DotMoms

Marriage is hard work

By Robin P.

"Guess who's getting divorced?" I asked my husband Rich, sadly. He thought for a moment and then named one of my friends. I was stunned. "How did you know?" I was completely floored that he would've guessed this particular couple. He was silent for a moment and then said quietly, "I was kidding."

Of the eight weddings Rich and I have been to over the past 13 years, five of them have ended in divorce. My marriage could have been one of them.

In 2003, Rich announced he didn't want to be married anymore and he was leaving. It came out of nowhere to me, and I was absolutely stunned. Sure we had problems, who didn't? I thought couples just worked them out. I was willing to try counseling again but Rich didn't want to.

One month later we moved out of the house we were renting. Lillianna and I moved into an apartment and Rich moved in with his friend down the street from us. It was one of the worst times in my life. I thought we'd be together forever. Apparently forever was only going to be nine years.

After six months, Rich said he was willing to try counseling again. Luckily, our new therapist was wonderful and he helped to save our marriage. It hasn't been an easy road, but we both know that we love each other and we want to make our marriage better than it's ever been.

I jokingly blame my parents for making me think marriage was easy. Growing up, our house was filled with music, laughter and love. I would often find Dad sneaking up on Mom to give her a hug while she was cooking. They were frequently snuggled up on the couch or in bed watching TV. They didn't fight. Mom occasionally rolled her eyes at Dad when he did something she disapproved of, but what wife hasn't done that?

I know their life was not perfect, but they made it look effortless. Maybe that's why I didn't think my marriage would be as much work as it has been.

There were times, especially during our separation, when I felt guilty about the effect this was having on Lillianna. She was only five years old at that time and it was so difficult for her. Now, at 9 years old, she can see the daily struggles that Rich and I are going through but I think it's healthy for her.

I think Lillianna is learning that marriage isn't all about the wedding cake and the presents. It's losing a job and trying to pay the bills, caring for a sick spouse, encouraging each other when one wants to try a new career, raising a child together and loving one another in good times and bad.   

I am so glad that Rich and I are still together, but I am very sad for our friends who are struggling with divorce or the aftermath of divorce. I can see how difficult it is for them and for their children.

Some of these divorces were mutual, but some were not and that makes it even more difficult for the spouse who didn't want to end the marriage. For those friends, I pray that their hearts will heal quickly and that they will be able to move on.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

DotMoms Daily: February 27, 2007

Photo: Linda Davidson, The Washington Post

In family-related news:

It Seems the Fertility Clock Ticks for Men, Too (The New York Times)

Over-Wrapping Babies in Winter Boosts SIDS Risk (HealthDay News/iVillage)

Diaper Demographic (The Washington Post)

Beating Peanut Allergies (WebMD/CBS News)

Kraft Recalls Oscar Mayer Chicken Breast Strips, Cuts (AP/ABC News)

Don't Leave Kids, Dogs Alone, Study Warns (HealthDay News/iVillage)

My Boys Like Shootouts. What's Wrong With That? (The Washington Post)

More Teens Are Saying, 'Have a Cigar' (HealthDay News/iVillage)

Teens Can Multitask, But What Are Costs? (The Washington Post)

Child Health Care Splits White House and States (Stateline)

Nation, Congress Review Length of School Day (AP/CNN)

College Students Think They're So Special (AP/MSNBC)

A touchy topic

By Amy Heesacker

I recently asked my 5-year-old what he would do if someone tried to touch him in a way that made him feel uncomfortable.

He responded sweetly, "Say, 'Please, don't do that, please?' "

Hmm. Well, I did tell him to always be polite and to remember to say please when he asked for something. But in this case, I was hoping for something a little less cordial.

My question didn't come out of nowhere. Javi and I have been talking about good touch and bad touch issues for some time now. I became keenly aware of the importance of starting the discussion early while working as a sex offender evaluator in my pre-parenthood professional life. In addition to sadly noting the young age of some of the victims, I observed that many of the offenders were regular looking men and women who were known to the victims and their parents, so I wanted to make sure to teach my son that even people who are friends or family members are not allowed to touch him on his private areas or to ask him to touch them in that way.

My recent question to my son was spurred by a letter sent home from his school saying that all kindergartners would be involved in a good touch/bad touch program this month facilitated by their school counselor. And I'm all for it. While I think the conversations should be taking place at home as well, it's a message that bears repeating and, unfortunately, not all kids may be getting that message at home.

Coincidentally, today, February 23, marks the ninth anniversary of Megan's Law being upheld by the Supreme Court. For those unfamiliar with Megan's Law, it made it possible for all parents to have Internet access to the National Sex Offender Registry so that you can find out where registered sex offenders are living in your community. A friend recently sent me a link to the website http://www.familywatchdog.us (a site featured on "Oprah" and "Dr. Phil:) that provides a map of sex offenders, by their particular crime, living and working near your address. However, as the Megan's Law Web site points out, most sex offenders know their victims and have had ongoing relationships with them.

So, I'm striving to teach my son to respect others while also empowering him to assert his own rights when someone is acting inappropriately. In the same breath I'm trying to teach him what I mean by inappropriate behavior without taking away his innocence.

It's a balancing act.

How are you handling the topic of touch?

Amy Heesacker is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

DotMoms Daily: February 23, 2007

Photo: Fred R. Conrad, The New York Times

In family-related news:

Tracking Fertility Signs as Effective as the Pill (Reuters/MSNBC)

Tests Find Salmonella in Peanut Butter (AP/Yahoo News)

Lunch Box Lead Tests Raise Concerns (AP/The Washington Post)

How Sick Is Too Sick for School? (ABC News)

PTAs Go Way Beyond Cookies (The New York Times)

Reports: Grades Improving Despite Weak Test Scores (AP/CNN)

In China, Stern Treatment For Young Internet 'Addicts' (The Washington Post)

Dinner Seen as Way to Reconnect Families (Reuters/Yahoo)

'Kiddie Tax' Now Ensnares More Young People (AP/MSNBC)

Mom's Mad. And She's Organized. (The New York Times)

I'm sorry, Mom

Dear Mom,

I need to apologize. There is something I said a long time ago that haunts me to this day.

One late afternoon when I was in high school, I informed you I wouldn't be home for dinner because I was going to be out with my boyfriend. As any mother would, you got a bit annoyed that I had failed to tell you until that late in the day. We got into a fight, and that's when I said something (in my most snotty teenage voice) that I remember close to 20 years later:

"I am so sorry if making dinner is the highlight of your day."

There I got it out. Do you remember it? In a way, I hope not. I actually said that to you -- the woman who stayed at home with four children (the first two children being identical twins born when you were 21), the woman who had a home-cooked meal on our table every evening and the house clean at all times, and the woman who had creative inspirations and professional abilities but always chose to be with her kids.

Am I an awful person or what?

As I have aged, I have regretted making that statement and I have never forgotten it. Sure I was an idiotic teenager who was capable of saying very mean things, but I really wish I could insert something into every teenager's brain to make them understand what their parents do for them ... and tell them why they shouldn't say hurtful things. I am a mother now and I get it (and I will probably "get it" in spades from my children as payback).

Not too long ago, and early on in motherhood for me, when I thought about that statement I felt badly because I assumed having dinner together may have been the highlight of your day. Your whole family was home and sitting around the dining room table and you hadn't seen our faces all day. I imagined that was the reason you were so hurt.

But in the last few weeks I have thought about it more. And a lightbulb went off. Maybe making dinner and having your family together (while a good thing) was not the highlight of your day. Maybe it was your job and you couldn't wait until everyone got into bed -- much the same way I feel at 5 p.m. every night. Maybe you just wanted to get into bed yourself and watch something mindless so you could get a decent night's sleep before the insanity of four kids began anew in the morning.

Until now, I never thought that could have been the case. You provided the illusion (if it was one) that you enjoyed doing everything for us, day in and day out. I never felt like you wanted to be in another place. And for that, I thank you-- and remind myself how to act around my children. But Mom, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

I love you.

Kristin

Kristin is married to her high school sweetheart and the mother of one daughter, Madeline, and one son, Max.

DotMoms Daily: February 22, 2007

Photo: AP/Dept. of Homeland Security

In family-related news:

Early Preemie Home At Last (AP/CBS News)

Vaccine May Thwart Birth-Defect Virus (Reuters/MSNBC)

ADHD Drug Makers to Warn of Side Effects (AP/CBS News)

Crashes Top Spinal Cord Danger For Kids (WebMD)

Small Children In Detention Centers (AP/CBS News)

States Stand Up to Cyberbullies (AP/CNN)

Social Networking for 9-Year-Olds (Newsweek/MSNBC)

Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York (The New York Times)

Black Parents Seek to Raise Ambitions (The Washington Post)

Va. House To Teens: 'Hang Up And Drive' (The Washington Post)

Some Top Students Look for Hidden-Gem Colleges (NPR)

DotMoms Daily: February 21, 2007

In family-related news:

Earliest Surviving Preemie to Remain in Hospital (AP/MSNBC)
     Photo Credit: Baptist Children's Hospital

Tainted Cantaloupe, Baby Food Recalled (HealthDay News)
     Related: Who Put Bacteria in My PB&J? (Slate)

Author 'Remaps' Notions About Autism (NPR)

Where Is Sport Steering Youth? (Los Angeles Times)

ACLU Backs Student in Flap Over Religion in Class (AP/CNN)

For Youths, a Grim Tour on Magazine Crews (The New York Times)

The Den of Sickquity

By Amber

My family is at week seven of The Plague. For the math geniuses out there, this means we have been ill for the duration of 2007. Happy New Year, indeed.

A friend recently made the astute comment that we are frequently sick at our house. Gee, y'think?! I once had someone criticize me for all the activities I do with my kids and how I surely expose them to all kind of germs on a daily basis. Because sitting on our bored-to-tears rears (and believe me, you don't want to visualize a liquidized butt) at home and keeping them healthy is surely the better option?

Here's the flaw in that argument: I'm the one who gets sick first. And then I graciously infect my young because that's just the kind of loving mother I am. The reason for my frequent illnesses is I have what is called a low white blood cell count. For those who don't know, white blood cells fight infection. So even though I eat right, exercise daily, and live a healthy lifestyle, the smallest trigger (like, umm, say, extreme fatigue) sets me off.

Two weeks into our most recent plague, I broke down and took my kids to the doctor. This was a big deal for me because I have an extreme aversion to anything medical. I was raised in an unjust world where I could never fake sick because my mother dragged me into the doctor over any little sniffle. I was denied the basic right of any kid to skip school once in a while because I just didn't want to go. I still blame Canadian socialized medicine.

The latest problem is that we have infected Grandma, the same woman who recently took the sick-and-afflicted for a few hours. The same woman who was supposed to babysit this week while my husband and I attend an NHL hockey game between the our favorite rivals. Oh, and did I mention we have a suite and we were also invited to dine at the private restaurant?

That sealed the deal; Emergency Get Grandma Well Intervention was in order. We busted in on her, stuffing her full of homemade chicken soup and vitamins. The jury is still out as to whether we'll be able to go so just let this be a lesson to you:

DON'T INFECT THE HAND THAT BABYSITS YOU.

Amber is a former adventure-travel writer turned adventurous unraveling mother to two-year-old Hurricane Hadley and baby Bode.

DotMoms Daily: February 20, 2007

Credit: Leif Parsons, The New York Times

In family-related news:

You've Come a Short Way, Baby (Slate)

More Young Women Consider Donating Eggs (AP/MSNBC)

When Pregnant Mom Eats Fish, Kids Do Better (MSNBC)

The Claim: Mother's Heartburn Means Hairy Newborn (The New York Times)

Parents Urged to Donate Newborn's Cord Blood (AP/MSNBC)

Infants Form Memories Early, But Also Forget (AP/MSNBC)

With One Word, Children's Book Sets Off Uproar (The New York Times)

Did Government Hide Lunchbox Lead Levels? (AP/The Seattle Times)

Sweet Friday (NPR)

Goodbye to Girlhood (The Washington Post)

Her Autistic Brothers (The New York Times)
    Related: Study Suggests Autism Causes Are Genetic (ABC News)

Flame First, Think Later: New Clues to E-Mail Misbehavior (The New York Times)

Gaming Teaches Surgeons Skills, Study Says (The Des Moines Register)

Poll: 20 Percent In U.S. Care For Aging Parents (CBS News)
    Related: Caught In A Caregiving Squeeze

The preschool years: Not easier, just different

By Kristen C.

I never went into this whole mothering endeavor with the intention of winning an award. In fact, on most days, I feel less like a good mother and more like a really bad one. But as I've written before, I believe there's a part of every person that wants to be good. We don't wake up every morning and say to ourselves, "I'm going to do a crappy job of parenting today."

And yet, I feel as though I might as well have T-shirts made that share that sentiment with the whole world, even though part of me feels like they probably get that from watching me in action.

It's hard not to feel that way when your daughter is throwing the mother of all tantrums -- including (but not limited to) splashing me with water, smacking my hand and face, and kicking the floor, door, and any other hard surface she can find.

It used to be sort of funny. I'd chuckle about it to myself as I sent her off to the corner.

But now, it's just not as humorous. I feel her pain, her frustration, and her annoyance over a new baby, her father going back to work, her mother's split attention, and heinously annoying grandparents that just won't let her be.

I feel like one of those parents who sits in the therapist's office and tries to explain away all her child's behaviors, when really, she is part (if not all) of the cause.

"But she's a really good kid. So smart and kind. We just brought a baby home and all hell broke loose..."

I'm not afraid to discipline my child, and in fact, I have way more patience and understanding than I thought I'd be capable of, but there's only so much screaming, yelling, and smacking that I can take before I start to wonder if I'm being effective. I wonder whether the corner time, taking away of privileges, offering of choices, and quite frankly, doing the consistent and right thing will ever pay off.

If the first two years were hard in one way, the next few appear to be just as hard (if not harder). I never expected it to ease up. But it seems like there's tons of support for moms enduring those sleepless teething-filled nights, and little solace for those of us entering the challenging preschool years -- when the focus has changed from tub pooping and crib diving, to dealing with discipline, safety, socialization, and life skills.

Where we go from basking in our badness to actually striving for some goodness. Not for our own sakes, but for the sake of our little ones who really truly deserve the best.

I guess our nights will always be sleepless, just for different reasons.

Kristen C. is a former college music professor turned stay-at-home-mother/rock star to her daughter Quinlan.