My mind is blank. All the pre-pregnancy gray, spongy matter that used to fire off neurons or synapses is now old and dirty, unable to absorb anything. So, here's what I expect of my pregnant brain (and yours).
1. For the coming months, your brain is only open for simple tasks like judging how many Cheerios to put in a bowl so it doesn't overflow. You may be able to predict who will be in the bottom two of "American Idol" this week, but don't even think about trying to follow a disjointed half-coma/half-dream state episode on "The Sopranos."
2. Don't attempt to perform any complicated mathematics -- you know really hard things like doubling a recipe's ingredients. Because you will surely double some things and not others and forget which ones you have doubled and end up throwing the end result away as you utter expletives through the whole process. Nobody likes a pregnant woman with a gutter mouth.
3. Stick to light and easy reading like your 4-year-old's leftover board books. You would be surprised how much entertainment value you can get from "Pat the Bunny." Oooh. Soft and furry. Oooh. Scratchy. That one gets me every time.
4. Don't attempt to choose this time to understand the politics of the Middle East. While you may have some extra time on your hands, it is simply inadvisable and will most assuredly give you a headache that puts you to bed. Same goes for Sudoko or the Sunday New York Times Crossword. I have found the children's games on the back of the kids' menus at the big box eateries to be the best way to challenge a pregnant brain.
5. If you find yourself in a room of your house with no clue why you are there, don't panic. Just leave. You will never remember why you went there in the first place, so give it up. An hour later when your daughter yells that she is ready to get out of the tub because it is cold, you'll remember.
6. Forgo all activities for your other children. They are simply too complicated. How is one supposed to remember that it is "bring a stuffed animal day" to gymnastics and "wear your beach clothes" at preschool? Alternatively, if you don't care what the other parents think of you, take your children to the activities in their normal clothes with no props and ignore the tears. Seriously, the parents and teachers would never talk about you behind your back.
7. Pudding is the new steak. Brain food has nothing to do with nutrient value anymore. Stick to foods that are soft, comforting, and don't require effort to swallow. And definitely avoid anything crunchy. All that noise inside your head will start to get on your nerves.
8. Don't worry that you have no idea what the date is or what day of the week it is. That is your body protecting you from realizing either A) how much longer you have to go without a glass of wine or B) how soon you are going to have to expel a human being from your body. Some things are better left unknown.
And with that, I think I need to lie down.
Kristin is married to her high school sweetheart and the mother of one daughter, Madeline.