Envy and fear

By Margaret

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who has been divorced for a long time. Her father died recently, her mother died several months ago. Her children are grown and married and in good jobs somewhere.

My friend told me that, for the first time in 30 years, she didn't have anyone depending on her, wanting her to do something for them or expecting her to take care of them.

I had to stop and process that when she told me.

I thought about it for a minute and I've thought about it a lot since then.

I will readily admit it made me envious and maybe a little discontented.

I love my children and my husband.

I am in my house, alone, so infrequently that on those rare occasions I actually am there alone, I don't know what to do.

The only time I ever spent the night home by myself I was so freaked out, I had David call a locksmith to fix the lock on our bedroom door. I thought I'd feel more secure if I could lock myself in my bedroom.

Since David and I have been married, I can count the number of nights, and tell you the reasons, David and I have spent apart.

About the only "alone" time I have during the day is when I'm in my car driving to and from my office.

A recent weekend was pretty typical for us:

• Friday night basketball tournament
• Saturday morning meeting with a client
• Saturday afternoon basketball game
• Saturday afternoon Mass
• Saturday evening yet another basketball game
• Sunday we took the foster lab to Pet Smart to show him
• Sunday after Pet Smart we went to the open house of a school we're thinking about sending Jacob to next year
• Sunday after that the kids and and I went to Target while David put dinner together

Then we had dinner, baths, stories, kisses and bedtime.

So you see why the thought of not having anyone depending on me, or wanting something from me, or waiting for me to do anything for them for a moment seemed like a luxury I'd been denied. And then to imagine another 15 or 20 years of it! It seemed too much to bear. And I was envious.

And then, Jacob wanted to count all the W's in his bedtime stories.

And Lizzie lost her basketball game, and tried to be nonchalant about it, but when she smiled at me tears sprung into her eyes and she had to have a hug.

And David reached for my hand as we all left the Pet Smart with the foster lab and I was overcome with an unbearable sadness to think that it would all ever end.

And my envy evaporated.

Margaret is a fortysomething attorney with two adopted children (ages 3 and 11) that she is raising with her husband, a stay-at-home dad.

Comments

[karrie]

I have a slightly different take: I am a person who needs alone time to function. It was one of my biggest worries about becoming a parent, and while I love my son dearly, and cannot really wrap my head around the idea that there will come a day when I will not know every little thing he does, sees, eats, I still struggle with ways to steal time. Time to write. Time to think. Time to stare at a scar on my knee and try and remember how it got there.

I do miss my husband when he is away on the occasional trip, but admit I also have this big sense of relief--"Aaaaahhh. House to Myself Time."

It is interesting when you are able to step off your own everyday life and think about what your future may hold. Your friend's situation seems to have given you a new sense of appreciation for what you have now, and just maybe the beginnings of the courage you'll need when someday, some part(s) of it, inevitably will change. A visit from the voice that grabs you and shouts "Remember everything you can about this moment."

[April]

This is my first time here and what a wonderful post. I thought it was a nice reminder to enjoy the small moments of life.

[Brenda]

What a lovely post, Margaret! With a 19 month old and a 4 year old, I am rarely alone as well. And while I do savor my 'alone' time (when I can get it), I can't imagine my life without all the 'I need Mommy' moments.