DotMoms

It's all about the lip gloss

By Robin P.

The day after my mother's 70th birthday party, Rich said, "I didn't think it was appropriate for the girls to be wearing makeup." The girls are our nieces, who are 9 years old and 6 1/2 years old. I explained, "They only had a teeny tiny bit of blush on and clear lip gloss. Besides, I let Lillianna wear lip gloss last night." Rich replied, "And I didn't like that either."

For me, those were fighting words. I have had a love affair with lip gloss since I was 10 years old. It all started when I saw a TV commercial for a fast food restaurant. There was a girl about my age in the commercial and she wore a gorgeous, white, fluffy winter coat with matching hat and a muff for her hands. I was mesmerized by that outfit until I saw her shiny lips, which fascinated me. What made them so shiny? It was 1973, the same year that Bonne Bell lip smackers first came on the scene.

Every time that commercial came on, I studied the girl's lips. The shine seemed to make her whole face sparkle and come alive. OK, maybe it was the oil from the french fries she was advertising that made everything so shiny, but that didn't occur to me back then. I wanted that look!

I stood in front of the mirror and licked my lips. They were still dull. I licked again. Too much. I realized I was drooling on myself. I wiped my lips dry and tried again. Finally I got the look I wanted, but the feeling of wet lips grossed me out and I rubbed the back of my arm across my mouth until my lips were completely dry. Then I looked in the mirror. My mouth looked red and sore. There had to be a better way!

One day, my friend and I were at the mall and I saw a display for lip gloss. I had never heard of lip gloss so I went over to investigate. The picture on the display showed a girl with shiny lips. This was it! This was the secret I had been waiting to uncover. I bought a tube of shiny strawberry goodness and immediately rolled it across my lips. BINGO! I found my treasure!

For some reason, wearing lip gloss always made me feel like I could do anything. When I was sad during my teen years, a new lip gloss could perk me right up. I had every single flavor that Bonne Bell made. To this day, I still feel powerful when I wear lip gloss, even though I don't wear fruit flavors anymore.

So you can see why Rich's disapproval of our daughter and our nieces wearing lip gloss got under my skin. I don't approve of "real" makeup for kids because I believe, even for adults, when it comes to makeup, less is more.

I finally looked at Rich and patiently explained, "You were never a little girl searching for the secret of shiny lips, so you don't get a say in this. For me and the little girls in our family, it's all about the lip gloss!" He simply nodded and never brought the subject up again.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Mom's life lessons

By Robin P.

When Lillianna was younger, I patiently taught her to put the shaped blocks in the right slot, tie her shoes, brush her teeth, use the potty, read and do many other things. Now that she is only months away from turning 10, it seems the lessons I am teaching her are more complicated.

I teach her to have confidence in her fashion sense, "If you feel comfortable in it, wear it! It's OK to be creative."

I encourage her to try new foods, "If you don't like it, spit it out. At least try it. That's how I found out I liked fettuccine Alfredo!"

I let her know she should always trust her gut feelings. "If you don't like the way Erica treats you, it's OK not to be friends with her."

These are some of the life lessons I've been building on for years and I recently had a chance to see how well she's learning them when I went with Lillianna and her Brownie troop on a weekend getaway to Pine Grove, a dude ranch in the Catskills.

It was a mother and daughter weekend, and we were excited to embark on this unique adventure. We were a bit reluctant when we thought about horseback riding since our previous experience was a pony ride at the local fair many years ago, but we decided we would try as many new things as possible.

It was hard to know whether my child would embrace the new challenges or turn away in fear. I wasn't 100 percent sure which way I was headed myself. But I was pleasantly surprised by both of us.

Although horseback riding was cut short (it only lasted 10 minutes) due to our horses -- which had their own ideas about where they felt like going -- I was proud we tried it.

When it came time for archery, Lillianna became a bit frustrated until she saw me try it. I hadn't seen a bow and arrow since I was 11 years old at summer camp. I felt very confident as I stretched my bow as far as I could. My first arrow fell directly at my feet. The instructor told me that I had the arrow on the wrong side. I think Lillianna loosened up a bit on her next try when she saw that Mom didn't get it right the first time around either. Even though I hit a few hay stacks with my stray arrows, Lillianna hugged me and said I did a good job.

Lunch on the first day was a barbeque and I was thrilled when Lillianna ate a hamburger, since it's something she has only eaten a few times in her life. She didn't complain that there wasn't anything for her to eat. She just put a hamburger on her plate with some corn and fruit and happily gobbled it down. It may seem like a little thing, but I was very proud of her.

Every night, there was a dance club for the girls, since the whole dude ranch was filled with 400 girl scouts that weekend. Many girls from other troops dressed up in mini-skirts and short tops for the "night club," but Lillianna and her friends went to the club in their comfy pajamas. It made us laugh because the girls felt confident enough to wear what they wanted and they weren't bothered by the girls who had dressed up. They danced late into the night in style and comfort.

The weekend away with Lillianna and her friends was amazing. I realized that I've raised a funny, adventurous, loving and confident girl. Of course, I still have a lot more to teach, and we both have a lot to learn. Life lessons are never ending!

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

A blessing in disguise

By Robin P.

I hate change, unless I'm the one who initiates it. When change just happens to me I feel helpless and overwhelmed. So, when my husband Rich came home from work one night in January and announced that the pool supply and furniture store that he had been working at for six years had decided to close on Tuesdays for February and maybe March, my throat closed up and I was on the brink of an anxiety attack.

Rich would not be allowed to take that forced day off as a vacation or sick day. We would just have to lose one day's pay a week for two months. We were already in a tough financial situation and we just couldn't take this kind of loss. Then, after the first two weeks of being off on Tuesdays, Rich and a couple of his co-workers were laid off.

I didn't know what we were going to do. I was already working two jobs and completely exhausted. I didn't see how we were going to make this work.

In April, he was hired by a company that offered medical and dental coverage. I had been working at a local hospital nights and weekends for the past four and a half years because we needed dental insurance. I hated the hours and how much time I was away from my family but I had to do it. Now, with Rich's new job, I could quit the hospital.

I started this job when Lillianna was 5 years old. It was easier then because her needs were so different. Now at 9 1/2, she needs me to be home more. I have missed selling Girl Scout cookies with her on the weekends. I have missed birthday parties and family get togethers. It was heart breaking to hear Lillianna say, "I wish you were here, Mommy. You're missing all the fun!" Most times Rich and Lillianna were at my sister's house enjoying a cookout while I was at work. It just didn't seem fair.

Rich and I have been doing what I call tag-team parenting during the past few years. One of us is always with Lillianna but we are rarely both with her due to our work schedules. That was sad and frustrating for all of us. I didn't feel like we were really a family. We needed a change.

When Rich started his new job in April, I gave four weeks notice at the hospital. I also told my manager at my other job that I wanted to work additional hours there. I have been an ophthalmic technician for almost 17 years and I have had a love/hate relationship with that job. Since it pays more than the hospital and my hours are very flexible, I knew it was going to be the solution that I had been seeking. I decided to love it again.

Now I work five mornings a week while Lillianna is in school. I also work some Saturdays, but I'm done at noon instead of 7:30 p.m., like when I worked at the hospital. My mom will take care of Lillianna three days a week during summer vacation so I can work full days and have even more time with my family on weekends.

Mother's Day was my first day off from the hospital. It was such a strange feeling to sleep past 4:30 a.m. on a Sunday. I loved it! We ended up doing three family things that day. Rich said I looked happy and relaxed. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. My new schedule is much more suited to my needs and the needs of my family. We can enjoy one another instead of running in different directions all of the time.

I went into a panic when Rich was laid off, but it truly was a blessing in disguise.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Learning to say goodbye

By Robin P.

As a child, I said goodbye to my friends and family without any thought at all. Until the summer of 1976.

When I was 13 years old, Nana and Papa took me to California to visit Papa's older brother Abe and his wife, and his younger brother Barney and his wife. After a two-week visit, it was time to say goodbye. The three couples stood solemnly in a circle. I began to notice tears silently streaming down everyone's face as they took turns hugging one another.

I tapped Nana lightly on the shoulder and whispered, "Why is everyone crying?" She leaned over and said, "We're never going to see each other again." I thought she was being dramatic. I told Nana that Massachusetts was only a six-hour plane ride from California. They could come visit us whenever they wanted. She shook her head and gently patted my shoulder. Then she turned with tears in her eyes and continued hugging her in-laws.

A few years later Uncle Abe died. Not long after, his wife Mary died. That's when I understood what Nana meant. Then I felt very sad because I hadn't realized I'd never see them again. I became more aware of goodbyes after that.

Living in Israel from 1985-1987 was a great experience but there were a lot of goodbyes. After the first few tear-filled goodbyes to friends who were returning to their own country, I learned that the best way for me to handle this was to be in denial until the very last minute and then say my goodbye quickly. Dragging it out just made it more painful. This technique has served me well over the years.

This past December, I had the opportunity to begin taking care of a beautiful 9-month-old baby girl named Alex. She moved to Massachusetts with her 2-year-old brother to live with her grandparents while her own parents were in the military.

I took care of her three days a week and we fell in love with Alex on the very first day; she instantly became a part of our family. We were told that we would have her until August, so I talked about this with Lillianna many times so that she would be prepared for the day we had to say goodbye.

I thought we had it under control until we got the news in February that Alex was going home the second week of March. Her mom was not being deployed after all and she was coming to take the kids home.

I guess no matter how much I want to fool myself, I have to realize that I do get attached to the people I love and saying goodbye will just never be easy. I figured I'd do my denial thing and pretend up until the last possible moment. I'd bring Alex to her grandmother at the regular time on her last day, kiss her head and drive away. That sounded like a good and familiar plan to me. Then I wondered about Lillianna.

"What is the best way for you to say goodbye to Alex on her last day?" I asked her one night over dinner. She thought for a moment and said, "Well, I'll need more time with her on that Thursday. You can't just pick me up from Brownies at 5 p.m. and then drop her off. I need time to say goodbye and to play with her."

That was the complete opposite of what I needed for myself, but I agreed, because my 9-year-old's feelings about this were more important than mine. So, on the last day, we spent an extra hour with Alex. While I washed dishes and sobbed into the sink, LIllianna laughed and played with Alex in the living room.

When it was almost time for Alex to be picked up by her grandmother, Lillianna said, "I want to meet her mother. She has to come and pick her up." We knew that Alex's mom had flown in that afternoon, so I asked if she could come get her. Her mom agreed.

We had a wonderful visit with Alex's mom, whom we had never met until that day. She brought me flowers and thanked me for taking such good care of her daughter. I got to show off all of Alex's accomplishments, and Lillianna and I got to see Alex and her mom interact. After an hour, they got ready to leave. Lillianna and I said goodbye to Alex and we gave her all of Lillianna's books that she had loved at our house. She could take a part of us with her. We said we'd make her a scrapbook and send it when it was finished so that she could remember us.

I have to give credit to my very clever daughter. This was a goodbye with closure and it ended with more smiles than tears. I'll have to remember this the next time I have a difficult good-bye to say.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Marriage is hard work

By Robin P.

"Guess who's getting divorced?" I asked my husband Rich, sadly. He thought for a moment and then named one of my friends. I was stunned. "How did you know?" I was completely floored that he would've guessed this particular couple. He was silent for a moment and then said quietly, "I was kidding."

Of the eight weddings Rich and I have been to over the past 13 years, five of them have ended in divorce. My marriage could have been one of them.

In 2003, Rich announced he didn't want to be married anymore and he was leaving. It came out of nowhere to me, and I was absolutely stunned. Sure we had problems, who didn't? I thought couples just worked them out. I was willing to try counseling again but Rich didn't want to.

One month later we moved out of the house we were renting. Lillianna and I moved into an apartment and Rich moved in with his friend down the street from us. It was one of the worst times in my life. I thought we'd be together forever. Apparently forever was only going to be nine years.

After six months, Rich said he was willing to try counseling again. Luckily, our new therapist was wonderful and he helped to save our marriage. It hasn't been an easy road, but we both know that we love each other and we want to make our marriage better than it's ever been.

I jokingly blame my parents for making me think marriage was easy. Growing up, our house was filled with music, laughter and love. I would often find Dad sneaking up on Mom to give her a hug while she was cooking. They were frequently snuggled up on the couch or in bed watching TV. They didn't fight. Mom occasionally rolled her eyes at Dad when he did something she disapproved of, but what wife hasn't done that?

I know their life was not perfect, but they made it look effortless. Maybe that's why I didn't think my marriage would be as much work as it has been.

There were times, especially during our separation, when I felt guilty about the effect this was having on Lillianna. She was only five years old at that time and it was so difficult for her. Now, at 9 years old, she can see the daily struggles that Rich and I are going through but I think it's healthy for her.

I think Lillianna is learning that marriage isn't all about the wedding cake and the presents. It's losing a job and trying to pay the bills, caring for a sick spouse, encouraging each other when one wants to try a new career, raising a child together and loving one another in good times and bad.   

I am so glad that Rich and I are still together, but I am very sad for our friends who are struggling with divorce or the aftermath of divorce. I can see how difficult it is for them and for their children.

Some of these divorces were mutual, but some were not and that makes it even more difficult for the spouse who didn't want to end the marriage. For those friends, I pray that their hearts will heal quickly and that they will be able to move on.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

When growing up means growing apart

By Robin P.

I met my friend Robin when we were six years old. Since I was new to the neighborhood, one of my mom's friends brought me down the street to meet her. We were a perfect match and became inseparable for the next seven years.

Robin had two brothers who were teenagers, so they were out of the house a lot. Her parents owned a restaurant which kept them busy, so Robin was at my house quite a bit. That was just fine with us because we loved being together. No matter what we did, we had a good time. Robin spent so much time at our house that she became a part of our family.

In 1975, we entered junior high school. Robin wanted to join the cheerleading squad. I helped her practice her cheers and her backward handsprings for tryouts. I was happy for her when she made the squad. We were only about a month into 7th grade when I noticed Robin begin to act differently. She finally admitted that she had begun smoking cigarettes.

I was stunned. I thought we were too young to smoke. She also started to be flirty with boys and hang out with other girls who were interested in flirting. I liked boys, but from a distance; I didn't want to flirt with them or date them. Over the next few months, I felt Robin leaving me behind as she embraced new friends.

One day, I overheard some girls talking about Robin's upcoming boy-girl party. Her parents were going away for the weekend and she was supposedly having the party of the century. I thought that was odd because she hadn't told me anything about it. After a couple of days I realized something was wrong. I got up my courage to ask Robin if she was really having a party and if she was planning on inviting me. She hesitated for a moment and then said, "It's not really your kind of party. Plus, you'll tell your mother and then my parents will find out so I'd rather that you not come."

After a few minutes of stunned silence, a tear slipped down my cheek. I looked down at my feet because I didn't want her to see how much she had hurt me. Reluctantly she said, "You can come if you really want to." I was still in shock. Not knowing what to do, I quietly thanked her and walked away.

I ended up going to her party and having a terrible time. The main attraction was spin-the-bottle. I was quite uncomfortable with this game and I'm sure it showed. Everyone else was anxious to kiss and be kissed. I went in the other room before the bottle pointed in my direction. I left early, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief as I walked down the street to go home. This wasn't my idea of fun at all and I was happy to be free from the stress.

I had to finally admit that Robin and I had grown apart. We were still friendly towards one another but we were never really friends from then on. In 8th grade she moved a few towns away and we rarely saw each other.

It was very difficult to handle the loss of this friendship, but I eventually understood that we were not meant to be lifelong friends. Our interests had gone in completely different directions.

My daughter Lillianna has made some very close friendships over the years. At 9 years old, I am sure she doesn't ever think that there will be a time when her friends will not be in her life. My husband Rich and I often wonder which friends will still be by Lillianna's side in middle school and high school and even as an adult. It will be interesting to see.

If she does part ways with one of her friends, at least she won't have to go through it alone.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Buckle down, buckle up

By Robin P.

When Lillianna was three years old, my mom took her in the car without buckling her in the car seat. Lillianna had been at the playground and she was stung by a bee. In a panic, Mom drove her to my aunt's house to figure out what to do about the bee sting. I was horrified when Lillianna told me, "Nana didn't buckle me, Mom. She said it was OK." I was not happy about this. How could she put my child at risk like that? Mom's explanation was, "I just took her down the street. We didn't go far." Clearly, she thought I was being overprotective.

Mom reminded me,"When you were a baby, we didn't have car seats. You were in a car bed that we just threw in the back seat. You weren't buckled to anything, and you're still alive." I just chalked that up to people being uninformed back in the '60s. Now that we know how to keep our children safe, I think we should do it.

Last year, during Lillianna's eight-year checkup at the pediatrician's office, I asked if she could come out of her booster seat. According to her height and weight, her doctor said no, not yet. Her own son was Lillianna's age and in the same situation. He was also unhappy he had to remain in his booster seat. Lillianna said she would do whatever the doctor said because she knew I was just trying my best to keep her safe.

A couple of months ago, after I checked all the rules and regulations in our state, Lillianna was able to ride in the car without her booster seat. She acted like she had been let out of jail. She was giddy with delight as she thanked me a million times for putting her seat in the trunk. She finally felt like she had taken a step toward adulthood.

Every parent has to do what she believes is right for her child and I often wonder why some parents don't seem to take car safety seriously.

I have seen 3-year-olds and 5-year-olds I know riding in cars without booster seats. I have seen 8-year-old boys get picked up together at school who are never buckled in their SUV. They live near us, so as we drive home we're often behind them and after they jump into the storage area in the back, we watch them fool around.

When I read the story about the infant who was abducted in Florida, my first reaction was, "Is that mother crazy? She didn't have a rear facing infant seat with her. How could she even think to let her baby get into a car without the proper seat?"

While I believe every parent should decide what's best for his or her child, I do judge those who break the law by not keeping kids safe in a car. I think of it as child abuse, as do many of my friends.

How do you handle car seats?

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Are all holiday greetings created equal?

By Robin P.

Over the past few years, there has been a lot of emphasis on being politically correct during the holidays. Last year was the first time I heard that "Merry Christmas" was no longer acceptable. It was replaced with, "Happy Holidays." I couldn't help but ask myself, "Is this the most important thing we have to worry about?"

As a child, the people who knew that I was Jewish wished me a "Happy Chanukah." If I was wished a  "Merry Christmas" I didn't stomp my feet and point an accusing finger at the well wisher and say, "I don't celebrate Christmas" and walk away in a huff. I accepted their nice greeting and wished them the same in return.

Last year, there was a nearby school that banned students from wearing clothes with a red and green combination for their yearly holiday song festival. It was too "Christmasy" and might offend those who did not celebrate Christmas. The students could wear that color combo during the regular school year, but not during Christmas or during the concert. I laughed when I first heard that and then I wanted to cry.

What is wrong with this world? I like to wear blue and white during Chanukah and I proudly wear my Chanukah jewelry the whole eight days. I have menorah and dreidl earrings, and I have a beautiful blue Star of David pin. If someone told me I couldn't wear this because it was too offensive, I'd still wear it. Whatever happened to freedom of expression? Who is actually offended by this?

I also enjoy wearing my Christmas jewelry once Chanukah is over. My husband Rich isn't Jewish and I have celebrated Christmas with him and with our friends for many years. It's fun and gets people into the holiday spirit. Isn't that what this is all about?

We live in such a stress-filled world. We are all trying to do our best and we feel like we are falling short each day. When December rolls around, we try to get into a better frame of mind. We sing holiday songs. We decorate our homes. We give food and money to charities because we don't want people to go without. We think less about ourselves and more about others. It's a great feeling.

Instead of honking our horn in rage at a car that wants to pass us, we let them go ahead. We smile more. We love stronger. It's December and the holidays put us in a different mind set for a short time. It's uplifting and we should enjoy it.

Why, then, are we hung up on the holiday greeting? Why are we so quick to be offended? When someone wishes me a happy anything, I translate it this way: "I hope you spend this holiday with people who love you. I wish you joy and peace and I hope you can carry this in your heart the whole year through. Enjoy!"

That's a beautiful message and I hear it every time someone says,"Merry Christmas," "Happy Chanukah," "Happy Kwanzaa" or "Happy Holidays." I hear the same message in every greeting because I listen with my heart.

Do you think all holiday greetings are acceptable?

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

The reluctant entertainer

By Robin P.

Lillianna's favorite birthday party has always been a sleepover, but this year there was a slight glitch in our party plans. My sister, Kara, was going to be on her honeymoon on the party date. Kara usually sleeps over with her two stepdaughters and helps me keep the kids in order. Rich just waves when he comes home from work and says, "Hey," to all the kids, then he grabs a pizza and hides in our bedroom for the rest of the night. It's too "girlie" in the living room for him. I have always understood how he felt and never questioned him, but this year, things had to change.

One morning, I casually said, "Um... honey... I hope you realize that with Kara being away, you have to be the other grown-up at Lillianna's party."

He looked up at me with a look of sheer horror. When he finally found his voice, he said, "No, no, no! I get to hide in the bedroom....... right?" I told him there was no way I could handle 14 little 8-and 9-year-old girls by myself so he had to give me a hand. He sighed and nodded his head, "OK. I'll do my best."

On the night of the party, I was thrilled to learn that my friend Suzie was planning to stay until 9 p.m. to help me. While Suzie and I passed out pizza, appetizers and drinks to all the girls, the noise level increased. Rich jumped in and started doing character voices which he is very good at.

When Lillianna yelled out, "Do the crocodile hunter," the girls went crazy. In his best Steve Irwin voice, Rich said, "Crikey, I'm here in the north woods hunting the most dangerous third-grader," and then he'd say one of the girl's names. The girls began to giggle, and then they yelled, "Me next!" Suddenly, Rich became the center of their world.

While he entertained them, Suzie and I sat down at the table by ourselves and had pizza and salad. Even though we were in the same room, we felt like we were on a break. We didn't have to worry about the girls since Rich clearly had them under control.

I organized a couple of games and had them change into their pajamas and find a spot for their sleeping bags. How we fit all those girls into our living room is still a mystery. It was like a jigsaw puzzle. We put in a DVD and turned off the lights. Rich sat in a chair until the last one fell asleep at 12:30 a.m. I had already been asleep for an hour. I'm so glad he is a night owl.

The next morning, while I made breakfast for everyone, Rich performed again. He told jokes and stories and had everyone laughing. After breakfast, I had the girls pack up their sleeping bags and suitcases for their 11 a.m. pick up, which was still four hours away. I was hoping they would play quietly or watch TV, but Rich had other ideas.

He organized them into groups: performers, judges and spectators as he hosted his version of "American Idol. The girls were hilarious. Allison juggled a ball and sang opera. Lillianna and Emily danced and sang a song from "The Cheetah Girls 2" CD. Nicole sang the theme song from "Sponge Bob Square Pants" and Julianne told three jokes and belted out the Shania Twain song, "Honey, I'm Home." The judges were all very kind as they gave high scores for each performance. Everyone had a wonderful time.

After "American Idol," some of the girls noticed Rich's collection of 25mm lead toy soldiers and they asked him about them. He took some of the soldiers he had painted and sat on the couch and gave the girls a history lesson. I would've thought this would've bored these young girls but they were fascinated. They hung on Rich's every word. I could tell that Lillianna was proud that she had such a fun dad.

For someone who was hoping to quietly escape to his bedroom with a nice hot pizza and avoid the chatter of little girls, Rich was the hit of the party. This wasn't the first time he entertained at one of Lillianna's birthday parties, and I know it won't be his last. He can protest all he wants but I know he had as much fun as the girls did. Thank goodness I married an entertaining guy.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

Learning to be assertive

By Robin P.

Lillianna has her Daddy's personality. She is kind,compassionate and loving and she is always the peace maker. I'm proud of those qualities but sometimes I worry about her. I don't want her to sacrifice her own convictions for those of someone who is more assertive.

When she was 3-years-old, she attended her friend Ethan's birthday party at an amusement park. Rich put her on an airplane ride that she had to share with another boy from the party. As the ride went up and down, Rich saw the boy hit her. Lillianna flinched and tried to move away but she was strapped in and had nowhere to go. After the ride,R ich asked Lillianna if that boy had hit her. She said yes. He asked why she didn't hit him back. She said quietly,"I didn't want to be rude to Ethan's friend, Daddy." We tried to explain that no one had the right to hit her or treat her badly. We hoped that would help her if she were ever faced with this situation again.

Two years ago, when Lillianna was in first grade, she and her friend Zach pretended to get married at recess. Zach's mom, Linda and I joked about being in-laws. Lillianna and Zach continued to have a close friendship and last year the talk of being married faded into the background. Linda and I were pleased that the novelty wore off and that the kids weren't focused on that anymore.

Recently, Linda laughed and said, "I heard the kids got married again." I was surprised since I hadn't heard that news from my daughter who normally tells me everything. I casually asked Lillianna about it the other day. She said,"I don't want to talk about it."

I asked her to tell me everything.

She gave a tired little sigh and explained that she re-married against her will. Her friend Angela insisted that Lillianna would be happier if she were back with Zach. First of all, there is no "back." They're not teenagers who are dating. They are friends who act like typical 8-year-olds. Second of all, Lillianna is a very happy child. I believe Angela might be putting her own wishes on to Lillianna.

I have seen Lillianna and Angela play together. Usually, Angela wants Lillianna to do what she tells her to. Even when Lillianna says she doesn't want to, Angela pleads with her until she gives in. I figured this was something that Lillianna would eventually work out for herself.

Lillianna said she told Angela several times that she didn't want to marry Zach again. They were just friends, but Angela is not one to take no for an answer. She handed Lillianna a bouquet of dandelions and conducted a ceremony.

I asked Lillianna why she didn't just walk away. Her answer stopped my heart. "It was just easier to give in to her, Mom."

After all I have taught her about being assertive and not giving in, I was sad to learn that she was still not comfortable standing her ground. I assured her that I was not angry or upset but that we needed to discuss this situation.

"This is exactly how your friends will get you to smoke pot and drink alcohol when you are older. They will keep nagging you and trying to get you to give in. If it's something that goes against what you really want to do, you have to be strong enough to say NO!"

Lillianna never wants to hurt anyone's feelings, which is commendable, but I am afraid that she is going to be a doormat for her more assertive friends. There are several children in her life who are quite overpowering and I want her to be able to have fun with them but I don't want her to give in to their wishes if they are against her own beliefs.

How do you teach your child to stand up for herself?

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.