Preschooler wins gold, scores perfect 10 in extreme tantrum event

By Kris

Parents of tantrum throwers should unite to share war stories:

• “He cried for 6 hours straight!”
• “She screamed so loud my glasses cracked!”
• “He turned blue and passed out!”

John always had tantrums but now has extreme tantrums: vein-popping hollers, streaming tears, kicking and punching, lose-lose setups.

• “I don’t want this much juice!”
• “I’m not taking off my coat, I don’t like the shirt underneath it!”
• And a new one: “I can’t eat this grilled cheese, someone took a bite out of it!” Of course, he took a bite out of it, but I’m just a big liar when I remind him of that.

Things that spark extreme tantrums include having juice/not having juice, staying home/going to school, getting dressed/getting undressed, getting into the tub/getting out of the tub. Pretty much anything that involves being alive and on planet Earth.

He has his reasons:

• The new baby’s so cute and never does anything wrong.
• Mom’s always doing laundry or dishes, cooing at the baby or staring at her computer.
• He entered a new school after Christmas and now has to go four mornings instead of two.

He's crying out for attention, at least in part, and I’m all over that. But right now, nothing pleases this kid.

We had two awful incidents last week. First, I had to bathe John when Brian was working late. I had a fussy baby, a rambunctious 5-year-old and John, who fought so hard you'd think I’d filled the tub with battery acid.

I coaxed him into the bathroom (he had to pee), rhapsodized about the bubbles and bath toys, and managed to undress him without wrestling him to the ground. Then I snatched him up and plopped him into the water.

He settled right in and looked up at me with red, tear-stained cheeks.

“Thanks, Mama.”

What I heard: “Thanks for being my mom, Mom. And for not throttling me."

Then, during Friday’s morning rush, John didn’t want to eat his bagel. I didn’t want to give in. I’m all for choices, but come on, people. We’re talking about bread.

He screamed, he cried. I gave timeouts, I yelled. We hugged and regained our composure. Watching the clock tick toward 8:30, I relented.

“Oatmeal or cold cereal?”

“Grilled cheese.”

“Apple or orange?” He chose an orange, which I peeled, sectioned and presented in about 10 seconds.

“No, don’t PEEL IT! I wanted to stick my FINGER in it!”

Muttering obscenities about sticking fingers in places, I walked out of the room to catch my breath. When I came back, he had pitched the orange segments all over the table. I told him he’d have to stay home from school, and went to my desk to cry for a minute.

Back in the kitchen, Ben ate the rejected orange while John got another and ate about half of it. I declared breakfast over. His class would start in three minutes.

We got on our hats, coats and mittens. I put the baby in her car seat, and we stepped out the front door together. John thrust his rainbow-mittened hand into mine.

“Thanks, Mama,” he said again.

I smiled. How does this child manage to push and pull me, angering and beguiling in equal measure? And, now that he's mastered the tantrum, when will he move on to something else, like soccer?

I stroked his hand a bit as we walked, and thought about that.

How do you handle tantrums? Do you have any "war stories"?

Kris is a thirtysomething stay-at-home mom who lives north of Boston with her family.

Comments

[Janice]

I just came across this page and I had to say something. I thought I was alone! Just tonight, my 4 year old threw another tantrum. He had set up some of the boxes I bought for my upcoming move in the living room in such a fashion as to make a ramp. He then was throwing a nerf ball up it and watching it fly and hit the wall. Everything was fine and dandy until he suddenly decided it was too hard. He started flipping out. So I tried to explain to him that I cannot make the game any easier for him and if he didn't want to play then he should just stop playing. Only in a much nicer calm down kind of way. Let's just say it didn't work. After a little while of him crying and screaming and throwing the ball around, then then turns to throwing himself up against walls. He runs at them full force and rams into them. I was putting the baby to sleep and wasn't able to jump up and deal with it immediatly. So I got up and put the baby down in bed, came back and grabbed him. But he followed me around the house throwing himself into the walls. Then he complains that he is hurt. Sometimes, I don't know what to do when he starts flipping. It happens quite frequently lately. It's like a switch and he suddenly can't stop. Maybe, I am making up for when he was younger. Everyone talks about how 2 year old have tantrums. The terrible twos. He didn't start having his tantrums until he was about 3 1/2. Maybe even closer to 4. There are a lot of things he does during his tantrums and a lot of things that cause them. He does eventually calm down. And alot of the time as well as today, after I put the baby down, I picked him up and rocked him for a few minutes and got him to start breathing. He fell fast asleep.
I guess I just want to say it's nice to know I am not the only mommy dealing with these tantrums. And I wish I knew of some way to get them to stop. Or improve.

[Gina Cobb]

Continue to be easygoing with your kids about as many things as you can consistent with good parenting. From a little child's perspective, they have to do things all day long that they don't want to do -- just when they least want to do them. Giving kids choices builds their confidence and their joy.

[Brenda]

Oh my gosh...parent, please!! It is not okay for a child to call you names. Be the parent. Look back about 40 years. This did not happen. Values were not on what the child wanted or "HAD" to have. They were around family and needs. When people started trying to best buddies with their kids, some seem to have forgotten that they still had to parent. "Go figure" as a parting comment? Your child will forever act like that since you have no clue what to do to stop it. The behavior of a two year old should not continue until the child is 10. Parent, please. You aren't your child's best friend. They have friends. They need you to parent.

[Monster Mama]

I can relate to all of what you have written....it's amazing and refreshing to know that I am not the only one muttering swear words under my breath as I stomp out of a room. I saw these signs early on with Peyton-now I should state he isn't a tantrum thrower-but more of a refuser. He refuses to believe anything that isn't in his reality. As a baby he would stand by our counter pointing at the glass cabinets screaming "GREEN"-he wanted his green bottle (he NEVER had a green bottle) and as we would place our hand on each one and ask lovingly "this one? this one? this one?" he would finally nod his head yes-but the bottle wasn't green! I couldn't understand this. Now 5 years old his battles are armed with name calling "nitwit! pencilhead!" I am alarmed that my 5 yr old calls me names (and yes! he gets sent to his room). Later after our battles he tells me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for treating me the way he does, "It's just......." and he goes into a full story about why he treats me this way, usually ending it with the fact that he's trying to teach me a lesson. I know that this is a cry for attention, however with a 15 month old attached to my breast or climbing my furniture as if it's Mt. Saint Helen-I need to be focused on the matter at hand-the baby breaking her neck! Someday this will all pass, that is if I survive it!

[Erin]

Sounds like my husband's night tonight while I was out teaching my late afternoon class. On our most recent Podcast, the Manic Mommies tackle the topic of tantrums with resident parenting coach Kathy. You can download and listen to her advice (and our tales of woe) at manicmommies.com
Come visit soon!

[Maria]

Please forgive me for laughing - this sounds just like my 4 yr old on a bad day. Actually, I don't think he's that bad - but man that kid can really push my buttons. What's really funny is, this is my heart kid who has survived 3 open heart surgeries. I prayed for these days - but man, oh man, oh man

[Linda]

My daughter, now 11, turned two the day we arrived from across the country to visit my parents. Not only was she jet-lagged and in a strange place, but she was coming down with a cold. She threw her first-ever, rip-snorting tantrum at bedtime, with no door to muffle the yells, since we were sleeping in the basement TV room.

At the height of her anger, she grabbed her bottle from her dad and yelled: "Sophie pour warm milk all over Sophie!" while shaking it over her head. The line still cracks us up. My mother, on the other hand, was NOT amused. The next morning, she had cut out several pictures of pouting fashion models and layed them on the coffee table. "THIS is what Sophie will look like someday," she intoned. Then she advised "You'd better talk to your mother-in-law. This behavior must come from HIS side of the family. I never had such problems with you girls."

I of course felt like it was, somehow, MY fault. My mom's words still stuck in my throat when I visited the pediatrician that month. When he heard the story, he sighed: "How quickly they forget..." I could have kissed him.

Now it all seems to have happened to another family. My mom still doesn't feel comfortable with her grandkids, but our daughter's growing just fine. However, a bath or bedtime can still provoke 30 minutes of yelling before it occurs. Go figure.

[Kimberly]

Regan (22 months) recently had a day where the pressures of being a live human on planet earth were just too much to bear. It culminated in her rolling under the couch and then *lifting* this piece of (heavy) furniture off of the floor with the force of her kicks. While. I. was. sitting. on. it. She eventually wore herself out and fell asleep under there. And god help me, I let her.

[Cathy]

My baby is old enough for tantrums yet (though I know they're coming!). I saved a tip from a magazine that I'm going to try: tell your child s/he's not throwing a big enough tantrum - more tears, more yelling, etc. Supposedly the child will end up laughing and so will you :)

[Jamie]

The very best anti-tantrum trick in my arsenal comes from Haim Ginott via Faber & Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...): grant the wish in fantasy. Sometimes you can just re-state what they want -- "Oh, you wish you had more/less juice" -- or sometimes you can put it sympathetically ("I wish I had a blueberry bagel just for you"). Sometimes you can draw a picture of the kid wearing the requested pants that are in the washing machine, or write down that he really wishes he had a [whatever toy is causing the meltdown]. Sometimes I recycle it a few times with slightly different flavors, like in the bank yesterday when I didn't want to get lollipops and the transaction was taking some time.

You don't have to give in; you don't have to get dramatic. There's something almost magic in a sympathetic voice saying, "I hear you. It's frustrating when you can't get what you want."

LMK how it works if you try it. :-)

[Diana]

I'm still searching for a way to "handle" these tantrums my almost-15-month-old seems to like throwing. My best move is getting his stuff together and bolting out of wherever we are. He likes the car so he never screams once we're in there. And thankfully he hasn't had too many episodes in public- BUT! since they are usually thrown at home, I don't look to the car as a solution...I just pull my hair out and feel like a failure...
When you find the answer, or something that will help, let me know.

[chris]

my darling kev (now 22) threw some absolutely earth-shattering tantrums in his time. he was not yet 2, when on a visit to mc d's, a french fry fell off his highchair tray. the fact that he had an entire order in front of him didn't matter a bit- the frenzy and the volume continued to climb until i hoisted him out of the highchair, stuffed him under my arm, and stalked out the door. (my mom actually LAUGHED, the traitor.)
and then there was the time when he got mad because the sun shone in his sister's room FIRST in the morning ... good times!