Hello, my name is Max. (Hi Max!) And I am the first child on the face of the planet who prefers the bottle over the breast. You see, I was born back in September and the breasts? Oh yeah, I liked them. For the first several weeks, they were pretty great. But then, something happened. Maybe I started to really grow and got really hungry. Maybe Mommy's milk started flowing too fast. Maybe something in her diet started to bother me. Whatever it is, I am not so thrilled with those breasts any more.
I like to nurse for about five minutes. Just until Mommy thinks, "Hey, this is going well." Then I usually get a big burp. After we deal with that, I have two other little burps, and on the third? Well, I always spit up on the third burp. Just a little bit. But at that point, I usually like to begin howling. Sometimes I just become disinterested and start to smile or look around. Or sometimes to mix it up a little, I just fall asleep. When I wake, I completely forget I was on the breast and scream as if I have no clue where I am or what I'm doing there.
But, I never, and I repeat never, get back on the breast after those first five minutes. Until Mommy changes position or forces me. We usually walk around a little bit and then switch rooms or chairs or whatever she thinks might actually help (and sometimes I throw her a bone and actually nurse then, just so she gets this glimmer of hope that she might have found a solution.) She actually moved a green La-Z-Boy from the basement into her bedroom because I nursed well in that for a few days. Of course, now I pretty much refuse it completely.
I generally require total quiet to have a good nursing session. So that 4-year-old girl who kisses me and says "Hi Buddy!" all day long? Well, you need to keep her quiet. Good luck with that.
Sometimes I am so upset I need my pacifier. I suck like mad on that and sometimes I let Mommy pull the bait and switch; as she pulls out the pacifier, I take the breast and nurse for a few minutes. But then I just squirm and bob on and off. You know, to sort of drive her crazy. We are usually about 20 minutes into the feeding by this point and I have usually nursed about three minutes total.
Sometimes she rubs my gums because they are starting to really hurt. I like that a lot. After that, I will sometimes nurse for a few minutes.
The key is to get about 15 minutes of good feeding, and then I will nurse for a solid 45 minutes.
But I like to make Mommy jump through lots of hoops to get there. She has found that feeding me before I get ravenous helps sometimes, that feeding me when I am rested helps sometimes, and that different positions help sometimes. Gas drops helped for a while. Feeding me standing up in front of our loud fan helps, but I suspect that isn't too comfortable for Mommy (you should have seen the positions she had to nurse me in when she had Mastitis... now that was comedy).
I like to nurse lying down sometimes, but please don't start me there. I have to move into that position after about 10 or 15 minutes of nursing (which takes about 45 minutes to accomplish). That's when I am ready to relax. And I suspect by that point, Mommy is ready for a nap too.
Nothing is a cure-all. She has gone off dairy, eggs, nuts, and now wheat, thinking that I might have food allergies like my sister (who, by the way, never had issues like this). But nothing seems to really help, and she is complaining about eating Rice Krispies with Rice Milk for breakfast every day.
I do, however, like the bottle. If she pumps me a bottle when I am at my fussiest and refusing to eat, I will usually take that like a champ. You know, the Avent kind? That's the good stuff. But Mommy is part stubborn and part lazy, so she will refuse to bottle feed me. Something about bonding, she says, but I suspect she just doesn't want to sterilize bottles and use the breast pump.
Now that I am two months old, I should probably be figuring this out. At least, that's what Mommy keeps saying. I have a feeling if I don't, she will probably be driven to a bottle of a different kind.
Kristin is married to her high school sweetheart and the mother of one daughter, Madeline, and one son, Max.