What I'm teaching my daughter

By Amy S.

Dear Angry Parking-lot Lady,

A few years ago, before my daughter was born, my husband accidentally cut a man off while making a left turn. The man pulled up behind us at a stoplight, screaming and throwing water bottles onto the trunk of our car. Before I could stop myself, I got out of the car and yelled at him. We ended up in a full yelling match, him shouting obscenities while his family looked on. There were three children in his minivan.

As we drove away, all I could think about was what he was teaching his children. Eventually the adrenaline wore off and I began to think about the danger I had put myself in. Years later, I still wonder about his family every time I make a turn at that stoplight.

So when I became the brunt of your angry tirade, it hit home. As you shouted angrily at me, "I feel sorry for your daughter. Think about what you're teaching her," I couldn't let it go. It's one thing to yell at me for accidentally hitting your SUV with the door of my car. (Which, let's be honest, didn't leave a mark. So your outrage was a bit over the top.) It's another thing to start insulting the way I am raising my child.

The 12-year-old emotional girl who still lives inside me wants to go back in time. Like a petulant teenager I would have yelled, "Haven't you ever had a bad day? Needed to be given the benefit of the doubt? Why are you being mean to me?"

But the unsteady, ever-questioning Mom in me cried angry tears in a parking lot after the workout that was supposed to get your threatening rant out of my head. Our exchange left me raw and exposed. Every moment of lost patience came flooding back. What did I teach my child in that moment?

But I also wonder what made you break so easily. Why did it matter so much? What did you feel you gained by yelling at a complete stranger? And what did the child in the seat next to you absorb? What did you tell her when I drove away?

I told my daughter that sometimes people are mean. They say things that hurt. And it isn't right. And this is why we correct her when she is mean. What I didn't tell her is that if I had taken a moment to say a quick, "I'm sorry" as we walked by your door the first time, it might have blown out your anger instantly and ended the whole exchange.

I will tell her in the morning. And that is what I will teach my daughter.

Amy S. is a married, working mom who always thinks of good comebacks after the fact.

Comments

[De Layna]

I think you are very honest with yourself and others. It's human nature to err, that's why it's important to stay in the spirit. You showed responsibility by taking in the consequences of your actions. We all react to bad situations at times and completely forget our children are present. It's true, we set an example for our children but we make mistakes. The bottom line is, being able to recognize them and correct them. Congratulations.

[Robin P]

I think the real message is exactly what you said in the end. Telling your daughter you should've said you were sorry. That's the biggest lesson for our kids.

Lillianna knows that sometimes Rich and I make mistakes. Every now and then one of us gives her permission to do something that the other is unaware of and we yell at her only to find she had permission to do it. We always apologize and tell her we made a mistake and we're sorry.

She really appreciates our honesty and she confesses when she makes a mistake.

That's a great lesson for kids. Some parents wouldn't apologize and that's the saddest lesson of all.

You should be proud of yourself!

[Mama22Boys]

You mentioned something about if you had apologized to her that she would have not gone off on you. Did you not apologize for hitting her car with your door? I don't want to jump the gun here, but if someone hit my car, whether or not it left a mark, and didn't apologize I would be upset. I don't think I would have yelled at the person, but I would feel it justifiable in getting angry.

[Keesha Mayes]

Boy, your inner angst sounds like the theme music of my life! I have two daughters and a son. They are 10, 8, and my son is 4.

I think what saves me from those "guilt-ridden echoes" is the loving community of other mothers that I surround myself with. They remind me to stop trying to reach for perfection and just be. Children understand more of the complexities of being human, much more than we think. Its when we try to live in the "black" and the "white" sides only, is when they bust us!

When I say or do things that aren't "mommie-like", I have learned to go back and tell my daughters and son, that mommie is still growing up and learning harder and harder lessons on sharing, truthfulness, kindness, or whatever the blunder of the day. In this way, I am hoping that they will come away with a more grounded perspective of being human, and compassion for themselves and others.

Many Blessings, Keesha

[mcewen]

I put my size 10's in it when I first arrived here - someone backed into me, and then parked up. I thought it was to exchange insurance info. As she walked towards me I apologised for HER having backed into me. She said 'excuse me?' I repeated, so did she as we got closer and closer together. I thought she was hard of hearing - she must have thought I was an idiot - whereas really I'm just a foreigner!
Best wishes