December 21, 2007

Relearning friendship

AmberBy Amber

A couple of years ago, a friend invited me to join her playgroup at Bellview Park. It was a glorious sunny day, the kind you relish as you watch your 1-year-old test out her wobbly legs like a baby bird taking flight.

As the mothers talked freely, the children played. They splashed in the stream, giggled on the train, squealed at the animals in the petting zoo and rolled in the grass. It was one of those times when everything just seemed right.

Until I met Daniel. Actually, it was my sweet daughter Hadley who instigated the introduction. She had wobbled over to a corner of the park about 30 feet away from our perch and had innocently plopped down beside this little boy. He was tow-headed, bespectacled and I will never forget his bottomless smiles. I will also never forget his accompanying oxygen tank.

I struck up a conversation with his mother. Daniel was just a couple months older than Hadley but half her size and severely handicapped. But this child emanated a light like I have never seen as he guilelessly watched the children play around him.

In those brief moments that we spoke, I had such a strong connection with this woman as she longingly looked over at our circle of friends. A voice screamed inside me, "INVITE THEM OVER! She is in desperate need of companionship!"

But I did not.

I had my reasons, albeit superficial ones. After all, I did not know this woman, she did not know me. And besides, it was not even my playgroup; I was already crashing it. How would it appear if I invited a complete stranger over?

That woman has probably long forgotten that day.

I have not.

And I have vowed to keep remembering with each new encounter.

Amber is a former adventure-travel writer turned adventurous unraveling mother to two-year-old Hadley and baby Bode.

October 15, 2007

DotMoms Daily: New autism site, Mom's Facebook friends, and more

Duck
Image: AP, CBS

In family-related news:
> California bans plastic toy chemical (AP/CBS)
> Web site helps parents detect early signs of autism (AP/Washington Post)
   Related: Can a new diet help autistic kids?  (ABC)
> Study: Teasing adds to weight problems  (AP/Yahoo)
> Battle over kids' health bill continues (AP/CBS)
> 73 and loaded with friends on Facebook (NYTimes)

September 28, 2007

DotMoms: Play yards recalled, social skills & school success, and more

Playyard
Photo: CPSC

In family-related news now:
> Child's death prompts recall of play yards (AP/MSNBC)
   List of recalled playpens | This week's other recalls: toys & cribs
> Congress OKs expansion of kids' insurance (AP/CBS)
> Disney to halt U.S. mobile phone service (Reuters/MSNBC)
> Nickelodeon: Kids, turn off the TV (AP/ABC)
> Learning social skills spells success in school (LiveScience/MSNBC)
> Teenagers, parents are actually talking (Reuters)
> Don't worry, be students & more from the college issue (NYTimes)
> Mom may be able to pass bird flu to fetus (Reuters)

July 26, 2007

DotMoms Daily: What Rowling left out, contagious weight gain, and more

Junie2 Image: Stephanie Kuykendal, New York Times

In family-related news now:
> Learn baby's sex early? Half say no (WebMD)
> Poor nutrition in pregnancy may mean obese kids (ABC)
> SIDS rates fall as infants' sleep positions change (Reuters/MSNBC)
> Are friends and family making you fat? (CBS)
> Walt Disney to snuff smoking in some films (Washington Post)
> Schools cut other subjects to teach reading, math (US News & World Report)
> Is Junie B. Jones talking trash? (New York Times)
> What Potter author left out (Today)

July 18, 2007

The boy at the end of the road

By Anjali

A few months ago, a beautiful 4-year-old boy, with sandy blond hair and inquisitive clear blue eyes began appearing at my doorstep.

He rode his 2-wheeler bike up our street in search of children to play with.

I had never seen him before, and when he first asked if he could come into my house, I asked him who he was and where he lived.

Gary (his name has been changed) pointed across the street and three houses down, just at the bend at the bottom of the hill, and said: "We live there."

I had never seen a For Sale sign at that home, so I was a bit puzzled. Perhaps Gary was staying with family for a visit. Perhaps he was pointing to a house slightly further down, one that was out of my periphery. 

I told him that he could play in our front yard, so his parents could see him when they came looking. I then sat on the front porch, while Gary and my girls played.

Two hours passed, and no one came.

After a little while, I started getting worried that no one had even bothered trying to find him. So I asked him a few questions. He lived with his mother and father, he said, as well as a baby brother.  They were new to the neighborhood.

When it was time for dinner, I walked with Gary to the curb, and watched him cross the street. Sure enough, he entered the home at the bend in the road.

This sort of thing went on for a month or so: Gary would show up, unannounced, and enter our home to play. I would wait for several minutes looking for a parent to let them know their child was with me. No one ever came.

I finally met Gary's mom six weeks later. She explained to me that they were renovating the house at the bottom of the bend, but not yet living there yet. She said they would move in in a few weeks from a nearby town.

I told her that Gary had been playing at my house almost every single day, including weekends, for over a month. I asked if she wanted my phone number. She declined.

I told her that Gary crossed the street all the time by himself, and that I was worried because drivers sped around the corner all the time, in an attempt to cut through the traffic off the main road.

"Well, Gary doesn't listen to me," she said. "Plus he's so darn independent. The other day, I napped on the couch with the baby for two hours, and I woke up to realize that Gary had been gone that whole time!" She then chuckled a bit, not at all concerned that Gary could get lost, or hurt, or injured, or worse, during such extended absences.

I returned home that day, trying to look at things from Gary's mother's perspective. Was I being overly judgmental, or were Gary's parents somewhat neglectful (his father seemed equally obtuse)? Was I a helicopter parent, and Gary's parents more laid back, just as my own parents were when I was a kid?

But then I realized that there was a big difference between Gary's run of the neighborhood and my own as a child. My parents knew the people living at every house on the street. For every friend I visited, my parents knew their parents, and had their phone number. And they always knew where I was. Always.

I tried my best to keep track of Gary, but one time, when I escorted him outside to watch him walk home, he ran in the opposite direction of his house and up the block. I called out to him, and he refused to answer. He stood at the top of the street, looked down toward me, eyed me carefully, and took off further up the block. 

I saw Gary's mother only one more time, on the eve of our move out of our neighborhood. I tried to address, in the gentlest but most straightforward manner, Gary's sprints across the street during rush hour, and his solo walks blocks from his home.

She shrugged. "I know, I'm so afraid someone's going to call Child Protective Services on us!"

I didn't know what to say. So I said nothing at all.

The night before the moving truck came, at 9 p.m., Gary was once again at my front door. "Honey," I whispered, "the girls are sleeping, and you should be at home." 

"I know," Gary said. "I just wanted to give this to Mira before she moved because I'll miss her." Gary then handed me a brightly-colored squirt gun. "I have two," he continued, "and I thought she should have one of them."

I placed my hand on Gary's head, and pushed some of the stray hairs out of his face. He was so young, just four, to be out so late by himself. I glanced down at the end of the road. Once again, there was no parent to be found.

"Thank you, sweetie." I said. "Why don't we get you back home?"

Gary nodded.

I put the squirt gun down, and reached for Gary's small, pale hand. 

And we crossed the street together for the last time.

Anjali lives in suburban Philadelphia with her husband and two young girls.

July 17, 2007

DotMoms Daily: Potterphiles, co-misery-making, and more

Parttime_3 Illustration: Scott Pollack

In family-related news now:
> Full-time work losing luster for moms (AP/KCStar)
   Related: The anguish of a part-timer (NYTimes)
> Complaining to friends increases girls' misery (ABC)
> Report: Teen birth rate hits record low (AP/CBS)
> Girls gone mild? A new modesty movement (Newsweek/MSNBC)
> OMG! YR still on MySpace? Loser! (MSNBC)
> Study: Few kids walk or bike to school (AP/CBS)
> Mixed report card for children's health (WebMD)
> Overweight kids face widespread stigma (AP/MSNBC)
> Choking risk for babies prompts Gerber recall (Reuters)

TruckImage: Lucas Jackson, Reuters

In Harry Potter-related news now:
> Potter book under guard at secret U.S. warehouse (Reuters)
> Hunting for 'Harry' in Indiana, but not getting far (ABC)
> The voice of Harry Potter can keep a secret (NYTimes)
> Who's the next Harry Potter? (ABC)
> Proud to be a Potterhead (Washington Post)
> Harry's pals must face 'Deathly Hallows' too (MSNBC)
> With 5th film, Harry Potter masters box office race  (NYTimes)
> Emma Watson is living the dream (CBS)
> Wizard Rock: Harry Potter goes punk (NPR)

March 26, 2007

Involvement is the Fountain of Youth

DonnaBy Donna

"I never thought they'd get old so fast," my sister lamented. She was speaking about our parents, now in their early 70s. However, her comments were not about their chronological age, but their mental state.

"They don't DO anything," she continued. "They don't seem to have any interests outside of what they watch on TV."

My parents have not only accepted senior citizenship –- they've embraced it, she says. While in fairly good health, they seem to relish all the aches and pains and other ailments that accompany an aging body. A great portion of conversations with our mother is spent cataloging them all. It's almost as if she is looking forward to the drama of incipient illness.

We contrast our parents' behavior and attitudes to those of my sister's in-laws. A decade older than my parents, these folks have never lost their zest for life. Retirement for them has meant becoming involved with local charities and museums, where they both volunteer. They read, they play tennis and they travel, taking advantage of educational tours offered by groups like Elderhostel.

Unfortunately, my mother and father have never been "joiners." The word "sport" was never in their vocabulary, and I can't imagine them putting up with the regimentation of a guided tour. The only thing they seem to want to do with their days is cruise Costco for free food samples and bargains.

When my sister started having babies years before I did, my folks moved 400 miles north to be near their grandchildren. We have always had a difficult relationship. We're careful with each other on the phone. I rely on Linda to alert me to things that go unsaid. I wondered if I needed to worry about them.

Then, a couple of months after my sister and I spoke, my mom and dad decided to give up the suburban house they’d owned for 18 years and buy a condo in burgeoning downtown Sacramento. A few weeks later, there was new energy in my father's voice. He had attended his first homeowners' association meeting and, by the end of the night, had been elected an officer. It makes sense, as most of the other residents are young working professionals. They don't have a lot of time to deal with the HOA. Why wouldn't they jump to enlist a retired insurance executive?

"Your mother is on the social committee," he informed me. "She's busy planning parties right now."

"How's her back?" I ask, dreading the inevitable list of problems, doctors and medications that were bound to follow.

"You know, it's stopped bothering her," my dad replied. He sounded surprised, as if it was a question he forgot to expect.

He put my mother on the phone and she sounded like her old self -- energetic and lively. And they didn't once mention "American Idol."

I ended the call satisfied that all is going to be OK, and I made a mental note to myself: "Stay involved, no matter how hard it gets." Because involvement –- with your family, your community, serving others -–is the thing that keeps people young.

Donna is a San Fernando Valley wife and mother.

March 14, 2007

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her wear dowdy clothes

MindyBy Mindy

A friend recently asked a provocative question: What is your suggestion for parents who struggle with sticking to their personal beliefs while raising a child who is drawn, by outside forces, to a different belief? I'm really trying to find out how other parents handle situations where their decisions -- big and small -- might negatively impact their kids' social life.

Good one.

As my children are still too young to have put me in the position of dealing with these things, I answered freely and confidently.

Since you'll never convince them that it isn't fun, attractive, or compelling, all you can do is inform them of their choices and how those choices might pan out. Try to convince or dictate, and it says more to them about you. Lay out the facts (or rules), and future behavior says more about them. Think of it as more of a consiglieri role than a director role.

For instance, tell your daughter that she is free to dress how she likes. However, dressing in trendy, body-revealing clothes will have the following results:

  1. People will notice her body, not her.
  2. Boys will make assumptions. Girls will assign a reputation, earned or not.
  3. Competition is everywhere and with everyone; style competition in a high school environment can only escalate, and there is no final prize. Compete intellectually instead; it's a stealthy move. You won't remember half their names in 10 years, and you haven't even met your best friends yet. People live a long time.
  4. Trendy clothes go out of style in a flash, so all fad items will be purchased by the child. They are not good investments for the parents.
  5. Investigate together the school's dress code. You can be at least as strict as the school. If wearing something there gets a detention, it gets similar action at home.

Emphasize that these are not punishments designed to make life miserable; rather, they are the rules and social norms, and so long as the entire family has been informed, any further breaking of the rules and resulting consequences is solely of the child's choosing.

Violent games? Can't avoid them, so set limits. Same as above: you'll throw them off by saying they are free to make their own choices, but bring them back by assuring them that freedom to choose doesn't come with immunity for those choices.

  1. Delay having video games in the home as long as possible. I went nine years, not because I denied them, but because I never mentioned them or purchased them. Children will discover them at others' homes and at school, and then you can talk about what the rules are there and what they will be at home.
  2. None in the morning when they are getting ready for school -- they're distracting and they listen less when re-enacting what they've learned. If the children are more violent with each other, there are more consequences; tolerance doesn't go up in proportion to the video game rating.
  3. Compare it to junk food. Tell them that it's not necessarily bad for them, but it does take up space better used by healthier stuff their bodies need.
  4. Set expectations in the house: they have chores, homework and whatever else. If everything else is done, they are free to do what they like in the time they have carved out by being more efficient with the rest. It cannot take away from other responsibilities.
  5. As with trendy clothing, video games are optional and transient, so the child will pay for them either with gift money or money earned doing chores or tasks. They earn the money, and then choose how to spend it. Let the money be the buffer, and the video games do not come from you, and whatever earned the money has nothing to do with whatever the money buys. Make it clear that if they earned it, it is theirs, and so long as it's not dangerous or illegal they are free to spend it and enjoy or repent according to choices made with full knowledge of the rewards and consequences.

I'll get back to you when I've made this work in my own home.

Mindy is a divorced mother who lives in the Bay Area with her three children.

March 11, 2007

Friendship at five

By Anjali

Some mornings, the shrieks escaping Mira's mouth as she spots one of her classmates startle me so much, I accidentally release my left foot from the clutch and the car jolts to a stall in the middle of the carpool line.

My daughter has just seen her friend Kayla, another 5-year-old she saw just the day before at school. Mira leaps in the air and runs up behind Kayla, who returns the same primal scream before flinging her arms around what appears to be her long-lost friend.

This scene repeats itself, over and over again, with each of Mira's friends. They cling to one another like Saran Wrap, only detangling themselves many minutes later, at their teacher's gentle urging. Their eyes are wild with enthusiasm for one another, taking copious mental notes of what the other friend is wearing in her hair, what books she is reading, or how she crosses her legs while sitting on the floor. Their relationships are obsessive, and loving, and whimsical, and silly, but serious and relevant in their own little 5-year old world.

The first few times I saw these almost barbaric greetings, which reminded me of my hardly sober sorority socials back in college, I was taken aback by the fact that any 5-year-old could feel so fiercely for another non-relative. What is it, I wondered, that two prekindergartners could possibly talk about in the three hours a day they roam the same classroom?

But when I reach far enough back in my memory file, I remember that I, too, had a best friend at five. One that made me giggle in that wild and unabashed way, one with whom I shared my innermost secrets about school and ghosts and good climbing trees.

Her name was Carol. She had long, stringy blond hair, and was a petite little thing with a wide smile. Carol had knobby, scabbed knees, and black toenails from her absolute refusal to wear shoes outside when the temperature was above freezing. I remember that she was smart and funny and daring. The two of us would find all kinds of ways to get in trouble. We pretended that car windshields were slides, and took turns careening down the front of each and every one of them in the apartment complex parking lot where we lived. We'd climb and jump down the sides of huge dirt piles in an area behind our neighborhood we'd nicknamed "The Mountains." We were mischievous. We took too many risks when our moms weren't looking, but we were loving life at five.

Carol and I fought a lot, too, and while I don't remember what the fights were about, I remember that at five, when I fought with Carol, it was as if my entire world had come crashing down. I felt sick in my gut until one of us slinked over to the other's house and apologized via sharing a favorite toy, or asking if the other could come out to play.  Such was our friendship, fierce and passionate, joyous and rocky, at five years old.

I remember one night in particular, sitting at the table while my family ate a spaghetti dinner. I inhaled my food wholeheartedly and messily, and when the doorbell rang in the middle of the meal, I jumped up to answer it myself. When I opened the door, there stood my best friend. She was draped, just as I was, with a napkin around her neck. Her cheeks and mouth were stained and crusted with red pasta sauce, just as mine were, and in her hand, just as in mine, she held a fork perfect for noodle twirling. We laughed at the coincidence, and then promised we'd play when we'd both finished supper.

I remember now, looking back, how truly sincere and genuine, how loyal and zealous, how wide-eyed and eager, friendship is at the age of five. And I'm grateful for Mira's darling girlfriends, who are creating for her wonderful memories of her childhood, and don't even know it.

Anjali Enjeti-Sydow is a suburban Philadelphia mother of two girls who spends time fantasizing about re-enrolling herself in Kindergarten.

January 17, 2007

When growing up means growing apart

Robin_1By Robin P.

I met my friend Robin when we were six years old. Since I was new to the neighborhood, one of my mom's friends brought me down the street to meet her. We were a perfect match and became inseparable for the next seven years.

Robin had two brothers who were teenagers, so they were out of the house a lot. Her parents owned a restaurant which kept them busy, so Robin was at my house quite a bit. That was just fine with us because we loved being together. No matter what we did, we had a good time. Robin spent so much time at our house that she became a part of our family.

In 1975, we entered junior high school. Robin wanted to join the cheerleading squad. I helped her practice her cheers and her backward handsprings for tryouts. I was happy for her when she made the squad. We were only about a month into 7th grade when I noticed Robin begin to act differently. She finally admitted that she had begun smoking cigarettes.

I was stunned. I thought we were too young to smoke. She also started to be flirty with boys and hang out with other girls who were interested in flirting. I liked boys, but from a distance; I didn't want to flirt with them or date them. Over the next few months, I felt Robin leaving me behind as she embraced new friends.

One day, I overheard some girls talking about Robin's upcoming boy-girl party. Her parents were going away for the weekend and she was supposedly having the party of the century. I thought that was odd because she hadn't told me anything about it. After a couple of days I realized something was wrong. I got up my courage to ask Robin if she was really having a party and if she was planning on inviting me. She hesitated for a moment and then said, "It's not really your kind of party. Plus, you'll tell your mother and then my parents will find out so I'd rather that you not come."

After a few minutes of stunned silence, a tear slipped down my cheek. I looked down at my feet because I didn't want her to see how much she had hurt me. Reluctantly she said, "You can come if you really want to." I was still in shock. Not knowing what to do, I quietly thanked her and walked away.

I ended up going to her party and having a terrible time. The main attraction was spin-the-bottle. I was quite uncomfortable with this game and I'm sure it showed. Everyone else was anxious to kiss and be kissed. I went in the other room before the bottle pointed in my direction. I left early, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I walked down the street to go home. This wasn't my idea of fun at all and I was happy to be free from the stress.

I had to finally admit that Robin and I had grown apart. We were still friendly towards one another but we were never really friends from then on. In 8th grade she moved a few towns away and we rarely saw each other.

It was very difficult to handle the loss of this friendship, but I eventually understood that we were not meant to be lifelong friends. Our interests had gone in completely different directions.

My daughter Lillianna has made some very close friendships over the years. At 9 years old, I am sure she doesn't ever think that there will be a time when her friends will not be in her life. My husband Rich and I often wonder which friends will still be by Lillianna's side in middle school and high school and even as an adult. It will be interesting to see.

If she does part ways with one of her friends, at least she won't have to go through it alone.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

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