More Jekyll than Hyde

By Amy M.

My sweet, precious, perfect little boy has been acting, well, less than perfect. His demands and his defiance have reached an all-time high.

"No, I'm not going to sit at the table for dinner. The couch is the only place I'm going to sit," he declares in a sing-song voice.

Threats of no dinner or no more videos don't cause him to back down. He takes matters into his own hands, strolling over to the DVD player and popping in one of his favorites.

While I'm seething, he settles on the couch and then asks sweetly, "Mommy, where's my dinner?"

I admit that I sometimes end up letting him eat his dinner on the couch. He probably wouldn't care that much about skipping dinner, but because he has never been a good eater, I would never make him go without a meal as punishment.

He has been having more frequent "time-outs" in his room. I don't think they're working. It's not like his room is a bare cell; it's filled to the brim with toys and books and even a TV (although, fortunately, he has never thought to turn it on during one of his time-outs). Sometimes, a few minutes into the time-out, we'll even hear him chattering and singing to himself in his room. Yeah, some punishment.

One of his most frustrating -- and at the same time, amusing -- habits is saying, "NO, this is the deal," followed by him stating his own plans, which are obviously different from ours. It's hard not to laugh when you realize your 3-year-old is unknowingly mimicking you.

We try to be patient and maintain our sense of humor. It's hard to get really angry with a kid who says things like, "Mommy, you smell good, but I'm not going to eat you." Or who wakes you up in the morning by wrapping his arms around your neck and saying, "I love you."

So we'll get through this. We're certainly not the first to deal with a tyrannical 3-year-old who has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Let's just hope the Jekyll side of him starts to show through more often.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Comments

[Nicole]

I agree completely with J- a naughty child is normal. Doing nothing about it, since it is normal stage, is irresponsible. I always think that being a little kid is like going to a new office for the first day of work. You don't know how to act, what is allowed, and its super stressful. You are dying for someone to take you under their wing and explain what is allowed and what isn't. Imagine every day being the first day- I would laying on the floor throwing a tantrum as well. I think that good parents accept the fact that they will have to do hard things like punish their child and make the child angry/sad. That is why it is such a hard job.

[Kelly]

Sorry, you lost me at "...and even a TV". Wow.

[HLH]

It is funny when they start saying things that they have heard from you. My 3 year old told another adult that he was going to count to ten and then they were going to do what he wanted!

We found that time out in the bedroom wasn't really time out either, so we switched it to having to sit in the bathtub ( no water of course) and that has been MUCH more effective.

[shaz]

My son recently told me that I was giving him stress...

We really have to work on his communications skills...I can't even imagine where he could be picking up these words!

I am super happy that I'm not the only mom giving my kid stress...Keep up the good work ladies!

My newborn, toddler, and preschooler are all asleep right now...so I catch up on my mail, reading, blogs, and then have chocolate pudding and watch soaps...until I hear one of them screaming...

My Adventures...

[Wicked Stepmom]

OMG, you have MY son. It's a relief to know this is a normal phase that he will (hopefully) grow out of.

Like clickmom, I give advanced warning to help The Boy transition from one activity to another.

We do timeouts, but not in his room. It used to be on a chair in a "naughty corner" (a-la The SuperNanny) but is now on his bedrooms steps. Timeouts never last more than 3 minutes (one for every minute of age) and are typically reserved for extreme cases, like a violent temper tantrum (usually MINE!). ;)

[clickmom]

When my kids were 3 I found that if I told them what would happen (At 5 o'clock we are going to turn off the tv and sit down to dinner. Do you understand?) and then give them a warning (In 3 minutes it will be 5 o'clock, and then the tv goes off cause it is time for dinner) that they were much more compliant. Also, I am flexible, if they really want to watch tv during dinner, I will do it, but I always let them know that it is a special treat that I can dole out when and if I choose.

You have to pick your battles, and my big thing is safety. If it isn't safety related (like holding hands in parking lots) then I like to teach the lesson of being flexible, cause they are going to have to flexible for me too.

And, I don't believe in punishment. I don't do time outs, or g-d forbid hitting. My kids have a true sense of right and wrong and when they have crossed that line and I call them on it they have to have the discussion. Noone wants to have the discussion. It works for mine, and they are great kids.

Good luck, they get much more reasonable after 3.

[Goldberry]

my three year old daughter is the same way, so I know where you are coming from. It makes me question what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. From what I understand, though, this is nothing compared to teenagers. :)

[J]

Not to come across as if I have all the answers, but discipline (discipline and punishement being different things) is one of the most important things a child can learn - a child who has been taught discipline at home is able to discipline themselves as a teenager and adult. When children are allowed to do whatever they want without fearing consequences they learn that there aren't consequences for bad behaviour, and as a result will not understand or agree with consequences when they grow up.

There is an expression that says "If you don't teach your child discipline, the world will, and the world won't do it with love."

If your son is being blatantly disobedient to an authority figure, he needs to learn that there are unpleasant consequences, and that is where the challenge of being a good parent comes in.

Maybe timeouts should be in a place the child doesn't enjoy being - on a chair in a corner, in the bathroom (make sure there is nothing that can cause harm to a 3 year old), anywhere moderately unpleasant. Or find another way to punish him - be creative, this solution will differ from child to child. Be careful, though, that the descipline is meaningful. Many people shrink from more physical forms of punishment (smacking, hiding, spanking, whatever it's called in your country) for fear of causing trauma and psychological harm. I don't subscribe to that belief, but I don't believe that physical punishments are all that efective - pain is fleeting and quickly over, and serves little purpose in teaching long-term principles of sf control. Likewise, certain forms of punishment will not work for YOUR child. I have a niece who feels being forced to sit still in a corner is the worst punishment on earth, and another niece who regularly its quietly by herself reflecting.

Ultimately, how you choose to punish your child is not that important (as long as you do it with love - the big difference beteen punishment and abuse is the state of mind of the person inflicting the punishment or abuse) as the fact that you are teaching your child the importance of respecting those in authority in an environment where they are free to learn which boundries can be pushed, and which can't.

Children who are taught that there are consequences for actions grow into adults able to exercise self discipline are usually healthier, happier, more productive and more loving that children who were brought up with little or no discipline, or children who were never allowed to be childrem.

[Liz]

Glad to know I'm not the only one with a tyrannical 3 year old! I didn't know someone so small could be so bossy. Where did he come from, I wonder?