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May 11, 2006

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Divorces


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Rachel

Anjali - This is a beautiful post. As upset with my husband as I may get sometimes, I know, we both know, that we're in this for the long haul. And that's enough for us. We have grown up together, and have learned how to communicate and argue really well. I think that makes a huge difference.
Thanks for posting about this article on your blog!

politically incorrect mom

Great post! And I don't think it's just luck either. Unless you consider it lucky that two people are both willing to sacrifice, both willing to ignore their pride and ego sometimes and are both committed to doing whatever's necessary to ride out the difficult times and work toward better times.

Well, I guess that is lucky in a sense! I know I'm grateful to have a husband who's on the same page in terms of what's important over the long haul. But yes, that old saying that kids "bless" a marriage... while that's true in some ways, I'd say "try" a marriage is more accurate!

Trina Harnden

Your story has left me in tears. I married when I was just 18, struggled for 5 years then came the joy of my life that I struggled for 4 days to bring into this world, 3 years later came my second. But my marriage was in trouble from the begining. I knew that, but could not accept it. Years later 14 to be exact I ended it, for all purposes sake that's what was said. But in reality it has never ended and no matter what anyone says how could it? When you look into their eyes, and you see the questions, then you hear them, there is never a end. It is really sad to me even today. Because I couldn't live with him my children had to suffer.

Elaine

I think that probably the most important thing in a marriage is learning how to fight constructively -- in ways that your partner responds to rather than just shutting down. I know that there are certain approaches I MUST NOT take if I hope to be heard, certain things I MUST NOT say. And how did I gain that knowledge?

By fighting. And learning and remembering.

I love him each day more than I did yesterday, and that's because we have learned how to ebb and flow with each other. That's not luck; that's growth.

mindy

The other night as my ex left to go home, the children cried and my four-year-old begged for him to live here again. Then she went straight to the hall shelf and picked up a photo of us, happy parents with our first baby about to turn one. She sobbed and sobbed.

Your post touched me in a dozen places all at once. I just held my daughter, and now realize that that was all I needed to do. DO NOT SAY.

With shifting perspective, my children gathered in bed this morning to look at the photo again and talk about how little he was and how cute and where they might have been at the time, waiting in my tummy, perhaps...

Amy

This entry brought tears to my eyes. My husband and I got married when we were 22 years old. 9 years later, we struggle! And having kids made the struggle almost unbearable. But for some reason, we are certain we're supposed to be together, and here we are, together. Struggling. :) Thank you for the touching post.

landismom

It's not just luck in the years of the marriage, but luck in the years that led up to the finding of my spouse, that makes me count my blessings every day. But at the same time, both my husband and I have divorced parents, and we know that it's not easy to keep a marriage together, over the long haul. Good post.

SassyK

Marriage is a LOT of work. It's not always the blissful, romantic, passionate atmosphere that is so often portrayed in television and movies. I remember when we first got married (9 1/2 years ago)there was one night we got into an argument and I thought surely he would come toward me at anytime with his hair blowing in the wind (from the fan) and wisk me up in his arms and tell me how much he loved me and didn't mean to hurt me... because that's how it was on the soap operas! Instead we didn't speak to each other for hours and then it just wasn't important anymore. I learned a lesson that day.... a marriage is only as good as you make it and it takes 2 in order to work.

We have had a rough time as of late after my husband was diagnosed Bipolar. Not to mention all the stress of adopting our son who is now 4 months old. During the first couple months of having our son, I wondered what in the world was wrong with my husband.... he didn't feed him, refused to change diapers, wouldn't get up during the night with him without getting mad (which I couldn't let happen... the baby just wanted to eat!!!) and yet anytime we went anywhere he was all to eager to show off our son.
Things have gotten much better for us but it doesn't always work out that way. I've vowed to spend the rest of my life with this person and absolutely plan on doing just that!..... and our son just loves his Daddy!!!

Jody

A wonderful article! Thanks

Kit

Anjali-
I completely agree but think you don't take enough credit for your "luck." At the moment when you hate your spouse and venom tips your tongue, the words that you DO NOT say are as important (if not more) as the ones you do. It's easier to love again tomorrow without painful words still ringing in your ears.
Meredith

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