The new baby

By Sarah Rachel Egelman

When I was newly pregnant, a friend told me that throughout much of her second pregnancy and especially during her labor and delivery, she mourned the loss of the relationship with her toddler at home. As she talked about her feelings, how she even cried, missing her son, as her baby was born, I paid close attention. I knew this was one of those things that parents rarely talk about but many feel deeply. And, now here I am, about to deliver my second baby and I understand why she shared her story with me. 

I admit I am conflicted. I wanted to get pregnant and have another baby and that has not changed.  But, my feelings this time around are so very different. My feelings this time around are not centered on the growing baby but centered on my daughter, Lilith.

She is so perfect and wonderful and everything is just so good right now, and I can't help but feel I am about to mess things up completely. 

She is not quite 3, but will tell you she is four and a half years old. She is strong willed, sometimes quite serious. She is always affectionate ("Mimi, you are my mother and I love you and I love my daddy too!"), and she is admirably silly ("The dog gave me a slippery, sloppery kiss! I said 'slippery sloppery,' that is funny!"). She has her moments: she slams the door to her room and tells us to go away. She asks me, "Because why?" like she is 14. But she is smart and imaginative and cuddly and lovely all the same. And, soon, her world will be quite altered and there is not much I can do to prepare her. 

During my prenatal yoga classes when we are asked to visualize delivering the baby, I visualize delivering Lilith. When I try to imagine who this new baby is I imagine another little Lilith. It is hard to, at this point, think of the baby as its own person because my life, my heart, have been filled with Lilith for so long.   

My mother says that after I was born she wanted more children. My father was anxious and hesitant.  Would he have enough love for another child? Things were fine the way they were. He didn't want to lose his relationship with me. But after my sister was born he realized that love expands and our capacity to love is infinite. He loved my sister just as much as he loved me; she was her own unique and awesome person and he couldn't imagine life without her.

I know intellectually that, while the transition for our family may be rough (Lilith already says she wants to sleep in a crib again despite the fact that I have explained numerous times that she never did sleep in a crib when she was a baby and in fact screamed bloody murder at the sight of one) it will be a challenge that will make our family better. I know that my capacity to love is infinite, and I know this baby will be loved as much as my daughter is (by me, my husband, by all our family and friends). 

But, I have to be honest. There is part of me that is mourning the loss of what I have now. There is part of me that is nervous, wondering why have I chosen to make things more difficult? Was I being selfish? Why did I want to have another baby anyway? 

I have to be honest because there is not much time left and I need to be allowed to feel these things so I can move on to celebrating this new little person who is going to expand my heart and my understanding of the world, who is going to challenge me and make my Lilith a big sister.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and freelance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her family.     

Comments

[Heather]

Thanks for writing this post, it is so true and really struck a chord with me.

I had my second baby 3 months ago. I felt the same things about my Alison. I was sad that my days alone with her would soon be over. When I went into labor a friend of ours came over to take her to their house. I cried as I watched her in her little pink coat and hat holding her beloved "Pork Roll" getting into my friend's car. It was the last time it would be the three of us, and between that knowledge and the hormones I lost it.

I will tell you that life now, though sometimes difficult and heartwrenching, is very satisfying. Every day Alison shows more love toward her brother. I look forward to watching their relationship blossom as they are able to communicate each with each other more. Even though their are some days when I feel like one of them isn't getting the attention they need, I remind myself that they are both happy and healthy, so I must be doing something right.

[Elle]

A lovely post.

You will be fine. It's the time for anxious thoughts about pretty much everything so I wouldn't worry to much about it.

Good luck.