How much is too much?

By Amy M.

Like many people do at the start of a new year, I’ve recently assessed my “state of affairs.” Namely, the state of my home, and the mass amounts of clutter it contains. I’m usually pretty good about keeping things as neat and uncluttered as possible considering I have a 3-year-old (just don’t drop in unannounced!). But the Hanukkah and Christmas (we celebrate both) deluge of gifts has left me a bit overwhelmed with all the stuff that needs to find a permanent home, rather than scattered in front of the Christmas tree or still sitting in its box.

That’s right, there are many gifts unopened (unwrapped, but still in their boxes). Which brings me to the main point of this post. How do other parents avoid going overboard when buying gifts for their children -- especially if you have only one child? 

I love to shop for anything and everything, so I’m proud that I managed to refrain somewhat during this holiday season. But that was because I knew relatives and friends were buying gifts for Alex, too. I knew he would have a huge number of gifts under the tree at my in-laws’ house, and several gifts for each night of Hanukkah from my side of the family.

Months ago, I had asked my parents and my in-laws to please not buy Alex as many gifts as they did last year, and instead deposit some money in his college fund. My request was fueled by the desire to pad that college fund, minimize the clutter caused by toys he never plays with and teach him to appreciate all the toys he already has. They did not exactly listen, but they find so much joy in picking out presents for him that I just let it go.

I was pretty spoiled as a child when it came to material things, although I understood that other kids were not so lucky. My parents taught me compassion and the importance of helping those less fortunate, and set examples through their generosity and volunteerism. Brian and I are struggling to do the same with Alex. He helped us select several toys to give to Toys for Tots, and he observed my collection of items for needy families that my mothers’ group “adopted.”

It’s so hard not to be affected -- and influenced -- by the rampant materialism and consumerism in our society. I know I am, but at least I realize it. Right now Alex is too young to really understand there are kids out there who don’t have loads of toys and books and clothes like he does. I remind him, but he doesn’t “get it” yet.

So is it possible to spoil your child without making him “spoiled”? I can’t blame Alex for being demanding if I always give him everything his little heart desires. Where do other parents draw the line when it comes to buying non-necessities for their children?

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Comments

[Pam]

Asking the grandparents to contribute to the college fund may not be easy for everyone, but it can work. My husband and I started this practice the first Christmas of each daughter. On both sides, 50 percent of the money the grandparents budget for our kids' gifts is contributed to their college fund. Our girls are now 10 & 8 years old and they have come to anticipate this gift. This is also how birthdays are handled. Our parents get to have some fun with giving them "just for fun" gifts as well as support our desire to try and avoid over indulgence. As for ourselves, we do struggle with not going overboard, but have found that getting wish lists from both girls and setting a budget has helped. They both learned at an early age that they would not get everything on their wish list since we only purchased what would fit the budget and "Santa" did not bring everything. It's not perfect, but it is working for us.

[Susan]

Im so glad that you bring up this tough subject in your blog. I too struggle with overindulgence of my son. Sometimes I feel like Im justified because I got something on sale, other times its because I know he will really like it, but, more often than not its just spoiling him. I rotate toys my son has, so that its not all out there at once, overwhelming our house and him. He seems to appreciate the toys more when there are fewer of them and its nice for him to get "new" things every few months without me buying NEW toys.

[Donna]

Lately, I've had a difficult time buying any gifts (holiday or birthday) for the children we know (including my own) because all of them have so much. I've hinted to my daughter that it might be a nice thing to do some kind of charity thing for her birthday instead of all the presents, but I think she's too young to understand why that might be a good idea. Fortunately at 9-years-old, she's very happy with modest gifts like a box of crayons, so it was possible this time to keep the excess toned down a bit.

I like the idea of asking family to contribute to the college fund.

[Patti]

Kudos for bringing this topic to light! In a nutshell, yes, I think we can spoil our children without their acting like spoiled brats. When my first was an only, we too went overboard with her. I remember observing, though, that too much "stuff" completely overwhelmed her and her little preschool age friends. It was almost as though they had so many things that were supposed to entertain them, they didn't know where to start, and so they decided to skip everything all together and just play with each other and their imaginations. After a few years, my husband and I finally realized we were wasting our money. We were buying "things" to satisfy a need WE had, and not necessarily a need SHE had.

[Tina]

Meant to say "God help ME in the effort to avoid it" oops.

[Tina]

The over indulging of material things is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but think of it like this. You wouldn't give your child an entire one-pound bag of M&Ms, even though you could afford it and he wants it because it wouldn't be good for him. Well, neither are an overwhelming amount of toys on any given day. I bought Sean two books for Christmas, and then at the last minute gave in and bought the Little People's Farm, which I wrapped but set aside. After the on-slought of gifts, I quietly put it in the car and took it back yesterday. He was a happy little boy on Christmas without it and I'll be a happy mommy without it cluttering up my den. And as far as asking grandparents to give money -- that's no fun - for them or the kiddo! I'd say let them give the bulk of the gifts and you can put the money you would have spent on gift in his college fund (or let him do something charitable with it). I am committed in my belief that over indulgence and over rescue is the worst thing we can do "to" our kids. But God help in the effort to avoid it.