The road to independence

By Kelly

It took most of the day to dump the adrenaline back out of my body and to lift the weight of anxiety and fear I felt crushing my heart.

After a half hour in the late morning, Lila became bored with cleaning out the perennial bed, and walked across the front yard of our new home, towards the neighbor’s house. I tried to call her back, “Sweets, it’s time to plant the flower seeds.” I held out the packet of Forget-Me-Nots to her, “Will you help me sprinkle them?”

She continued to edge away from me. “I’m not coming.”

“Lila, we’re staying in our yard. Please turn around.” I said a bit more firmly.

“NO!” She marched off, but angled away from the neighbors’ house that sits close to the street, next to our very long driveway, and pointed herself towards the road instead. I threw down my claw tool and started towards her, calling, “Lila Grace, you need to stop now!”

She kicked it into high gear and sprinted for the road, laughing and looking back over her shoulder. I yelled “Stop!” as I started running, and my sandals slid out from under my feet, throwing me off balance. She kept running. I tossed off the shoes and ran as fast as I possibly could, yelling “Stop!” over and over again, with increasing panic.

I could hear a car coming up the street, a loud motor, moving fast. She was just about to the sidewalk and the sound that came out of me next was so primal I scared myself half to death, and she hit the sidewalk and turned right, then screeched to a halt as the car hurtled past three feet from her small body.

I reached her a second later, though it felt like minutes, and knelt down on the sidewalk in front of her, holding her shoulders too tight, wanting to crush her body into mine in a giant hug, but afraid that if I did that first, I would never get it through to her to not run from me. My whole body shook and I felt like I might throw up right there on her feet. She stared at me, stricken. “I walk on the sidewalk, Mommy.” My voice had shocked her into stopping, and she didn’t know what I was so upset about.

People came out of their houses to see what all of the yelling was about, and I picked her up and carried her back to our front porch. She continued making a plea for taking a walk on the sidewalk, and I understood that she wasn’t trying to run into the road, at least not on purpose. I sat her down on the porch swing, still shaking. My body felt like ice ran in my veins, and a cocktail of fear and anger swirled through my blood. I told her we were having a time out for a few minutes because she ran away from me and didn’t stop when I asked her to. I told her how afraid I felt when she ran, and how dangerous it is for her to go to the road without Mommy, or Daddy, or Tyler.

I don’t think I got through to her at all. I don’t think her 3-year-old brain is capable of picturing the terrible things that could happen. Unfortunately my 39-year-old brain is incapable of stopping those pictures from playing on an endless repeating loop. It’s all I dreamed about when I finally did fall asleep, and even as I sit here writing this, I want to sit her in a chair and drill the rules into her one more time, just to be sure.

Kelly Ferry lives in Northeast Ohio with her husband, teen son, and toddler daughter. She writes when she can, thinks about writing when she can't, and knows more will be revealed.

Comments

[Robin P]

If kids only knew what they put their parents through!
My heart was racing just reading this.
I'm glad she's safe. You can show her this post when she is older and maybe she'll get it then.
I know they don't do these things on purpose to try to kill us,but sometimes it seems that way.

[Angela]

I can just imagine the horror! My twins did a version of this when they were a bit younger. One ran off towards a road, and the other ran in the opposite direction toward a yard of pit pulls with an extremely low fence. It probably sounds like I'm making that up! Fortunately we do not have heavy traffic here, and I forget which one I ran after. But that whole scene is not one of those memories I like to remember.

[Lorraine]

I have tears streaming down my face after reading this... this too is my nightmare. In my community recently, a woman was walking through a residential neighbourhood one morning with her 4 year old son. He raced into the street just as a speeding van turned the corner. The boy died at the scene in his mother's arms.
It makes you want to hold them tight and never let them go.

[kelly]

Yeah, my arm hair is still standing up, too. I wonder if it will ever go down.

Thanks, Amy.

[Amy]

Wow. My arm hair is still sticking up straight after reading this. It's amazing how before you become a parent, it's hard to imagine this...but the second you place your own child in that position...wow.

Great writing!