Three is enough. I think.

By Kris

At some point in my twenties, I decided I wanted four kids. After we bought a house and started trying, I figured out the schedule in my head:

"If I have my first at 29, another at 31, and my third at 33, I can have a break before having my fourth at 36."

Tight, yes. But doable.

One car accident, a miscarriage and a few delayed conceptions later, here I am at age 36 with three kids. And I think I'm done.

I say that, but show me a photo of your family and without realizing it, I'll count your children and, if you have four, a little pang of jealousy hits me in the gut.

One would think I'd be glad to leave the uncertainties of baby making behind, the fears of miscarriage and birthing complications and SIDS. One might think I'd be glad not to subject my pelvic floor to further abuse (because, really, it's suffered enough).

But my kids bring me so much joy. More kids equals more joy, right?

The hard truth is, I think I've reached my limit. Meeting the needs of three children fills my days, and then some. Many days I miss every mark.

My fantasy life with kids? Cooking whole food, playing board games on a Tuesday afternoon, reading the extra bedtime story more often than not, and someday, maybe, even home schooling. All this while exercising, writing and having fun myself.

My problem is, I need calm. I fear losing my chance to have another baby, but I also fear pushing myself and my family too far by having a fourth. What if I miss out on enjoying them as kids because my life becomes so hectic? What if I become Monster Mom 24/7 rather than 24/3 (on a good week)?

I wonder why I want four. Am I greedy, trying to have the most I can? Is it because I myself was a fourth "oops" baby? Perhaps it's because four kids fit into a minivan, with room for a skinny friend. Or, maybe four children are imprinted on my heart, part of some divine plan.

I've envisioned four children for so long, it feels almost like this other baby already exists, waiting for me to do the work of having him. Deciding not to, when it's within my power to try, is surprisingly hard.

My sister-in-law pointed out that I did have four kids. "One just didn't make it."

My neighbor said to give away the baby stuff. "If you decide to have another, you can get new stuff.:

So, I'm giving things away as Ava outgrows them. I'm getting used to saying, "We're done," with a straight face. I'm working on accepting that I have enough, because I do. And then some.

Are you comfortable with the size of your family? Did you have the number of children you hoped or planned to have?

Kris is a thirtysomething stay-at-home mom who lives north of Boston with her family.

Comments

[Rachel Martel]

Hi there,
I am the mother of 3 children...My Eldest is 11 and has a Autism, my middle child is 8 and my youngest has just turned 3. Last month I was late for my period, and I kinda convinced myself I was pregant. To begin with, I was scared by the whole idea of having another, but as the weeks went by...I was sure I was pregant. It turns out I wasn't, I was just late by 2 weeks! I cried, as deep down I wanted another, I even found myself looking for baby names!!
I have spoken with my Husband, but he doesn't want another... we are both in our mid 30's, and he wants us to get our lives back again. Our children are in private education, and with the cost of living going up all the time...is scared that it would break us!

I so WANT ANOTHER.... :(

[allison]

Kris...got here through your comment on geronimo!...this is a great post. We also went through the 3,4,3,4,3,4 dilemma, and as I just turned 35, we are at 3, the youngest being 5. And we know we have realized our capacity. Or mine, at least. It's always good to know someone else feels a bit of what you feel. I still get that *pang* when any of my friends get pregnant, and especially when they give birth. There's nothing like it. P.S. I love it over here at dot Moms! I submitted something in November...we'll see...

[Sherry]

I am new to the site, and was reading everyones comment, and thought I would share my story.
Yes, you all read that right, mother of 7. All boys, I might add!!
I am 33 years old, and my husband is 27. Before meeting him, I knew I wanted babies. Not sure of how many but I knew I wanted that. After months of dating, we got engaged, and a few months later, we were pregnant. Had three babies, got married and then had four more. Being pregnant, is absolutely a blessing. The boys ages are 9, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2 and 14 months. It has been very fun and it getting more so every day. They are very active in sports, and the older three are on traveling teams, and we all go to their games, my husband even coaches two of their teams.
But anyway, I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression, that we are living off of the government or anything like that. Because that is far from the truth. Our finances arent bad. My husband works for family (his father), and I am a stay at home mom. Our children attend a private catholic school where they receive a wonderful education. I am currently enrolled in the local community college to get into the nursing program.
My husband and I never thought we would have seven children. We tried not to but believe me some things just happen. However, I did have a tubal done in Dec. 2004. Which I admit, I cried as they wheeled me back for surgery. But I knew it was the best thing for our family. Every time I got pregnant, it put my career on the back burner. And I know that these boys are going to get more and more expensive in the years to come, and I want to be able to provide them with the best life that I can.
So, in my opinion, I think that if one really wants more babies, then I would have more. People say that if one waits until they can afford a baby, that may never happen. So, why put it off any longer.

[Amanda]

I always wanted three children. I am the oldest of three. My husband wanted four. He was the youngest of four. I used to tell him, "Let's get to three and we will see."

At age 35 we have one. And we are lucky and blessed to have one. After years and years of infertility we would be happy to get one more in before my biological window is closed. My daughter is the love of my life. At five months old I can't begin to tell you where the time has gone and I can only dream about our future together. She is my dream come true and so much more. I get why people who hold new babies say, "I wish I could have one more." Despite the harried nights and the poop and the breastfeeding and the lack of sleep...you look at those angelic faces and you just want to do it all again.

I get your desire for one more. I pray we can.

[Diane]

I have put baby-making on hold after 2. Mine are only 15 months apart, maybe that's why. They are both very outgoing and active (both girls). I can't imagine having another child right now and being "outnumbered." I am not completely closed off to it, but I think I need to wait until my first is in kindergarten at least, which isn't for another 2 and a half years.

[Melessa]

I always thought I wanted a big family. I do have four kids (two planned, the other two-not so much). They are 8, 5, 3, and 19 mos. I love them all, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that I really struggle in a lot of ways on a daily basis. It's hard to make ends meet financially, to find space in the house or car, to keep up with laundry and dishes, to get a moment of peace and quiet. It's not the big happy bunch I pictured when I first started having children. I'm certainly glad to have them and grateful they are healthy, but sometimes I think I could have coped better with fewer of them-though I'm shocked my 'Mommy Guilt' is actually permitting me to admit this in a public forum.

[Amanda]

I haven't even cooked this second one all the way yet and I already want a third. I'm still hoping to convince my husband to go for one more, but he's deadset on two only. I know how you're feeling, though, that's for sure.

[Kelly DeCicco]

i'm going through the same dillema as i type. Our first is 3, almost four, and our second is just 3 months, i love my children,love being a mommy, and love that atleast for now i get to stay home with them, but what about that third. i'm one of three, i have a twin brother and a younger brother, i always thought three was a perfect number. My DH is an only child and when we started dating seriously he always said he'd like to have one or seven, both his parents came from very large families. now that we have two, he realizes that seven is not reasonable, unless we win the lottery soon, and we've decided that if we are going to have our third, we'd have to get pregnant again later this year because we don't want our children to be too far apart in age. i actually loved my last birth and would love another baby, but i can't imagine being pregnant again in a few months, and it would be a financial hurdle to add one more anytime soon. Maybe two is our perfect number, maybe we'll just leave it up to a Higher Power, i don't think i have it in me to say no to that last little dream i always imagined.

[Kim]

As the oldest of five I said I was never having kids. However, now that my son is here I can't imagine having said that. The memory of pregnancy and childbirth is still too fresh in my brain to say he is going to have siblings at some point in time but who knows what we'll decide down the road.

[ozma]

I have one now and am actually taking a break until I am...41. Aaaah! I know if someone reads this they will want to hit me because that (break-taking until 40s) is not allowed. Yet, it's not just a break, it's called a career, I'm supporting a family, at least now, etc. I.e., I'm just risking TOTALLY playing russian roulette here with that second baby.

My career has painted me into a corner but it is the only thing I know how to do.

My boss told me I should write a book before I have a second. I wanted to jump out the window.

I want 4.
3 will be pushing it.

I dream of adopting those embryos you hear about...or something...or whatever ethical or semi-ethical thing that gets you 4 kids and doesn't completely bankrupt you, thus draining the current one's college money. Or 3 (my compromise position). I'm not that picky about where they come from, exactly, but it would be nice to grow them myself, starting whenever is earliest.

I dream of starting a small business that becomes a multi-million dollar company and makes me so rich I can even adopt some more way later, like at 50.

I will be lucky to have two. I'm lucky now! But dang, I just want 4. (Oh, and I too came from a family of 4 but I was the oldest. Maybe that explains the fixation on 4.)

[Kay]

I could almost have written Susan's post. Except I only wanted three. I'm one of three, and I love having two siblings now as an adult. Actually I'd love more, but I know I am not cut out to look after more than 3 kids, nor could we afford it.

But, now I am pregnant with number 2, after a fair time trying and one miscarriage, and I'm not at all sure I'll want to go through this all again. In the first trimester I knew I wouldn't. Now I'm starting to feel better I think maybe I could, but... I'm torn. I really like the idea of three children, especially for the sake of the children. But I'm not sure I can still be the mother I want to be, or even the person I want to be, and look after three. Guess I'll have to wait and see how I cope with two!

[ben]

I'm sitting here with a wrenched feeling in my stomach (is that possible?) but not because I want four and only have three -- but because we had two, added another, and it's come close to destroying our marriage.

Sorry to be a downer, but it's hard for all the wrong reasons. I love my kids -- all three of them -- but this parenting gig ain't easy. Not one bit.

Thanks for your post

[Ohhmama!]

Totally agree sweetie!!! I will tell you the same as all of the others, I wanted four babies too, but I don't think that 4 is in my numbers. I have been thinking and talking about this a lot lately. I have decided that it's ok. There are so many positives to having less children, such as the more love you will be able to offer to those little sweeties that you do have, and more time to devote to each of them. It's a super hard decision. Regardless of what you decide you have to know it's ok for you, and not worry about what anyone else says!!! anyone!

[Jody]

We always thought we would only have one child. After trying for several years we had a miscarriage. Luckily, a few months later we were blessed with an adopted child. Then a few weeks after that, we found out we were pregnant. The babies are only eight months apart, now 17 mos and 9 mos. DH had a vasectomy 2 mos ago and I cried in the waiting room. It was a mutual decision, but the finality of it was hard. My worry is that some day when we're not so exhausted, we will regret our decision. However, two is better than one or, worse yet, none.

[Prudence Cooper]

I just stumbled across your site and I hope you don't mind me posting.

I have 3 children. I always knew I wanted 3. DH only ever wanted 2. (he is the oldest of 3, i am the oldest of 6) We waited 3 yrs before trying for #3 (it took that long to convince him). I don't regret having 3. I think if I would have stopped at 2 like DH wanted, I would have always regretted it, or wondered "what if". I am now the proud mommy of a 5 yr old boy, a 3 yr old boy and 5 month old girl.

[Sue]

We wanted four, and I had my first two roughly when planned, when I was 26 and 28. But then no more babies were conceived... we still don't know why. Never did get around to doing anything about finding out if something was wrong; after all, I had two healthy sons and in some ways four people in a family is a tidy number. Particularly as we've travelled a fair amount. I suppose I kept on hoping - a little bit - that I might get pregnant again but now I'm 45 and have pretty much given up hope. It's OK... I'm learning to move forward in life as my sons become adults, and to look forward to grandchildren instead!

[Karen Rani]

Oh yes! 2 kids was all I ever wanted. Hubby is SO snipped! When we only had one child, I know the feeling you speak of. Que Sera Sera!

[Tina]

36? That's young by my standards. I had my first (and probably only) baby at 44. He's two now and I would love to have another. Love to have another.

[Michelle]

My husband always wanted 4 kids, but I couldn't quite get my head around that number. Now, I have 2, and I'm getting ready to think about having a third. The idea of 4 completely overwhelms me, but then, so does 3. I'm going to take a wait-and-see approach.

[sraikh]

OMG I could have written your post. I have 3 now and wanted one more. My Dh is one of 4 as I am.
A few months back, I even went as far ahead to sabotage my birth control method, but AF came. I was dissappointed to say the least.
But now, I sort of feel the same way as you. One more infant would be pushing it. I have a 6 and 3 yr girls and then the baby boy is 15 months.I am running around doing stuff with the older two and the baby tags along.What would I do with another infant?
Sometimes, I tell DH that 4 is the perfect number. When eating out or travelling, there would always be one child(or parent)alone, if we have three.
He thinks I am insane.
I am still young and techinically could have another a few years later. but I think I am done..

[Joy]

I was sort of the same way - wanted 4 kids at the start. We were 4 kids in the family and it just seemed the right number, not too many, not too little. But now, with 3 kids, I think I'm done. I don't want to go thru another pregnancy. Just too difficult and makes me miserable. I echo your sentiments about fearing that the kids remember me as a monster mom. Have the same fear too! I definitely do not want to have more than I can handle and most days I think that 3 is waaaayyy more than what I can handle!

[Nicola]

What a wonderful post. Well thought out and poignant. I suppose that, as one of two, I always imagined two as the perfect family. Two was manageable, two was statistically the way to go. My husband, however, only wanted one and was adamant. And then there was the infertility, the difficult pregnancy, the equally difficult birth, and the reality of our new family. I realised immediately that we wouldn't have another. Now that Kellan is a toddler (two next month), I wouldn't want it any other way. We have a perfect compact family where there is just enough time, energy, and attention to go around. We both have careers which are important, but believe in raising our child at home which is manageable with only one. We travel frequently and often separately which I couldn't manage with multiple children. And, most importantly, we are all so incredibly happy, loved, and secure in our family as it is. We all belong. It feels right. As much as I'd originally wanted two, our perfect number turned out to be just one.

[Elizabeth]

We have two, and are officially done -- my husband had a vasectomy.

But this week I found myself trying to figure out when my last period was, and googling vasectomy failure rates. I've never had perfectly regular cycles, so the odds are very strong that it's nothing, but it surprised me that my initial response to the idea was so positive.

[Maria]

We agreed to 3, but after going through infertility for 2 and then serious, serious CHD w/my second son, we said would not do infertility for #3 but left it up to chance. Then space got tight and one weekend I made 5 trips to Goodwill. Yes, we made a baby about 2 or 3 weeks later and of course cannot imagine life without her. Now I think deep down in our heart of hearts, we'd like a 4th - but I started later than you - I had mine at 34, 36 and almost 39. I'm 40, I have a 2br house and can't afford to add on until I get 2 out of day care - And, altho I did finally get my easy baby - it took 3 tries. If I got one who didn't sleep the 1st 6 mos like my 1st 2 - I'd never make it. We agree - 4 would push us over the edge - even tho we both wish otherwise... So - we're done and I'm giving away things as we finish.

That said - there is still some small bit if disappointment every month when I get my period...

Good luck w/your decision. You know I did read once the only child regret is the one you don't have -

[Susan]

I always wanted four children. It just sounds like a nice and big and complete family. Well, my opinion has definitely changed. Pregnancy and early motherhood is tough, but, toddlerhoood has proved to be even tougher. And Im sure it doesn't get any easier as they get older. Now Im pregnancy and facing in the very near future the birth of my second child and Ive decided that two is enough. My husband would still love to have 4, but, its just not practical for me or our family.

Ive always dreamed of being the type of mother who has time for her children, to indulge them in family play and drive them to their afterschool activities, to have weekends open for their interests. I just dont think that I could give 4 children enough attention. I wouldnt have enough of it to go around.

I think sometimes people in our society have a way of going overboard with things. If one is good and two is better, well then 5 should be great right?! It might work that way with cars or homes or toys but children just dont work that way. Good for you for realizing and changing your life plan according to circumstance!