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May 04, 2006

Comments

Susan

Sometimes I remember who we were so long ago when my children were just wish and hopes for a beautiful dream family, the man who is their father and I. I realize now that he still is the same man he always was, I just saw & believed he was so much more. Maybe this is because I so wanted him to be. I have accepted that he still is a great guy in many ways, sometimes I have to search for those ways. I would never have loved him and created children with him if there was not sometime good I found with him. Yet the best of that love lives in my three children. they are the best gifts of my life with their dad. Do I love their father, not the way I once did? Maybe that love was through a rose covered glass. So many feelings and the years have affected my thoughts about their dad but their father will always have a special place in my heart. When I see the moments when aspects of their dad show in my child's face and movements or in ways they act and behave, I try to remember to take a deep breath.

Kvetch

Before divorce even entered my thought process, I did not understand how someone could not love the parent of his or her own children. Then divorce and all of its ramifications entered my life - and I knew - that loving my children had nothing to do with the feelings for their father. When they look like him, or act like him, I only hope they got the best of him - which is what I believe I knew for a while. I also have a strong belief that my kids should have positive feelings about their dad - so that when they do something I don't like that reminds me of him - if it's funny - I tell them I didn't like it when he did it either - or if it's not - I quiety try to shape the behavior without letting them know why. My kids were 10 and 7 at the time of divorce, and now, at 14 and 11, they have also traversed the death of their dad, my ex. And no, the fact that he died doesn't erase the fact that he was a horrible husband, but it does make me sensitive to keeping a positive memory alive.

daniele

Great post. Focus on the positive. The things you loved in your ex are part of the things you love in your children. There are no black and whites and we all need to learn to live with that.

Kris

Great post, Laurie. So many things I like about it. Welcome to DotMoms!

PS Can we be friends? I live in the next town over from you. :)

Ellen

Tomorrow would have been my 27th wedding anniversary with my ex ... and after 8 years of being divorced, I can tell you that it DOES get easier. I can now laugh about how much my daughter looks like my ex in the face, though she has my hair, and how sometimes what the kids say or do or how they move reminds me of my ex ... now it isn't as painful. I can say thanks to my ex for providing them with his genes that blended with mine for these two wonderful children! And be mostly grateful, sometimes amused, occasionally moved and saddened. But it's ok now. When people say, "He looks just like his dad!" I can say thanks, he IS handsome. And mean it. So like everything else in the awfulness of divorce, time will help. Promise! And good for you writing about it.

sugaredharpy

Thank you for this great post. My older son looks just like his dad (my ex) and it's hard sometimes to remember NOT to react to a similar look or a similar action. I have to remember that Daniel's reactions and motives are so not the same as his dad.

erica

wow. good, powerful questions...and very happy to see you're writing...

Patti

Awesome post.

amy h.

What an honest, reflective post. I think you speak for many, many women and they will find comfort in reading the words you bravely wrote...and knowing they are not alone. Very eloquent. Very honest.

Good job.

Amy

Thank you thank you thank you for writing this.

As a divorced woman who has a beautiful 2 year old, I think this a lot. Isabelle is a lot like her dad. She has to have things in particular order...she puts her left foot shoe on before the right foot....she even says things like he used to. I do not regret for a moment having her with my ex husband...and even though I dont love him anymore....I do love my daughter...for all of her personality traits.....a great deal.

Thank you.....again

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