The preschool years: Not easier, just different

By Kristen C.

I never went into this whole mothering endeavor with the intention of winning an award. In fact, on most days, I feel less like a good mother and more like a really bad one. But as I've written before, I believe there's a part of every person that wants to be good. We don't wake up every morning and say to ourselves, "I'm going to do a crappy job of parenting today."

And yet, I feel as though I might as well have T-shirts made that share that sentiment with the whole world, even though part of me feels like they probably get that from watching me in action.

It's hard not to feel that way when your daughter is throwing the mother of all tantrums -- including (but not limited to) splashing me with water, smacking my hand and face, and kicking the floor, door, and any other hard surface she can find.

It used to be sort of funny. I'd chuckle about it to myself as I sent her off to the corner.

But now, it's just not as humorous. I feel her pain, her frustration, and her annoyance over a new baby, her father going back to work, her mother's split attention, and heinously annoying grandparents that just won't let her be.

I feel like one of those parents who sits in the therapist's office and tries to explain away all her child's behaviors, when really, she is part (if not all) of the cause.

"But she's a really good kid. So smart and kind. We just brought a baby home and all hell broke loose..."

I'm not afraid to discipline my child, and in fact, I have way more patience and understanding than I thought I'd be capable of, but there's only so much screaming, yelling, and smacking that I can take before I start to wonder if I'm being effective. I wonder whether the corner time, taking away of privileges, offering of choices, and quite frankly, doing the consistent and right thing will ever pay off.

If the first two years were hard in one way, the next few appear to be just as hard (if not harder). I never expected it to ease up. But it seems like there's tons of support for moms enduring those sleepless teething-filled nights, and little solace for those of us entering the challenging preschool years -- when the focus has changed from tub pooping and crib diving, to dealing with discipline, safety, socialization, and life skills.

Where we go from basking in our badness to actually striving for some goodness. Not for our own sakes, but for the sake of our little ones who really truly deserve the best.

I guess our nights will always be sleepless, just for different reasons.

Kristen C. is a former college music professor turned stay-at-home-mother/rock star to her daughter Quinlan.

Comments

[Susan]

You've got that right, girl. I have a 12 year old and a 16 year old and we're going through that Other Kind of Sleepless now. And yeah, it's better, and it's worse, and it's different. But I think overall it's better.

[amy]

I wrote something very similar a couple of months ago. Once upon a time I used to joke those moms using the "1, 2, 3" method, but after reading "1-2-3 Magic" and implementing it at home - I now swear by it. It has all but stopped the kicking, hitting, etc.

[wwwmama]

My daughter has just started to really test me, and today my babysitter suggested it was because of her new baby cousin that lives with us. It does make sense that she'd see the competition and want to cling to me but also toy with me a bit. I'm trying hard to be consistent and discipline her, but I miss the good old days when bedtime and every little thing wasn't such a struggle. I still have faith, though, that if we do a good job through the preschool years, it'll make the next years after that much easier. Watch those nanny shows on TV and you'll probably feel better about doing the work now rather than later...

[Jan]

I agree that, as your child gets older, the opinion seems to be that there are not many problems. I have a six year old and feel like there is not much support for moms with kids this "old" It's like your kid is grown and on his way. But even six year olds have issues as equally stressful as teething and tantrums. I would say my boy has challenged me more in the last year than he did as a toddler (he never threw tantrums then!)

[CrankMama]

Sleepless nights.. amen, sister. Meanwhile, don't forget that tantrums at age 3 or so are abso horrid! And all that anger about the new baby just compounds it.

[Ishkabibble]

Did our parents doubt themselves as enthusiastically as we do? On bad days I can't find enough nasty things to say about my mothering skills. On better days I can give myself a bit of a break, and allow as maybe, perhaps I haven't ruined my kids completely, at least not yet. Who knows? But -- if we didn't doubt ourselves and our parenting skills, it'd be much more worrisome. At least we try to improve.