I'm able to raise a sensible one!

[stellasmami]

I guess I'm the odd one out here. I would have never been caught dead drinking in front of my parents. Though, my father's family was very puritanical, and my mother was an alcoholic when I was a kid. Looking back she probably has an allergy as she would get totally wasted off like one or two beers. Anyway, I did drink after I was about 15 and did it excessively when the chance provided itself. Though, never in front of my parents, perhaps that led me to be sneaky and always be at other friends houses instead of my own, but there were other things going on as well that might have triggered that. My mother, quite luckily, stopped drinking after an epidsode when I was about 10 and told my dad about it...my father has 1 or two beers a day. And of his 3 daughters I am the only one who now joins him in his daily drink when I see him, damn, he is a bad influence, lol. But now that I'm in Europe there really isn't so much of a hang up about drinking and at least in my circles it seems that people here are WAY more moderate in their drinking habits and the drinking age for beer and wine is 16, liqour 18...and public transportation is used more often than personal cars so I'm sure this helps. Anyway, I think with my daughter I will not encourage it, but try to approach it in a natural way, like a glass of wine with holiday dinners when she's 15 or 16...I will also let her know that it is best to be honest and I will try not to judge her but help her work through situations that encourage over-indulgence, I'd like to think I'm modern, but I do not want to be the 'cool' mom who gets drunk with their kids, especially when their teens! But if she is going to have one to many, I'd rather it be at home where I can monitor her rather than with a group of young people who don't know what their doing.

[Helene]

18 was the legal age when I was in HS, so the issue wasn't as big a deal as it is now. However, like many parents of the time, my mom & dad never denied us the right to experiment - as long as it was within the safety of their supervision.

[amy]

By the time I was even at the age of being interested in drinking, my parents were like, "whatever, we're in our 50's...we've raised kids enough" Luckily I wasn't a wild child...I rarely drank at parties and I never got drunk. I think when isabelle gets to the age where she'll be curious...I'll be up front with her. If she is going to play sports or being involved in school activities, alcohol is a no go. I'll stress the importance of these activities over "having fun at a dangerous expense" but if she is going to, I want her to be able to tell me. Does that make sense?

[Joan]

Alcohol was never a big issue in our home. Drinking at home was OK so I think my brother and I weren't facing alot of temptation to experiment with friends. IMPORTANT NOTE concerning when to discuss with kids: In our town graduation from eighth grade is a big deal, so there are parties then. Recently, a THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD was SHOT and KILLED by a peer at a party where these kids were drinking. Kids these days don't wait until high school to party.

[Goldberry]

I was allowed to drink with my parents around and only at home. We could only have like 1 wine cooler. After my Dad remarried and we moved into the new big house, we couldn't be caught dead drinking. We were just hitting our independent teenage years, too, so I'm sure that didn't help.

[Sheri]

I was raised a lot like you were. I was the baby of the family, so I had plenty of people watching over me to make sure I didn't get out of control. I think that because we were aloud to have a drink, or because I knew that I could drink and call someone to pick me up, I was more responsible. I am now facing this issue with my teenagers. Our homecoming was a week ago and I knew a few of the older (18 year olds) kids would try to or suceed at drinking. I told my kids that I wasn't giving them permission to drink, but if they did, or if the friends that were driving were drinking, I would rather be called to pick them up no questions asked than get a call asking me to come down and identify a body!

[Alice H]

Allow it, heck, my parents ENCOURAGED it. I remember my dad practically forcing a sip of red wine down my throat at Christmas when I was 4 - I didn't like the smell of it, didn't want to taste it, but he insisted.

We'll probably allow our 3-year-old son to have a sip when he's old enough to understand that it's not something that is to be drunk to excess - he's already asked for a sip of wine since he didn't know what it was, and we turned him down. I use wine frequently in cooking, and my husband will usually have a glass if I have opened some to cook with (I don't have any because I'm pregnant), but it's going to be a few years before my son gets to have some. And there'll be some serious talks about how one should drink, and what to do if one has been drinking and is unable to drive home (we have a strict no driving even after one drink policy in our house).

My brother- and sister-in-law, on the other hand, have already given their baby their first tastes of wine, and she turned a year old last weekend. They say she prefers rosés.

[citymama]

My parents were exactly the same as yours, except that after the party my dad would drive the boys home from our house, as they weren't allowed to sleep over. He also took all the keys when they came in the door. Ah, the old days.