The balance dream

by Mindy

Balance... people say I seem to have achieved it, and I supposed I have, considering how I've lived the last five years.

I put my oldest in day care until he was two and our second was born. I think that was right, because I needed to work, was only a half-mile away, and saw him all the time.

We only took him out when our second child became catastrophically ill at birth. We hired a nanny so that he could be kept close to home and away from other children. It was right, because we didn't want him to die. That one was easy.

When I got pregnant with our third nine months after our second was born, the wheels came off the cart. My boss was rapidly losing patience with my breeder ways. My husband refused to settle for just any job and stayed home for three years. I supported us for four. During that time he asked me for a divorce several times, told me he'd cheated over a four-year period in our marriage, and put me in a sling. He is also a nurturing, stellar father who adores his children, so there was a lot of agony in weighing decisions. Divorcing him was the hardest, most wrong-feeling thing I ever did, but it was the wisest and sanest. It was right.

My acid test is the same as Ann Landers' was: are you better off or worse off as a result of the decision? That seems oversimplified but, my God, it works when you apply it seriously. I sat in my office one day last year and thought, Huh, I'm in a lot of pain because my husband is an ass, I'm a stress-bucket because I'm working too hard and shouldering too much responsibility, I’m running a monumental sleep deficit because I had three children in four years, and I'm on the verge of a breakdown because I'm in danger of losing my job while injured and in the middle of a divorce. So, I decided to jump ship.

I can honestly say that any balance I have today is due to that jump, to the decision to distance myself from corrosive influences in my life, to focus on the things that will make my children feel safe and loved, and if at all possible, find some way to get some of that for myself. I thank God every day since I found my boyfriend. He gives me all of that and more, and I thought I could never feel safe again.

All this is a very roundabout way of saying that you have to create your own balance. No one will offer it. A former boss once said, "Of course you have to ask me for a raise! If you don't, who will?"

You have to do and give yourself what you need because no one, no one, can intuit it all and give it to you. The smartest thing my boyfriend ever said to me was right at the beginning: "I may not be able to make you happy all the time; that's not my job. You may not be able to make me happy all the time; that's not your job either. I'm hoping we can be happy enough together." My knees buckled. Finally, someone was absolving me of the responsibility for his happiness and encouraging me to be responsible for my own.

It is never too late to do for yourself. And, you already know what is right. But if you ever need affirmation, call me up and I'll tell you just how right you are.

Mindy is a divorced mother who lives in the Bay Area with her three children.

Comments

[Cathy]

I've read a lot of your writing but nothing has spoken to me quite like this post because I so strongly agree with you - I am lucky enough to have a husband who says similar things and makes me responsible for myself when I want to be absolved. I know it took tremendous courage to get to where you are today, so congrats and great job!

[Christine Louise Hohlbaum]

Okay -- I'm wiping away tears here. What a beautiful post, Mindy. Thank you for your honesty and your courage. Showing how vulnerable we all can be makes us stronger for the truth of it.

Warmest regards,
Christine

[erin]

I did the exact same thing alittle over a year ago. Now I have a wonderful Husband-to-Be, a step son and a baby. After I left my "old life" things happened pretty quickly, but it works for us. We are happy with our life just the way it is.

[The Beast Mom]

whew! that's a lot in the space of a few years. I'm glad you made it through. thanks for sharing your story.
-bm

[amy h.]

Wow! Powerful post. Thanks.