Making new friends

By Margaret

I made a new friend six or eight months ago.

I hadn't made a new friend, on my own, in awhile.

And when I say "on my own" I mean it wasn't:

- someone I worked with
- someone I worked for
- the wife or girlfriend of someone I worked with or for
- the parent of one of the children's friends
- the wife or girlfriend of one of the husband's friends or co-workers.

And I don't mean to diminish those friendships. Because I value them. But when there is already a relationship of some kind there, then the way has been paved for you, to a certain extent, to be friends. It's been made easier.

I made this friend on my own. I talked to her; we agreed this would be a great job if we didn't have to deal with clients, opposing counsel, judges or the trustees. I gave her my number and she (being much more organized than I - or more obsessive compulsive - it's a toss up) gave me her business card. I sent her email and invited her to lunch. We had lunch. I invited her to my book club. She invited me to go cook with her.

We just clicked.

Now we talk on the phone almost every day. When she was unavailable for a few days like when she had surgery and was drugged to the gills with pain killers, I worried about and missed her. Now, things happen, or someone will say something to me, and I think, "I need to call and tell her!"

I remember being a kid. Arriving at some place. A camp. A class. An event. Everyone seemed to have someone to sit with. Someonee to talk to. Somewhere that they seemed to belong.

It was hard. I found it hard to fit in. I found it hard to belong. Hard to figure relationships out and find the right distance and space with people. I always thought, when I was grown up, that it would be different. That arriving at a place. A class. An event. A meeting. That it wouldn't be hard. That I would always know what to wear and how to act and what the right things were.

But you know what? It's still hard. I still wonder about where to sit, what to say, how to behave.

But I keep trying. I keep trying because while sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes the schedules don't work. Sometimes the interests just aren't there. Sometimes the lifestyles are just too different. Sometimes it works. And it's nice to have someone to miss, and who misses you when you aren't there.

Margaret is a forty-something attorney with two adopted children (ages 4 and 12) that she is raising with her husband, a stay-at-home dad.

Comments

[Shelley]

I so remember how hard it was to fit in. And how hard it STILL is. Thanks for writing -- it is nice to know I'm not alone in that.

[Robin P]

I have made quite a few friends through Lillianna which I always find amusing. I never thought about that before I became a mom.

The relationship you are describing is just like the one I have with my best friend,Liane. She's definitely not a new friend. We met in 7th grade....30 years ago.

It is such a great feeling to have someone you always want to share things with and who understands what you are saying before the words are even out of your mouth. Even though Liane lives far away,we still keep in touch through phone calls and emails and I feel like she is a part of me.
You are lucky to have found such a great friend.

As for feeling comfortable in certain situations...that never seems to change. I still think,"Do I look out of place? Can I find a friend in this crowd?" This is what I think as I enter Lillianna's school for a performance or meeting.

Luckily,since I am friends with the mothers of her friends,someone usually flags me down to sit with them. Thank goodness for my mommy friends!

[Maria P.]

You could have called this "Making New Friends, Maria". I can completely relate to everything you are saying. It isn't as easy for me to "click" with people, however when I do it, it is totally worth it. Knowing that there is someone else out there who keeps trying too... makes me feel better. Thank you for posting this.

[daysgoby]

This was lovely. And brought back many memories. I think I need to work on making new friends - and also work on the friends I already have, to make sure they aren't hanging out trying to figure out how to act.

[amy h.]

I agree with Antique Mommy...very nice. I have to struggle against the introverted, self-conscious side of me that feels insecure about saying "Hi" to a new potential friend. But once I make that friend, watch out...I start talking and you can hardly stop me. I agree that it's usually worth taking the risk. Thanks.

[Antique Mommy]

So true. No easier now than when I was in the 4th grade. A very insightful post.