DotMoms

Author Interview: Bonnie Fuller on The Joys of Much Too Much: Go for the Big Life—The Great Career, The Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You’ve Ever Wanted

By Amy M.

  I have worked full-time outside the home since my son was 4-months-old and never doubted my decision, so I am always interested in hearing from other moms in similar situations. However, it was the author of The Joys of Much Too Much—Bonnie Fuller—who enticed my interest before I even knew what her book was about. As an avid women’s magazine reader, I was familiar with Fuller’s work and excited about the opportunity to speak with her. And she didn’t disappoint—she was as candid in our conversation as she is in her book, even though the interview took place at 9 p.m., while she was on her way home from a long day at the office.

In her aptly titled first book, the magazine editor and mother of four shares her secret to happiness: forget trying to find balance in your life and instead strive for one that is “maxed out with a career, romance and family.” The former editor of magazines such as Glamour and Us Weekly and current editorial director of American Media (publisher of the celebrity newsweekly Star) claims that we CAN have it all and tells us how, using tips and anecdotes from her own life. Known professionally for her myriad accomplishments in the magazine industry, she is also a devoted wife and mother who has had her share of personal struggles, including dealing with the serious illnesses of two of her children.

Amy: You’ve worked hard to get where you are, and there were some bumps in the road. At what point did you personally realize “the joys of much too much”?

Bonnie: I realized it with my first son, at age 30. I was really surprised by the pregnancy. I knew I really wanted kids, but I hadn’t planned on starting a family yet. I thought we would wait. But it was a really good thing that it happened, because I was someone who probably would have put it off. I loved my job so much. I was editor-in-chief of Flare [Canadian fashion magazine], and I never expected to have that job at that point. I never expected to have that job, period, being editor-in-chief of a magazine. But then I had my son, and it was a complete and utter revelation to me how incredible you could feel about your child. I had a career I loved, and realized I loved having a family, too. That’s when it dawned on me, that it was the best of both possible worlds, to have both.

Amy: From the time you were in college, you have managed to overcome your inner fears and “go for it” in all aspects of your life. But the fact is there are many women who would be afraid to do that, for many different reasons. They may even be afraid to send a simple email to someone who could serve as a professional contact. How can these women really break out of their shells?

Bonnie: You really have to be your own inner cheerleader. You have to start telling yourself that you’re great, you can do it, that you can accomplish your dreams. You have to work at convincing yourself first, because you have to give yourself confidence. And you have to realize only you can be your best supporter and cheerleader.

Something else you can do is tell your mother, or your boyfriend, or your best friend that you really need them to also be supportive and tell you positive things. It’s almost like you have to brainwash yourself, and when you hear it coming from yourself, and from your friends, it really does make a difference.

So first you have build up your courage, and then, start small. And then, assuming you have the training you need, look at the landscape out there, and figure out where you can start. It’s all hard, so you have to find the easiest—relatively speaking—place to start. For example, try to target a particular company, or a particular job within a company, where if you got your foot in the door, you could take the next step up. Start small and aim low to begin with, so you’re not giving yourself such a big hurdle that you feel it’s impossible to get over it.

Don’t bite off too much. If you get into the field you want in a lower-level job and you’re learning, and you see that you’re getting positive feedback, that should help build your confidence, so you can try to go to the next step. A lot of times, if you go after something you’re passionate about, and want to do well at, you learn a lot faster than you think you might, and you can also move up a lot faster than you initially think you will. If it’s the right field for you, then you’ll be comfortable once you’re in it.

Amy: You encourage women to find their passion and pursue it, but some women may feel so overwhelmed that they no longer know what their passion is. How do we find (or rediscover) it—especially when we have to contend with child care issues, lack of money, etc.?

Bonnie: First of all, if you’ve trained for something, you have to decide if you want to go back to it. If not, then you just have to think about what you like doing. What parts of the day do you like best? What do you like to read about? What do you like to watch, to listen to, to do? What hobbies do you have? Because really, you want to have your career in something you love to do. So if you’re the one who really likes organizing other moms for playdates and special activities, you have to think how you can reuse those skills in a professional way. You just need to brainstorm about how you can apply your skills and the things you like to do at home in a different way.

Amy: In your book you mention some of the factors that cause women to “settle,” whether it be in their professional or personal lives. And you are definitely an extraordinary role model for any woman who felt she had to “settle.” But sometimes there are external factors we really cannot overcome—for example, we have to pay the mortgage so we have to stay in a job where the work environment is not ideal. How can you manage to lead the filled-to-the-brim yet extremely rewarding life when there are certain elements and negative influences you can’t control?

Bonnie: Most people have to settle at some point. Maybe you’ve gotten bored in your job, or you have a new boss you don’t get along with. I think that happens to everyone at some point in their careers. Sometimes you do have to tough it out for awhile—I think that’s very common, and you shouldn’t feel terrible about it, because it’s life. However, if it becomes clear the situation is not going to change and that you really need to find another job, then you start quietly, discreetly looking around. Start networking with people at conferences and lunches. Try to meet people who might know about other opportunities. Look at job listings online. You can’t stay forever if you’re unhappy, because it can lead you to depression. You need to decide for yourself when the situation becomes unbearable. And sometimes just taking some steps to find a new position makes you feel better, because in your mind you’ve made the decision that you’re going to find something else. It could take a long time, but at least you’re moving in the right direction. Unfortunately a new job won’t just present itself. You have to do what you can from your end and eventually you’ll find another job. These things don’t happen on your timetable.

Amy: Because of your own experiences, in your book you focus on finding/establishing a supportive atmosphere at the office. However, there are many women who would love to work from home and have jobs that could feasibly be done from home. As someone who has supervised many employees, how do you recommend women broach this subject with their boss?

Bonnie: You have to approach your boss with a plan. Approach it really positively. Don’t just go into your boss’s office and say you’ve decided to work from home. Show that you’ve given it a lot of thought and figured out how it can work for the company, not disrupt the boss’s needs, and still work for you. Have a proposal of the duties you can do from home, who you can coordinate with at the office, who can supervise you, how often you will come in to the office. You really need to have a thought-out plan. And then you should offer to try it out, maybe for a month, and if it’s not working for your boss, you’ll be willing to reconsider. You’re not giving an ultimatum—you never want to do that to your boss. You want to go in and be cooperative, positive, willing to reconsider if working from home doesn’t work out.

Amy: You urge working mothers to not let negative comments regarding work versus family bother them. But the fact is the “mommy wars” are alive and well, with tons of criticism coming from all sides. Linda Hirshman caused quite a bit of turmoil earlier in the summer when she wrote that women who chose to leave the workforce after having children were not living up to their potential (link to article here). What is your reaction to Linda’s piece?

Bonnie: Well, I believe it’s a free world, we have free choice, so you have to make the decisions that are right for you. I may think that the road to the greatest happiness, and also to the most security, is to work, because I also feel it’s financially dangerous to depend on your husband and not have your own independent income. I may think that, but not every woman feels that way, and I think the great thing about life today is we do have choices, and we can choose what we feel is right for us. I believe the “joys of much too much” is going to work for a lot of women, but it’s not going to work for every woman. I’m not going to tell a woman who wants to stay home that it’s a bad decision. You have to make the decision for yourself. On the other hand, I want to encourage the women who feel like their friends, family and society are telling them they can’t do both, because they wouldn’t be perfect at both. I want to support those women, and say, hey, you don’t have to be perfect. You can do well at both things—your job and raising your kids. You’re going to do great and be happier if you do both—if that’s you want that.

Amy: What values do you try to instill in your children?

Bonnie: I want them to be thoughtful, considerate, truthful, to believe in themselves and be hardworking, and to know that things are not going to be given to them, they need to work hard for them. You’re not doing a good thing for your kids if you give them everything. You want them to appreciate the value of things and have to work for things. I think it’s important to instill in them a sense of purpose in life, and to teach them they need to work to achieve their dreams. That’s very important, because if you don’t give kids a sense of purpose, I don’t think they have a sense of direction in life. The worst legacy you could ever leave your kids is to make them feel like nothing in life is exciting, because they already have it all.

It’s exciting to see my kids embarking on their own journeys. That’s what makes me feel really good, because I know they’re going to have good lives. They know what they want, and they’re going after it and feel good about it. That’s something I think is really important, that makes me happiest.

Amy: What are you proudest of at the end of the day?

Bonnie: I’m most proud of my kids, that they’re growing up to be honest and hardworking, with a sense of purpose in life.

Secondly, I’m proud of the work I’ve been able to do. I feel really fortunate that I’ve been able to be in a field that I love, one that’s really creative, and that I’ve been able to make a difference by creating magazines that women enjoy reading. I’m proud of that.

Amy: How do you think the workplace has changed for women—especially mothers—throughout your career?

Bonnie: I think the workplace is definitely more flexible and accommodating. There are more women having babies, being moms, continuing their careers. It’s really changed a lot. When I was starting out, nobody thought of being able to work from home. You would hear about a lot of women working after one child, but not if they had two or three. There were a lot fewer women going back to work than there are now.

In the workplace now it’s much more acceptable for women to work and have kids, and to bring their kids in the office sometimes, and to figure out different arrangements for child care. Women are in such demand in certain areas—like in women’s magazines, where there is a particular demand for senior editors. Many editors at women’s magazines are having kids, and they have been able to work out different arrangements so they can care for their kids. There have been so many accommodations made. That may not happen in every single field, but it is happening more in some fields. Women become very valued workers, and their companies really appreciate it and are willing to make accommodations. The more valuable you become in your organization, the more accommodations will be made for you. Becoming more senior gives you more of an ability to dictate—when you need to—how you’re going to make accommodations for your own family. I think it’s worthwhile to take on more responsibility and move up, because it enables you to have more control.

Amy: Is there anything else you want to share?

Bonnie: I really feel that most women have some passions, and you’ll be happiest if you find a way to express those passions, and have your family too—your other passion. Also, the thing is, you still have a long life after your kids are grown, so you need something to stimulate you and make you excited about your life. So if you’ve decided not to pursue a career while your kids are young, you can still do it after your kids are grown. You can go back to school, or find a job, but it should be a job you’ll really care about and be excited about—not something to just occupy your time. It’s never too late. People don’t retire at age 65 today. You shouldn’t forget that there’s a second act, or a third act in life. You’re still combining motherhood with a career. You’re still a mom, even if your kids are older.

The Joys of Much Too Much was provided free to DotMoms for review and is available at amazon.com. This interview took place via a recorded phone conversation and has been edited for space and clarity.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Sweetie, buddy, honey...squirrel?

By Amy M.

Nicknames are a funny thing. Sometimes it’s obvious where they came from, but often not. For example, anyone who does not know my “maiden” name (I have to put “maiden” in quotes because I think the terminology is sexist) would be surprised to hear my husband call me “Millie.” I actually think it’s sort of cute, especially because we’re not the type to use terms of endearment.

When I was pregnant, and before we knew we were having a boy, we referred to the baby as “Bean” (shortened from “Jelly Bean”). Later in my pregnancy, we started calling him Alex. When he was first born, we used all the typical affectionate terms showered on babies. And as we became loopier due to lack of sleep, we started calling him sillier names, like “Al Pal” (because he had an alligator whose tag said “My Pal Al”) and “Alex Capalex” (I don’t know where that came from).

The most, uh, unique (some may call it strange) nickname is the one that stuck, and now even my parents use it. When Alex was about 2 ½, we were talking about his favorite flavors of ice cream, and Brian mentioned peanut butter swirl. All Alex got out of that was the “peanut” and the “swirl,” although he thought Brian had said “squirrel.” All of a sudden he started calling himself “peanut squirrelly.”

And the name stuck. Now he’s our little “Peanut Squirrel,” often shortened to one or the other. “Peanut” is a relatively common term of endearment for a child, but I’ve certainly never heard anyone else refer to her child as “Squirrel.” It seems fitting for Alex because he can be a little, well, squirrelly—acting a bit secretive, as if he’s hiding something (although he’s never hiding nuts). Unlike the squirrels, however, he always has a little gleam in his eye and we know he’s just playing around. For a 4-year-old, he’s awfully good at teasing.

Fortunately squirrels have always had a soft spot in my heart, not because of my love of rodents, but because they are sort of an unofficial mascot for my university. When people return to campus they are always happy to see (and sometimes feed) the squirrels.

So there you have it. I have admitted to referring to my son as a bushy-tailed, beady-eyed rodent—but always with affection. What nicknames do you have for your children?

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

I'll always think he's perfect

By Amy M.

I opened up the envelope with a mixture of anticipation, nervousness, a tiny bit of fear and a tiny bit of sadness. It was Alex’s final progress report from his first year at his Montessori preschool. I wasn’t sure what to expect, because his mid-year report had left me less than ecstatic.

The report we received back in January confirmed that my son is not perfect —something I suspected, but now I had it in writing. It said that generally he’s a great kid, but sometimes he forgets his manners and he doesn’t always like to share. Oh no, I thought. I have one of THOSE kids. The ones other parents glare at while reassuring themselves that their own children act like mini versions of Emily Post.

When I called my mom and told her that her grandson was not quite perfect, she laughed at me. He’s 3 years old, she reminded me. What do you expect?

I knew she was right, but that didn’t stop my fingers from trembling a little when I opened that year-end progress report. This one was a bit different, and instead rated his progress on Montessori-specific “pieces of work” (Montessori lingo) that involved learning letters and numbers, sounding out words, improving hand-eye coordination, etc. He was doing well in all areas. Phew, a sigh of relief.

But then I noticed the personal comments from his teachers. I’ll admit, that’s what I was really interested in. I know Alex is a smart kid and am confident in his developing language and math skills. But do his teachers think he is as funny and engaging and adorable as I do? Is he the smartest kid in the class?

I admit, I was an over-achiever in school. Valedictorian in high school, Phi Beta Kappa in college, etc. Sure, I’m proud of my accomplishments, although I realize now that my G.P.A. has had little to no influence on my career progression — or, more importantly, on my abilities as a mother. But because of my perfectionist tendencies, I want my son to excel in school, academically and socially.

Well, his teachers’ comments confirmed that he really is a great kid. My eyes welled up when I read what they had to say about him. Of course, because he’s only three, they didn’t address his “academic” progress, but it was definitely nice to read that they enjoyed having him in class.

Maybe they say that about all the kids. Or maybe not. They didn’t have to write any personal comments at all. But they gave glowing reports of my son, and that is what’s important.

This first experience with report cards was a learning one for me. It’s going to be a few years before Alex’s grades are really important, before they are an indication of his true skills and abilities. So I need to stop worrying. By all accounts he’s a smart, well-adjusted, engaging little boy. I just hope someone will remind me of this the next time he gets more checks in the “satisfactory” column instead of the “excellent” column.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Keeping the faith

by Amy M.

We took Alex to synagogue for the first time recently, to a family Shabbat service followed by a potluck. He loved it. He got to wear a funny “hat,” sing songs, eat pizza and run rampant around the temple’s assembly room, stopping occasionally to pop cookies into his mouth. What’s not to like?

Because we do not yet belong to the temple, we went as my parents’ guests. It brought back some memories for me, because this was the synagogue where I had my bat mitzvah. It even brought back memories for my husband, who remembers standing on a creaky board during the ceremony nearly 20 years ago (yes, we go waayyy back).

Because I grew up in a small, rural town with a miniscule Jewish population, each Sunday my parents drove my brother and me to a town an hour away (the town where I now live) so we could go to Sunday School. It was important to them that we get some exposure to Judaism and that we have bar/bat mitzvahs. Going to the twice-weekly Hebrew classes wasn’t feasible, so my parents paid a tutor to help us learn how to read the language—in other words, memorize the prayers—in the year leading up to our respective ceremonies.

Being the only Jewish kids in our school wasn’t easy. I was smart enough to realize that most of the teasing was due to ignorance. My health teacher took ignorance to new levels when he told me he thought Jewish boys were circumcised at their bar mitzvahs. Now I didn’t expect this man to really know anything about a bar mitzvah, but did he actually believe a 13-year-old boy would expose his nether regions to a sharp blade—in front of an audience?

That comment was good for a laugh, but another incident wasn’t quite as humorous. I was able to overlook rude comments from classmates, but I wasn’t sure how to react when my physics teacher asked if I was going to write in Hebrew on an exam so the kid beside me couldn’t copy. I was so shocked that I think I just chuckled. Now I realize I had a good case for harassment. I know I wasn’t the only one who despised that man—even his daughter has chosen to escape his influence by moving half-way around the world.

This post wasn’t supposed to be about my experience growing up Jewish, but I thought the background would provide some insight into my feelings about instilling religious beliefs in my son. Although Brian is not Jewish, we always planned to raise our children in the Jewish faith. Alex will start Sunday School in a couple years and it won’t be long before he knows more about Judaism than I do.

I’m already starting to feel like a hypocrite. I say I want to raise Alex to be Jewish—for him to realize there’s more to it than getting presents for Hanukkah—but when the time comes, I won’t want to give up every Sunday morning to take him to religious school. And the twice-weekly Hebrew classes? I don’t even want to go there.

I know, though, that we’ll do it. Like anything you’re committed to, you figure out a way to make it work—to make it part of your lifestyle. It’s just that it’s new territory. Growing up, my family celebrated all the major Jewish holidays, but those celebrations, and attendance at services, were just blips on the radar screen, in between swim meets and piano lessons and homework and dance classes. Being Jewish wasn’t really part of who I was.

But I want Alex’s faith to be part of who he is. That means I’m going to have to educate myself, so I can answer my son’s inevitable questions about his religion and show him that being Jewish is something we are every day, every minute—not just on Rosh Hashanah or Hanukkah or Passover.

Brian will be supportive, although I’m sure he does not feel compelled to learn everything he can about Judaism. I don’t either, but I definitely need to become more knowledgeable. Right now the only thing I do “religiously” is go to the gym.

I guess admitting my lack of knowledge—and the need to do something about it—is the first step. So what’s next? I’m sure I could find some adult religious education classes, but that wouldn’t be my thing. I want to learn at my own pace, focusing on what interests me the most.

Ah, the Internet, of course. I always knew it was good for something other than shopping.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

 

Dude looks like a lady

by Amy M.

“Pop, you can’t eat that. That’s lady food,” Alex declared. He drew out “lady” as if it were the most insulting term that had ever passed his lips. For him, in that situation, I guess it sort of was.

Alex was referring to the Chinese “veggie delight” at Wegmans grocery store, where we were grabbing dinner with my dad. Every time we eat there (yes, it happens at least once a week), I get some of those vegetables. Combine my veggie habit with the fact that Alex has never seen a male family member eat anything green other than M&Ms and jelly beans, and his observation makes sense.

It was one of those particularly funny comments that quickly spread throughout our family. We still joke about it, but make sure Alex understands that eating his vegetables will make him “big and strong.” Fortunately he loves carrots and spinach, which is more than I can say for his father or grandfather.

Over the past few weeks, he has made some other interesting male/female distinctions. When the Disney princesses show came on recently, he said we had to change the channel because “princesses are for girls.” Yes, a stereotype. But if he’s falling prey to stereotypes, then why is his favorite color pink?

Alex is equally enthusiastic about his toy kitchen and his cars and trucks. On a recent trip to the toy store to use a gift card left over from Hanukkah, he chose a set of pots and pans with matching utensils and pot holders. However, he doesn’t “cook” much with his new equipment—instead, he uses the tops of the pots as cymbals. Some would say that’s stereotypical “boy” behavior. Until they see the turquoise feather boa around his neck.

You probably have quite an image in your mind already, but picture this: your three-year-old son driving his miniature John Deere “Gator” (how much more manly can you get?) around the yard like a pro, taking the uneven terrain in stride. No pile of leaves or fallen branches is too much for him. He’s even wearing eye protection—in the form of pink and green sunglasses with a little Minnie Mouse in the corner of one of the lenses. He’ll proudly tell you he picked those glasses out himself.

I used to be bothered when I heard him say something was just for boys or just for girls. But then I had to remind myself that I’m not the only one who’s influencing his thinking or shaping his opinions. It’s not my “fault” that he thinks princesses are just for girls. We live in a society that is still full of male and female stereotypes. All I can do is encourage him to develop his own likes and dislikes, and to be confident in his choices and in himself. Besides, it takes a confident man to wear pink, right?

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

More Jekyll than Hyde

By Amy M.

My sweet, precious, perfect little boy has been acting, well, less than perfect. His demands and his defiance have reached an all-time high.

"No, I'm not going to sit at the table for dinner. The couch is the only place I'm going to sit," he declares in a sing-song voice.

Threats of no dinner or no more videos don't cause him to back down. He takes matters into his own hands, strolling over to the DVD player and popping in one of his favorites.

While I'm seething, he settles on the couch and then asks sweetly, "Mommy, where's my dinner?"

I admit that I sometimes end up letting him eat his dinner on the couch. He probably wouldn't care that much about skipping dinner, but because he has never been a good eater, I would never make him go without a meal as punishment.

He has been having more frequent "time-outs" in his room. I don't think they're working. It's not like his room is a bare cell; it's filled to the brim with toys and books and even a TV (although, fortunately, he has never thought to turn it on during one of his time-outs). Sometimes, a few minutes into the time-out, we'll even hear him chattering and singing to himself in his room. Yeah, some punishment.

One of his most frustrating -- and at the same time, amusing -- habits is saying, "NO, this is the deal," followed by him stating his own plans, which are obviously different from ours. It's hard not to laugh when you realize your 3-year-old is unknowingly mimicking you.

We try to be patient and maintain our sense of humor. It's hard to get really angry with a kid who says things like, "Mommy, you smell good, but I'm not going to eat you." Or who wakes you up in the morning by wrapping his arms around your neck and saying, "I love you."

So we'll get through this. We're certainly not the first to deal with a tyrannical 3-year-old who has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Let's just hope the Jekyll side of him starts to show through more often.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Back in the family bed

By Amy M.

We are "enjoying" a family bed again. I have written several times over the past 18 months about where Alex sleeps. DotMoms readers shared in our triumph when we successfully switched Alex to a "big boy bed" and commiserated when I shared how he insisted I lie down with him in order for him to fall asleep. I still must lie down with him -- but now it's in MY bed. All he wants to do on his own bed is jump.

On the one hand, I feel like this is a phase that will eventually pass. On the other, I feel like the longer I let this go on, the harder it will be to break him of the habit. Fortunately we have a king-size bed, because sleeping with Alex means we also sleep with a menagerie of stuffed animals, assorted favorite blankets, and occasionally even a toy car or other small -- and often hard! -- toy to which he is attached.

Alex can be an intense child. He is adamant about his likes and dislikes, his fun and his fears. His expressive little face just falls if we tell him he has to start sleeping in his own bed. Sure, we could try a preschooler's version of "crying it out." But we value our own sleep too much to put up with that at 9 p.m., especially when we know he'll willingly go to sleep in our bed.

I'm not asking for advice here -- if I have not already heard it all, I've heard enough of it -- although some more commiseration would be nice. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. Sure, it can be annoying having to share my bed with Alex's family of stuffed animals (at least they’re soft!), but sharing with Alex means I get extra snuggle time with my boy. And that's something I'm not going to complain about.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

More than a squeeze

By Amy M.

Recently when Alex was spending the day with my mom, he noticed a picture of me when I was pregnant. My mom explained that he was in my tummy. “But if I got cold, how did she get a blanket in there?” he asked.

“She didn’t need a blanket to keep you warm in her tummy,” my mom said. “Why?” he asked, as he always does. Alex does not accept any answer at face value.

I’m not sure what exactly my mom told him, but he finally accepted that he didn’t need a blanket to keep him warm before he was born. However, then he asked the question all parents dread: how did I come out?

Not wanting to get into too much detail with a 3-year-old (and because she wanted to leave the “where did I come from?” discussion to me and Brian), my mom said something to the effect that when babies are ready to be born, they are squeezed out of their mommy’s body. To which Alex responded: “So I was squeezed out like ketchup?”

I think my mom was so surprised and amused she didn’t know what to say. Alex came up with quite an analogy. If only giving birth had been that easy. I never imagined that the most painful experience in my life would be compared to dispensing a condiment.

But it’s those comments that make it all worthwhile. The pain during childbirth, the sleepless nights, the frustration at raising a rambunctious and demanding preschooler --all that pales when your child says something so funny, or so smart, or so sweet that you want to freeze that moment in time. Although I didn’t actually hear the ketchup comment myself, Alex has made many others that caused me to well up inside in a way I never experienced before.

So, dear Alex, although giving birth to you was not quite as easy as squirting ketchup on a burger, you’re worth it -- and you were worth it before you were even born.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

In a minute

By Amy M.

Have you ever counted how many times you've said "In a minute: to your child? I'm afraid to do it. Right now it feels like it comes out of my mouth every 30 seconds. It's not that I don't want to play with my son, but sometimes there are things I really HAVE to do instead. Yes, I know the dishes can wait. But when you work in an office full-time and you go to bed when your child does (around 9:30–10 p.m.), sometimes there are things you really need to do other than playing "band" for the umpteenth time.

During a recent weekend when we didn't have any planned activities outside the house, I realized how challenging it is to, well, play with your child all day long. I know, I know -- stay-at-home moms can shoot me now. I have always greatly admired women who stay home with their kids because I don't think I could do it without going crazy.

After a brief period when Alex wasn't too interested in playing with toys at all, suddenly he's very interested. And he wants me to play with him. But as soon as I sit down, my mind starts to wander … to laundry that needs to be folded, bills that need to be paid, dinner that needs to be cooked. Why can't I just focus on my son, who is really the most important and fulfilling "job" I'll ever have?

I admit I'm a "doer." I always have to be DOING something, and feel guilty if I sit down to do anything mindless or relaxing. Sometimes I feel like playing with Alex does not qualify as "doing" something. Of course I know that is not the case. Playing with my son is the most important thing I will ever HAVE to do. But it doesn't help me get the laundry done.

I know I'm not the only mom who deals with these feelings. So how do others handle them? How do you find a balance between playing with your children and encouraging their autonomy so you can get the rest of your life in order?

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

How much is too much?

By Amy M.

Like many people do at the start of a new year, I’ve recently assessed my “state of affairs.” Namely, the state of my home, and the mass amounts of clutter it contains. I’m usually pretty good about keeping things as neat and uncluttered as possible considering I have a 3-year-old (just don’t drop in unannounced!). But the Hanukkah and Christmas (we celebrate both) deluge of gifts has left me a bit overwhelmed with all the stuff that needs to find a permanent home, rather than scattered in front of the Christmas tree or still sitting in its box.

That’s right, there are many gifts unopened (unwrapped, but still in their boxes). Which brings me to the main point of this post. How do other parents avoid going overboard when buying gifts for their children -- especially if you have only one child? 

I love to shop for anything and everything, so I’m proud that I managed to refrain somewhat during this holiday season. But that was because I knew relatives and friends were buying gifts for Alex, too. I knew he would have a huge number of gifts under the tree at my in-laws’ house, and several gifts for each night of Hanukkah from my side of the family.

Months ago, I had asked my parents and my in-laws to please not buy Alex as many gifts as they did last year, and instead deposit some money in his college fund. My request was fueled by the desire to pad that college fund, minimize the clutter caused by toys he never plays with and teach him to appreciate all the toys he already has. They did not exactly listen, but they find so much joy in picking out presents for him that I just let it go.

I was pretty spoiled as a child when it came to material things, although I understood that other kids were not so lucky. My parents taught me compassion and the importance of helping those less fortunate, and set examples through their generosity and volunteerism. Brian and I are struggling to do the same with Alex. He helped us select several toys to give to Toys for Tots, and he observed my collection of items for needy families that my mothers’ group “adopted.”

It’s so hard not to be affected -- and influenced -- by the rampant materialism and consumerism in our society. I know I am, but at least I realize it. Right now Alex is too young to really understand there are kids out there who don’t have loads of toys and books and clothes like he does. I remind him, but he doesn’t “get it” yet.

So is it possible to spoil your child without making him “spoiled”? I can’t blame Alex for being demanding if I always give him everything his little heart desires. Where do other parents draw the line when it comes to buying non-necessities for their children?

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.