By Kelly
This week I’ve attempted to write two sentences in a row no less than 732 times. I remember this stage of parenting -- what I think of as The Hellish and Beautiful Toddler Years -- from the first time around. I just wish I’d learned some useful coping skills when I did all of this a long decade ago.
I got lulled into a false sense of security with my first child, Tyler, because reasoning and meaningful questions like, “Do you know how you feel all tight in your chest, and like slamming things around when you get interrupted too many times while you’re reading?” have been part of his lexicon for quite a while.
The same cannot be said for Lila, which is why I’m madly typing this on my ancient laptop in the truck, while Ty is at his Kidprov & Socratic Think Tank meeting, and Lila is catching a contorted but much-needed nap in her car seat.
At 27 months, Lila responds best to two- or three-word directives combined with distraction, the success of which generally involves getting up from whatever I’m working on and playing with her. I don’t really know how to play with children, so I’m not enjoying this now any more than I did the last time.
I get it that stirring air with a plastic spoon, and sipping air out of a plastic cup for an hour at a time, “Taste this, Mumma,” thrills my girl’s heart. I just have no idea how to do it joyfully each time, a constant repeat of words and action for so long, without my mind working over the day’s to-do list, or editing my current writing project in my head. I feel like I so seldom know how to be truly present with my children.
Some longed-for inspiration came my way when Jennifer Margulis sent me a copy of the anthology she edited. Jennifer and I are on a small e-mail list of writers, a support group of women spread out across the country.
Reading "Toddler: Real-Life Stories of Those Fickle, Irrational, Urgent, Tiny People We Love" in bed at night, a black T-shirt draped over the lamp shade to tone the light down, Lila’s sweaty feet pushed against my legs, her plump arm thrown across my chest, I feel like I have found a support group for People Who Parent Toddlers. They come straight to bed with me, and give me permission to wish I had more time for my creative life, and to think I can learn to embrace this difficult, but short phase.
Jennifer let me ask her some questions about writing and motherhood. I hope you find some inspiration in her responses. I know I did.
Kelly Ferry: Have you found any resources or tools that have helped you to balance writing and parenting?
Jennifer Margulis: I actually compiled "Toddler" because I was looking for a book like it and couldn't find one. My girls were 19 months apart and my toddler broke her leg when her sister was just a few weeks old. I had two children in diapers who couldn't walk, one who smelled like amniotic fluid. I was exhausted but hungry for help and I realized I wanted to hear other stories by women about parenting toddlers, but there was no book out there about that. The most helpful books for me, both for my parenting and my writing, have been books of real-life stories. I really enjoyed "Mothers Who Think" and "Operating Instructions" because neither book told me what to do or how to do it. They just shared, with honesty and poignancy, what other women were doing.
I think every woman carves out her own parenting and writing space and that configuration looks very different. My husband grew up with an alcoholic single mom who sent him to preschool when he was very small and I was raised mostly by nannies. Probably because of our painful childhoods, when we decided to have children we knew we wanted to raise them ourselves. My children almost always come first so finding time to write is always a juggling act. A fellow writer with three kids, who works from home, sent me an e-mail a few days ago, which read, "Isn't this whole concept of Balance just Bullshit?" I think it's something we are all looking for but it is the rare person who has truly found it.
KF: How much time per day do you spend writing? Revising?
JM: It depends. We are a very deadline-driven family as my husband is also a writer. Usually I drop my oldest daughter at school at 8:30, get home at about 9:00 and write, edit, and do work until noon or one o'clock. Then I take over with the kids and my husband spends the afternoon working. We reconvene at dinnertime. On Wednesdays I only work for about an hour as James and I (with our 4.5 year old Athena) take turns volunteering at Hesperus's school that day and the person not at school is home with the little one.
Although I do not write fast, I work very quickly and I tend to be very efficient. I have so little time that I cannot waste it. I keep wondering what I did with all that pre-kid time. I feel like if I knew then what I know now about how precious time is and how little of it I'd have for myself, I could have conquered the world, so to speak!
KF: Are your children aware of the prominent place they hold in your writing? If so, what do they tell you they feel about it?
JM: I like this question! They are very interested in my writing and Hesperus, who is six, always asks me what articles I'm working on. Then we talk about Capoeira or breastfeeding, or whatever is the subject of my latest research. I recently wrote a column about her called "A Six Year Old Gets a Little Silly" and I read it to her. She laughed so hard and made me read it to her three more times. A lot of her friends' parents read my column and comment to her on it. Strangers often stop me on the street, because they either recognize me from my photo in the paper, or recognize my children's names. At this age, my kids love reading and hearing about themselves.
KF: Do you read blogs? If so, how long do you spend reading blogs?
JM: Forgive me, but I don't usually have time to read blogs. I don't read a lot on the Internet, as I am still an old-fashioned book kind of a girl.
KF: You write a newspaper column, and there are more mom blogs popping up in newspapers than ever before. Have you considered a blog? If so, what factors might compel you to write one? What might inhibit you?
JM: I have not considered keeping a blog but I do want to get my column, "Tales From the Crib," syndicated. Perhaps starting a blog would help with this. The Internet, which I use and appreciate every day, can be such a time drain. I have so little time that I am a little wary of starting down that path.
KF: Is good writing for newspapers different from other forms of good writing? If so, how?
JM: My columns are in sound bytes of approximately 700 words. I think the word count really limits how much you can say. At the same time, I've been surprised at how much substance can go into such a short piece. It really forces you to stay on track and to make every word count.
KF: Talk about where your ideas come from, how you keep track of them, and whether any parts of your life are "off-limits" as writing topics.
JM: Other than the F word being edited out from one story about Athena's homebirth (in the story I scream at my husband, whom I've ordered not to call anyone for hours, to call the f*@#ing midwives,) the only off-limit topic is James. I actually write a lot about him but I have to clear it with him first. We live in a relatively small town (20,000 people live in Ashland) and I once wrote in a column that we met while he was wearing a black cocktail dress. He didn't appreciate all of Ashland learning about that. He doesn't really censor my column but I do have to read it to him -- and get it okayed by him -- IF it's about him, first.
Ideas? I always have ideas. I used to be an insomniac and spent hours up at night with ideas swarming in my head. Thankfully I'm a better sleeper now but I am still full of ideas. I usually have 3-4 columns in inventory at any given time because there is so much I want to write about (and I travel sometimes and don't want to be caught at the 11th hour without a column lined up). When we went to Europe this summer and the start of the trip was a disaster I wrote a funny column about it. Just knowing I would write about it helped me live through the hours of cleaning up vomit in France. My children are always doing quirky, interesting things that I write about. I observe people a lot -- with and without their children -- and those observations give me ideas. I have very strong political ideas and those often become part of my columns.
KF: What impact has your writing life had on your family life?
JM: This is an interesting question, too. I was reading a column aloud to the family and James said, "It's so nice that you are writing all of this down." Writing insures that we have a record of our lives and that we will remember many of the things that are so easily forgotten. We also keep journals; a family journal that we all write and draw in, and invite friends and relatives to make notes in. We also keep a journal for each of our three children.
KF: Do you find it is possible to have a writing life that is separate from the web of a busy family life?
JM: The three hours of work I do in the morning is separate from family life but not really. There are always interruptions. As I am often writing about my children, they are never really far away.
Kelly Ferry lives in Northeast Ohio with her husband, teen son, and toddler daughter. She writes when she can, thinks about writing when she can't, and knows more will be revealed.
