By Kris
“My brain is broken.”
“Your brain?”
“Yes, it shattered into a billion pieces, like crystal hitting concrete.”
“I know that feeling.”
“I can’t even complete a thought without getting interrupted. I always have at least three people vying for my attention. Between the baby and the boys, this house and its never-ending projects and clutter ...”
“I know.”
“Especially now, with this catnapping baby who wants to be held all the time ...”
“She’s still little. It’ll get better.”
“I know, it will. It’s just, day after day I accomplish nothing, and my to-do list grows. None of my old tricks work. I’ll get the baby to sleep, turn on "The Magic School Bus" for the boys. Perfect, right? Twenty minutes to do something! But, no. It lasts five minutes, max. Then they want a snack, or John starts screaming about something, the baby wakes up. Even if I do get 20 minutes, I can't concentrate to accomplish anything. I feel like a failure.”
“You’re not a failure.”
“It’s just so ... pathetic. ‘Poor me, I had kids and now I can’t function!’ Blah, blah, blah. I can’t stand myself.”
“Will you stop?”
“I know, I’m sorry. Seriously, though, other moms have more than three kids. They have four, five, seven kids. They homeschool!”
“These other mothers do?”
“Yes. They make Halloween costumes. They bake. They write brilliant blogs or books, even. Other mothers thrive in at least a few important ways, and I can’t even vacuum the damned rug.”
“It’ll get done ...”
“We eat sandwiches for dinner half the time. I look around and see the toilet growing scales, exploded Spaghettios fossilizing on my microwave, the cat struggling to unstick herself from the kitchen floor. We had an apple juice incident this morning.”
“Have you talked about it with Brian?”
“Brian? Oh, God, I called him at work this morning. What did I even say? Something like, ‘I can’t do this,’ and I think I promised him sex if he gets home before dinner.”
“Will he?”
“He said he’d try, which means no. That’s OK, I was bluffing about the sex anyway.”
“You’re not a failure.”
“I know.”
“You’re an amazing mom.”
“Stellar.”
“You’re having a bad week.”
“Next week, my brain will heal.”
“Maybe not next week.”
“What? What’s wrong, honey? Ugh, I have to run. John clocked Ben on the ear, and I hear the baby. Oh, look, Play-Doh all over the dining room ...”
“I feel like we should end this on a positive note.”
“How about you tell me I’m amazing again?”
“You’re amazing.”
“I know it. But thanks for reminding me.”
Kris is a thirtysomething stay-at-home mom who lives north of Boston with her family.
It took me nearly two months JUST to get to this post (Kris and I are on a list together), thanks to the fact that my new kid is only 3 months old (and must be held ALL the time). Kid #1 is nearly 3 and has AT BEST a 5 minute attention span. Can you say, Nursery School, please?? Hubby is trying to get late shift staff job, if he gets it, I'LL GO NUTS with longer days, if not, HE'LL go nuts with a pay cut.
Calgon take me (and all of us) away.
Posted by: gina b | January 04, 2006 at 04:17 PM
I think everyone feels the same way from time to time, no matter how many children they have. I have a running list of ways I am failing my children running through my head at all times. As well as all the things I *should* do.
I told my husband this afternoon on the phone that this mothering gig isn't all it is cracked up to be sometimes.
Posted by: chris | November 18, 2005 at 07:02 PM
Um, a mom's brain never "heals". Moms are unwitting brain donors. Our kids absorb our intelligence until THEY have kids, and then the cycle continues. Moms are also unwitting energy donors. The kids get more revved up as we get depleted. Unwitting donors I tell you. It's a conspiracy of some sort that I'd like to figure out, but I'm too brain-dead to do so.
~The Beast Mom
www.spaces.msn.com/members/beastmom
Posted by: Beast Mom | November 15, 2005 at 05:54 PM
Wow - I can't tell you the number of times I felt this way. Great post!
Posted by: Jules | November 15, 2005 at 02:58 PM
The not being able to finsh a thought thing is what gets me too. Hang in there, you're amazing. :)
Posted by: Katie | November 15, 2005 at 01:59 PM
Brilliant!
I relate to all of it, especially the husband part b/c I have been having the standard fight with him all weekend long. AHHHHH!
Posted by: Imperfect Mommy | November 15, 2005 at 01:57 PM
Man, I feel ya. Especially when you have a baby, three is hard. I don't know whether you're looking for suggestions, but the only thing that has worked for me is to work on one room for ten minutes. If I only get one ten minute session done a day, oh well. I get the kids in on it too. "For the next ten minutes we're going to clean Ben's room," or whatever. Hang in there, and remember, you're WONDER mom!
Posted by: Sheryl | November 15, 2005 at 12:53 PM
Wonderful post, Kris. We should set up a telephone tree so that every day, we each call one other mother to tell her she's doing a great job and offer a little bit of reassurance. Oh wait, isn't that why we blog in the first place?
Posted by: Danigirl | November 15, 2005 at 11:59 AM
So who gave you permission to tap my phone and listen in on my conversations (lamentations?)? I had this same conversation -- minus the baby part -- with my best college buddy recently. Sometimes it all feels overwhelming. But, on the bright side, you're still conversing in full sentences.
Posted by: Meredith | November 15, 2005 at 10:24 AM
I so relate to this conversation.
Posted by: Shelley | November 15, 2005 at 07:37 AM
Toughest job there is. Great post.
Posted by: amy h | November 15, 2005 at 01:22 AM