DotMoms

Author Interview: Sarah Bilston on "Bed Rest"

By Sarah Egelman

Author Sarah Bilston's debut novel Bed Rest presents the story of Quinn Boothroyd, who is faced with a challenging pregnancy.  Everything will be fine, the experts tell her, as long as she maintains bed rest. Bed rest is a reality for many pregnant woman and Bilston's book addresses issues specific to it. However, in doing so she also examines the emotional challenges that accompany all pregnancies. Ms. Bilston took time out of her busy schedule (she is a mom, writer, professor and is herself pregnant right now) to answer a few questions about this interesting and thought-provoking book.

Sarah Egelman: Your protagonist, Q, is ordered bed rest for the last three months of her pregnancy. Why did you choose to focus on bed rest for this novel? Why write about such a physically challenging and emotional complex pregnancy? In what ways do you feel this type of pregnancy is significantly different from a healthier one? In what ways is it typical?

Sarah Bilston: I was placed on bed rest myself two years ago, and frankly I was astonished: I'd never even heard of it! Then I came to realize what a common phenomenon it is (1 in 5 of all pregnant women spend some time on bed rest) and I felt it was a story waiting to be told.

Most of us, when we get pregnant, have some basic expectations: we think we know what pregnancy is going to be like. It'll last 40 weeks, it'll end with labor, and then we'll experience a happy moment of communion with a healthy child. But the truth is, pregnancy doesn't always follow that narrative, and it can be a real shock when things don't go according to plan. I wanted to write about the sense of loss and grief women experience when the dream of a 'normal' pregnancy ends. I also wanted to explore the ways in which women gradually adjust to their new reality.

The most significant difference between a 'normal' and a high-risk pregnancy is the fact that high-risk women, particularly those on bed rest, must surrender their normal lives until the baby is delivered. Of course, bed-resting women can give themselves projects, a routine, and daily challenges to stay sane and productive, but their primary goal, day in, day out, is to keep and grow their baby. It can be challenging to become what Sylvia Plath called "a means, a stage, a cow-in-calf" –- no matter how desperate a woman is to secure her longed-for child's well-being.

Having said that, there are obviously many similarities between healthy and high-risk pregnancies, and it's probably too easy for high-riskers to overestimate how easy a 'normal' pregnancy is! Many common problems in pregnancy –- e.g. morning sickness, joint pain, headaches –- can be debilitating, plus of course many women worry about the health of their child, whether they are high risk or not.

Most women will be able to relate to Q's anxieties about her son and her sense that her body is no longer under her control, therefore [the book] will also strike a chord with even low-risk pregnant women.

Sarah E.: We read Q's story in diary form. Did you play with other forms of narration or was this how you wanted to tell the story from the beginning?

Sarah B.: I turned to the diary form because I wanted to capture the emotional life of a woman on bed rest. The first-person voice seemed the best way to introduce readers to the complexities –- the ups and downs –- of that experience.

Sarah E.: Q is initially quite physically and emotionally isolated during her bed rest and she definitely has to give up quite a bit of control. But, it ends up being an opportunity for introspection and growth. Do you feel pregnancy is, in and of itself, a time of reflection and evaluation? What about a sense of control, over our bodies and emotions, it seems to sometimes be lost, to some extent during any type of pregnancy?

Sarah B.: I wanted to make it clear that bed rest can have a silver lining, so to speak; for Q, it's the first time she's stopped and had the opportunity to think about her life –- who she is, the choices she's made, what her own parents were like, what kind of parent she wants to become. Those are all questions that surface in a 'normal' pregnancy too, of course: pregnancy is inevitably a sort of hiatus from normal life that encourages us to rethink that life.

And yes, I think there are many ways in which what Q is experiencing is simply a more extreme version of what all women experience: she learns that she can't control her body, her emotions, her world as carefully as she thought she could. All good lessons for parenting itself, of course!

Sarah E.: Only about 700,000 American women are prescribed  bed rest every year. How is your subject relatable to moms, moms to be who did not have to go on bed rest? How is it relatable to fathers or those who have never had children?

Sarah B.: First, as I said earlier, one in five of all pregnant women spend some time on bed rest, so it's a realistic prospect for any pregnant woman.

But even beyond the subject of bed rest, I wanted the novel to be about the challenges that couples face when they consider parenthood. Because, after all, for many people pregnancy happens at about the same time as other important life changes: marriage, job promotions, home-buying, the feeling of being 'grown-up' at last.

How do you juggle all of those things at once? How do you adjust psychologically? What gets priority –- and what if husband and wife discover they have different priorities? Everything comes to a head at once, and in the midst of the maelstrom appears a tiny vulnerable being who needs constant attention 24 hours a day. Parenting, particularly in the early days, is not about self, it's about self-sacrifice, and that can be hard for people who have spent the last 5, 10 years focusing on achieving their own goals.

These are issues that just about anyone who decides to have a child must contend with, and I think that makes the novel relevant to many, many different kinds of people.

Sarah E.: In her Washington Post review Leslie Morgan Steiner says Q seems "oddly dispassionate about becoming a mother." How would you characterize Q's emotional state? Are all women wildly passionate about becoming parents? Shouldn't women, even those with planned  pregnancies, be allowed to feel (and verbalize) their anxieties, doubts, and even ambivalence?

Sarah B.: Yes, I was really surprised by that remark. First of all, it seems to me that just about every woman I've ever met, no matter how passionate she is about becoming a mother, experiences a complicated rag-bag of emotions about pregnancy. Feelings of detachment and confusion are inevitably in the mix. Pregnancy –- any pregnancy –- imposes costs on the mother; most of us bear those costs willingly, but that doesn't mean we don't notice or mind them at the same time.

I don't think we're doing women any favors if we suggest that feelings of detachment or even anger are strange and unusual. Particularly if the pregnancy requires strict bed rest for months on end!I wanted to write a novel that acknowledged a whole spectrum of feelings, from devotion to anger; a novel in which a protagonist was honest about everything she was feeling. Yes, Q has chosen to become a mother, but that doesn't mean she's some cardboard-cut-out mommy in twinset and pearls celebrating every single day of her pregnancy.

She's a frustrated, angry, sometimes desperate woman who is struggling to do her best in difficult circumstances. Switch on the TV these days and you'd think mothers are people who get orgasmic pleasure from having a clean kitchen floor. I loathe those images of motherhood, and I really think that those of us who write about contemporary mothering need to counter them with balanced, realistic, honest portraits. I'm proud of "Bed Rest" for trying to do just that.

Sarah E.: The Post review is also critical of the tense relationship between Q and her husband Tom, a lawyer working hard to make partner. Why is their relationship so tense and why should readers be sympathetic to Tom who seems even more unsure about parenthood than Q does?

Sarah B.: Again I thought this was an odd comment; few marriages are perfect! It's quite true that Q's early claim that her marriage is going well is suspect, but I imagine many people are unwilling to admit –- until they really have to -– that their relationship needs work. Tom is in a tough position. Partly it's his fault, partly it's how he's 'made,' so to speak: he's been born and raised and educated to make it to the top of the tree. He loves Q, he wants to have a baby, but the baby's not living inside him, and so the reality of parenthood just hasn't quite hit him yet.

Plus he's still following the old rules, the ones his father instilled in him: get promoted, make money, provide for the kids. He just hasn't fully realized that he needs to give his family emotional, rather than financial, support. He's far from a perfect partner to Q, but he's not a bad man; he's simply a few chapters behind her, so to speak, in terms of reassessing his life and figuring out what he wants to achieve going forward.

Sarah E.:This novel is bound to get categorized as "chick lit." How do you feel about this genre and do you think "Bed Rest" belongs to it?

Sarah B.: You know, I don't actually know very much about modern chick-lit: the kind I know best is the nineteenth-century kind! In my other life, I'm an academic, a professor of English (Victorian) Literature, and I've been researching and publishing on Victorian women's writing for the last decade. There are many ways in which "Bed Rest" is actually a modern version of a Victorian three-decker, complete with a resolutely domestic scene and an incomprehensible husband!

The only thing that does frustrate me about the characterization of the novel as 'chick-lit' is that it makes people take it less seriously; readers go in assuming it must be light and frothy, whereas I think it actually raises some fairly important questions. But writers of women's fiction have been struggling with this for centuries ... If a novel has a female protagonist, if it assumes a predominantly female audience, if it focuses on issues affecting women –- particularly on women's bodies -– expect to find it treated as hormone-ridden fluff!! Sad, but true.

Sarah E.: Q's life becomes full of quirky characters, she finds friends where she didn't expect them. Tell me a bit about your favorite supporting character.

Sarah B.:Definitely Q's mother and her sisters, Alison and Jeanie. I loved creating them; they make me laugh. I also liked forcing Q to reappraise some of her preconceptions about her family as the novel progressed ...

I was incredibly lucky when I was on bed rest: I had tons of support from my husband, my family, and my friends. But I couldn't help wondering how women cope in less-than-ideal circumstances, and as I wrote the novel I worked to show how isolating the experience can be.

Then, as the story progressed, I enjoyed bringing my heroine support from unusual quarters. It was all part of my overall sense that bed rest can be a time to discover new things not only about yourself, but also about the world you live in.

Sarah E.: What have you learned, as a writer, from writing and publishing this novel?

Sarah B.: I've learned that people still find it hard to accept representations of mothers as anything less than 100 percent gung-ho about maternity, and that has really astonished me. I've also learned a lot technically, and I'm enjoying trying to put those skills to work in the sequel to "Bed Rest," which is entitled "Sleepless Nights."

Sarah E.: Anything you'd like to add/discuss?

Sarah B.: Women on bed rest can get lots of great information and support through www.sidelines.org. Sidelines is an organization devoted to helping women on bed rest and in high-risk pregnancies, and it can provide women with mentors to guide them through this difficult experience.

Bed rest may sound like a picnic in the park –- the number of times I've heard a version of the line, 'Gosh I could have done with a rest in my pregnancy' –- but it isn't. Women on bed rest experience a range of debilitating physical and psychological symptoms, and they need all the support they can get. My website, www.bedrestdiary.com, has links to support groups and also tips for surviving the experience (I also have an author website, www.sarahbilston.com).

Bed Rest was provided free to DotMoms for review and is available at Amazon.com. This interview took place via e-mail and has been edited for space and clarity.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and freelance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

Going to the Zoo

By Sarah

We are lucky enough to have a fabulous zoo here in our city. That is, if you are one to believe that zoos can ever be fabulous. I personally have some issues with zoos, but because I also have a toddler, you will find me at the zoo often. In fact, I have a membership!

See, to me there is something unnatural and perhaps a bit creepy about zoos. I know intellectually that zoos around the world protect many species of animals, and I also know that in some ways it is an honor to see animals like giraffes and hippos and koalas up close. But still, there is the fact the animals are (no matter how good the zoo is) out of their natural habitats and confined to very small spaces. They cannot help but be sometimes bored and sometimes frustrated. In an ideal world we would see more nature refuges and fewer zoos, or better yet, animals protected and respected in their own habitats and lands with little or no human intervention necessary. I know, I know: there I go on about an ideal world again!

What makes the whole thing so complicated is my little girl loves to go to the zoo. Some weeks we go more than once and she doesn't grow tired of it. She loves the lions especially but has a soft spot for giraffes and camels as well. And, I am happy to foster her love of animals. But here's the rub: she thinks all these animals come from the zoo.  That is, she thinks the zoo is their natural home. Perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Perhaps it is not so important that she understands that those lions come from Africa and most lions still live there. Perhaps it is not so important that she understand that seals and sea lions don't usually live in tanks, catching fish from the hands of the zookeepers. Perhaps what is most important for her right now is just to develop a sense of joy, wonder and respect for the animals at the zoo that can later become a concern and love for the animals in the wild and a desire to protect that wild for the future.

And, if I take my crusade too seriously where do I stop? Books that anthropomorphize animals? Her favorite character is "Little Bear" who, the stories tell her, lives in a house and fishes with a fishing pole. I would never explain away all the wonderful animal characters in the stories she and we love. Yet, my instinct is to explain away the magic she finds at the zoo.

I try to balance the nature-behind-bars with the nature roaming free all around us. At home we watch for birds in trees and listen to their song. We let ants crawl on us and observe their busy-ness. We recently made a little mud for a long earthworm who seemed to be struggling in some sand. We keep an eye out for squirrels and lizards and hike and camp and visit nature centers and wilderness preserves. She is naturally curious about the biggest and tiniest creatures.

Today is shaping up to be a lovely day -- cool and breezy with just a bit of cloud cover. It is the perfect type of day for the zoo. We have not been in a while and I think we both deserve the treat of an afternoon out and a picnic on the grass watching the ducks and peacocks look for food. 

Today I will try to see the zoo through her eyes, not worrying about what brought the animals there or the discomfort they might feel because they're confined. Instead I will watch the sea lions swim up to the viewing windows to smile at us; I will watch the gorilla mother cuddle her baby in a way so similar to the way I cuddle mine; I will watch the zebras stomp their hoofs in defiance and listen to the lions roar with impressive might. I will find the goodness and value in the zoo. Wish me luck.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

The Patio

By Sarah

We have recently done some work in our front yard. Mostly we are preparing to landscape and have completed a brick patio with a stucco wall and bench surrounding it. As it gets up in the high 90’s almost every day here and 100 degrees is not unusual, this patio is our new escape; it is cool most of the day and is shaded by our wonderful, huge mulberry tree. Just past the new wall is a big pile of dirt. Next to that is a big pile of rocks. And, just beyond that is a little pile of extra bricks. Bricks, dirt, rocks, a big shady tree, a wall to hide behind? Yes, our yard is a wonderland! It is the hottest place for all the toddlers and preschoolers we know.

Daily our daughter scales the pile of dirt and yells “I am king of the mountain!” I correct her, “queen,” but who cares, really? She digs with shovels moving the dirt from here to there (a surprising amount ends up in her diapers). Then, when she is bored with that she sorts the rocks to find the very best ones. 

Next, she stands under the tree jumping and jumping trying to reach the big green leaves. The pile of bricks are her own little stairs to nowhere and the patio is her canvas to be colored with chalk. The wall and bench are the perfect surfaces for racing little cars or lining up treasures like pinecones, broken bird eggs and weeds. I can sit on the patio, sipping something with lots of ice cubes, occasionally assisting her as she hunts for bugs or rearranges things. It is really some of the best times we have had! 

Her friend down the street, a little boy just a couple months older than her, also gets in on the digging and running. Together they love to water the tree which consists of having to hold the hose and then eventually spray each other until they are thoroughly soaked before retiring to the patio for a few games of ring around the rosy. They are a marvelous sight to behold; so full of joy at the simplest things.

The other night after a cooling summer rain some friends came over for a post-dinner visit. The children, my 2-year-old and their 3 and 1-year-olds, played in the yard for about two hours as the sun went down and the temperatures cooled. They shoveled and run and giggled and scream and pulled grass and chased bugs and my friend and I looked at each other and wondered aloud why we even buy toys at all! 

I know when the winter drives us indoors and back to puzzles and blocks and play-doh this time on the patio will seem so far away…I am just enjoying every dirty, sweaty, exuberant moment while the summer sun lasts.    

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

The terribly terrific twos

By Sarah

So, my daughter has become one of those kids; those kids that throw tantrums. Terrible twos? Bah, I thought! I was proud of my mellow girl. She was adaptable, flexible and easy. Until about two months ago. And, then, all hell broke loose! 

A few factors may have contributed: my new work schedule, my horrible morning sickness which often left me lethargic and preoccupied, not to mention hunched over the toilet, and finally, an explosion of new language and skills and a drive for autonomy on Lilith’s part.  Needless to say it has been rough around here.

These tantrums, they just about drive me insane. They can last up to 40 minutes; 40 minutes of crying and kicking and yelling about a sippy cup or something else seemingly trivial to me but so very important to her. In some ways Lilith’s tantrums are classic. She throws herself on the ground and writhes around kicking and screaming with tears streaming down her cheeks. She is demanding and willful; “I want the OTHER cup with NEW milk!” 

On the other hand I am not sure she really looses control in the traditional sense. I have heard temper tantrums described as a fuse blown, that the children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, frustrated and out of control. And, sometimes it appears that is what is happening to Lilith. But, more often than not she seems to retain some control. 
The other day in the middle of a doozy of a meltdown she got up off the floor and followed me to the bathroom and watched me get ready. She demanded something from the cabinet for a few ear-piercing minutes before returning to the living room to flail about upset about the sippy cup once again. Sometimes in the middle of a tantrum she calls for me “Hold me in your arms!” or “Come back into this room, I need you!” But, when I go to her she begins her tirade again. She knows how to get my attention.

I have been told that the best way to handle a tantrum is to ignore them. Don’t feed into the negative energy. Don’t try to reason. Just wait it out. In some ways this is easy — Lilith never does this in public, saving all her frustration for me (and occasionally her father). In fact, people often comment on how well behaved she is at stores and restaurants or at other people’s houses. I do try to ignore the tantrums but it is hard especially once we pass the twenty minute mark. My resolve sometimes gives out….my patience wears thin.

All this is such a striking contrast with the little girl she usually is. Energetic, talkative, expressive and affectionate.  She showers me with kisses, tells me I am “soft” as she strokes my hair, sings and dances around the house, reads books to the dog and to her dolls, build elaborate bridges and towers with her blocks.

In some ways, two is the best age yet. Everything is new and amazing to her. She finds nature wonderful and not the least bit icky. She can look at books for hours and has started telling fantastic tales all of her own imagination. I try to keep in mind this sweet and smart little girl as she yells “Go AWAY, Mommy” because I won’t give her juice or because I won’t let her wear the mud-soaked shirt from yesterday. I know this is normal, that it all will pass, but it is one of the bigger challenges for me as a mother so far because it feels like such a waste of time: we could be at the park, playing hide and seek, cuddling up to read, painting….

Terrible two? Not so much, not really…because, in the end, I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

Spring in the desert

by Sarah

Before it gets too hot here, we are spending lots of time outside. Unstructured, lazy time. Spring time. The sun beats down on us but there is a strong breeze. We are building up our sunscreen and hat tolerance, practicing drinking lots and lots of water. Reminding ourselves that everything melts in the summer here; food, plastic, the tar on the roads. Moods can wilt and wither, too, like delicate plants or thin petaled flowers. We need to be tough in the summer. Like rosemary, like sage, needing little water and basking in the heat. Like scraggly garden tomato plants nurtured to abundance and ripeness.

These days we are about bubbles and sidewalk chalk and finding shady spots in the yard. We are about walks around the block looking for neighborhood cats and ants and neighborhood kids. It is spring in the desert and we are careful that the wind doesn’t whip us and fill our mouths with sand and grit. We watch the cottonwoods lose their cotton hoping to reproduce. The sky is full and the ground is covered with seeds and tiny pieces bearing pollen; elm, mulberry…

Desert, yes. Desolate, no. The sun has not yet had the chance to bake the ground, and then blanch all the color from the landscape. In the summer the greens will be silvery or yellow, muted and faded. But, now, all is in bloom. In my yard the buttery yellow daffodils have stepped aside to make room for the regal purple irises. Our garden is in; peppers, tomatoes, basil and chives, lavender and rosemary, flowers and mint for the hot hot summer ahead.

These days Lilith and I head to the zoo in the afternoons.Seeking out the warm weather loving animals. The giraffes and lions stretch after the inactivity and cold of the winter. We stretch, too. Lilith came into the world today, two years ago. She ushered in our spring and it is with spring we mark her growing older and more vital and more amazing. It is in May that she was born and my life changed so beautifully. Spring is a time now to slow down, to enjoy, to amble and explore. 

We explore the foothills and find bright blue birds and cactus with juicy yellow flowers. There are red ants on the sidewalks and red-breasted finches at the bird feeder. We are on the hunt for red tulips and red roses now. Our mountains, our mesas, our valleys are saturated with color and life and possibility.

Soon it will be summer; hundred degree days and eighty degree nights.  We will feel dry, slow, husked, shelled, split open by the burning sun.

But, for today, for Lilith’s second birthday we hold hands, walk outside, and take a deep breath…we breathe in spring.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.      

(Not a) Party Girl

By Sarah

In just about a month my daughter will be two years old. I am not throwing her a party.

Wha-wha-what? you ask. Well, let's just say I am saving up my birthday party energy for the years it will really be needed. 

As her first birthday approached I began to plan a party. Who would I invite? What would I serve? Would I have a clever theme? Could I find a delicious sugar-free cake recipe? Were there any cool, unique, cheap and non-choking-hazard party favors to be found? Soon I was feeling anxious.

The thought of cleaning my house or even my backyard for guests was daunting. So, the zoo began to emerge as the place to host the shindig. But, the zoo is pricey without a membership and several families we know have several children. So, back to our house.

We don't have many outdoor toys, no sandbox or slide so I would have to stock up on sidewalk chalk and bubbles for Lilith's little friends. Could those serve as party favors? And, what about the grown-ups? My inclination was toward a backyard BBQ with beer and chips, but was that appropriate?

As I worried about all this I began to realize that Lilith had no earthly idea it was her birthday. She had no expectations, no preconceived notions. She had only been to a couple birthday parties herself but the concepts of "birthday" and "party" meant nothing to her. I realized that it was supposed to be about her and decided if she didn't ask for a (potentially messy and expensive) fiesta, then I would not give her one.

This was a huge relief and solved all my party dilemmas (such as the guest list, there were a few people with a "history" together, and also the whole present thing -- I didn't want people to feel obligated to get her anything but knew that some people would anyway making those who didn't feel weird, etc.).

Instead of a party with friends and balloons and duplicate gifts and forgotten party favors I instead invited our family over for lunch. I knew they would get her presents no matter what and would not expect party favors. There were just eight of them, so no big mess! I knew they wouldn't judge, and would even help out by bringing food to share. The perfect guests. Plus, at a year old, these were the people I think Lilith would've wanted to spend her special day with. 

It was a nice sunny day and Lilith even wore a dress. During her nap we were able to continue our conversations and everyone lingered into the late afternoon. (I did host playgroup the Friday before her birthday and instead of a cake I made lots of wiggly sugar-free Jell-O and she did get some gifts but there were no favors and no organized games or fancy themes).

So, it is a year later and my party philosophy has not changed. I will not host a party for her this year. I will invite our local family members over for cake and so that they can see her open the presents they selected for her. 

When everyone asks her if it is almost her birthday, she exclaims "No!" I know very soon she will look forward all year to her birthday, dream of her cake, her presents and the friends she will invite. So, for now I am relieved not to deal with the expense and hassle of a party that would really be for me anyway. Soon she will be a birthday party girl, but not this year, not quite yet. At least for one more year we can celebrate her birthday in a quiet, simple, lovely and perfect way. 

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

Creative cuisine

By Sarah

Recently, a friend with a 1-year-old asked me if it was true that her content little eater will soon reject all fruits and vegetables in favor of carbohydrates 'round the clock. And while I cannot predict what her son will do as he enters what is a notoriously picky eating stage for a lot of kids, I could assure her that Lilith, in her way, stayed true to that toddler stereotype.

Lilith has always been a "good eater." At six months, as we introduced solids, she was a bit unsure but soon was trying all sorts of new things. She totally rejected pre-made, store bought baby food but that ended up being OK. I had always thought making your own baby food require an assembly line of boilers and mashers and tons of freezer and fridge space. But I just smashed some banana for breakfast, mushed some sweet potato for lunch, doled out Cheerios for dinner all with the occasional baby yogurt for a treat and she was happy as could be. Avocado? Yes! Boiled peas? Please! She amazed me with her range of taste and willingness (with some exceptions, of course) to try new foods.

Then, it happened. Actually I am not sure exactly how it happened but she started both physically and verbally rejecting most of what I gave her sometime around 15 months old. She would wrinkle up her nose, shake her head, even stick out her tongue, all accompanied with a very undeniable "No!" OK, kid, fine, let's see what you say if I hide the healthy stuff!

I am not an artsy-craftsy mom. I am not good at sewing, can't knit or crochet or even color within the lines. But I have found that my creative calling is sneaking food past the lips of a picky toddler. For years once a week Dan and I have made homemade pizza; crust from scratch and everything. Now we make a tiny little pizza for Lilith and into her pizza sauce goes all kinds of good stuff: boiled and mashed baby carrots, tofu, spinach -- and she eats it all without blinking an eye. 

Spaghetti is a great vehicle for green veggies, too. And, I am not above putting tofu in her PB&J sandwiches either. She'll devour stir-fry (the spicier the better) so once again many finely chopped vegetables find their way from the wok to her plate. My other secret weapon is bread. Zucchini bread, pumpkin bread, banana bread: she gets a lot of her fruits and veggies in bread form these days. She loves dried fruits and vegetables, too. They are crunchy and sweet and I never let on how much I want her to eat them.

All that being said, Lilith is still a "good eater" by most standards and I think she still likes most of the food I serve her. It is just these days her main goal is to demonstrate her autonomy and if that means rejecting her dinner than that is what she does. If you want to test this theory take her out to eat. At a restaurant she will eat a plate of broccoli, long grain rice, oranges and even try new things. She is mostly picky at home.

So there are some days she survives on rice milk and goldfish crackers (thank goodness for goldfish crackers) and that is OK.  Because other days she surprises me by not only eating the lovely cantaloupe I offer her but asking for more and eating that piece, too.

How do you handle a picky eater?

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

...And a Merry Christmas to all!

By Sarah

Is it that time of year already? I cannot escape the carols, the trees, the lights, and in my part of the world, the lumenarias. Traditionally these things started the day after Thanksgiving but these days on the day after Halloween the Christmas decorations come out. It is not so much that we celebrate another holiday as it is that we are not Christian and we don’t celebrate Christmas. In this country that is practically a crime!   

But, most of our friends and even many of our family members are and do. Before Lilith was born my tolerance for Christmas was a bit higher, even though it still sort of bugged me to be wished a “Merry Christmas” at every restaurant and every store and by absolutely everyone for two months out of the year. How about a nice, neutral “happy holidays?”

Now that Lilith is here I remember what is was like growing up non-Christian in America. I do have some funny stories and some sad and frustrating ones as well. I don’t want to dwell on them I just hope Lilith’s beliefs and our family’s traditions and customs are more respected than mine were when I was little. 

While that little peach-fuzz-topped kid may not seem to know what you are talking about this year when you ask her about Santa, someday soon she will and she shouldn’t have to explain to everybody everywhere for two months out of the year that Santa doesn’t visit her house. 

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

Author Interview: Andi Buchanan on "It's A Boy"

By Sarah

Before I became pregnant, I wanted to have a boy. I can’t say that I envisioned myself the mother of a boy, I just couldn’t see myself as the mother of a girl. Boys are wholly other in so many ways and for me that was attractive. When I became pregnant, and as everyone told me day after day, month after month, that I was carrying a boy, my confidence in the idea of parenting a little boy lessened. I was surprised and happy when my husband told me, “It’s a girl!” Now, I can hardly imagine having a boy at all.

So, in reading the new collection of essays, “It’s A Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons,” I felt a bit like a tourist. These essays, edited by Andrea J. Buchanan, are sometimes funny, sometimes bittersweet and always poignant, thoughtful and honest. From cultural assumptions (“boys love their mothers better than girls”) to maternal expectations (“how will I relate to a boy?) these well-written essays cover rearing sons pregnancy to adolescence.

I interviewed Andi about the book and about blogging and writing.

Sarah Egelman: This is a collection about sons; what would the parents of daughters find to interest them? What about non-parents? In other words, what does this book say, if anything, about parenting in general or womanhood in general?

Andi Buchanan: That's a great question. And actually, a fellow blogger (and someone who has an essay in the Girl book coming out next spring) answered that really nicely the other day as part of the blog book tour. I'll quote here from Becca at NotQuiteSure (http://not-quite-sure.blogspot.com). She writes:

"I thought that reading 'It's a Boy' was going to be a fascinating excursion into alien territory, an experience in readerly disidentification, as it were. I know nothing about raising boys: about penises and turning sticks into guns and teenagers with hair on their faces, God forbid. And I learned about those things from reading the book, and it was fascinating. But what I also realized is how much of all motherhood is about figuring out these alien little beings we are stuck with, who are at once as familiar as our own bodies and as bizarrely unknown as prehistoric giraffes. If you have a boy, you have a certain framework for understanding him as alien: he is not like you. But that only takes you so far, and then you have to account for him as himself. Just as I have to account for [my daughters] as themselves ... In other words, even as 'It's a Boy' set me up for disidentification, it also inspired a more meta-identification, and a realization that of course I could have mothered a boy, for it all comes down to mothering, and that I know something about."

SE: What, do you think, all the contributors have in common besides being mothers of boys?

AB: Well, they are all writers, and I think there's a certain commonality in terms of the way writers think (or overthink!) about issues of personhood and personality.

SE: Were you surprised by some of the cultural assumptions the writers in the collection were so honest about confronting (i.e. boys love their mothers in different ways than daughters or that boys are easier to toilet train than girls)?

AB: Was I surprised about the cultural assumptions? Or about the writers' willingness to confront them? I think I was mostly surprised by the assumptions about boys that really hit home when I was pregnant with my son -- that, and the conversations I had with people about the things I'd heard, was really what inspired the book. I wasn't surprised at all by the writers digging in to the topics they chose -- I had so many impassioned conversations with women about boys and girls and the difference between them, I knew it was a great vein of inspiration! It's like the old nature vs. nurture question -- the debate could go on forever!

SE: Why do you think motherhood (and specifically the personal essay written by mothers) has become such a hot genre?

AB: I don't know that I'd describe it as "hot" or even popular -- it's still *such* a hard sell these days. But I do understand what you're getting at -- there's a real proliferation of writing about motherhood, especially in the last 5 or 6 years, that's a refreshing change from the advice books and expert guides that dominated the parenting shelves for years.

Why is it happening now, as opposed to before? I think in a lot of ways our cultural notions about public and private experience have been changing, and now it's not so shocking to talk about the grittier aspects of child-rearing -- and about the very human experience of the women who do most of it. So we're a bit freer now to explore what was once more personal, private, even taboo to talk about in mixed company.

But this isn't really all that new -- there have been women writing about motherhood before, in the '70s, in the '50s and '60s, even well before the 1900s. We've just forgotten about them, or our culture has, and each new generation of women confronting womanhood and motherhood must rewrite her own personal narrative instead of being able to draw on those of the past.

Amy Hudock and I write about this in the introduction to "Literary Mama: Reading for the Maternally Inclined," which comes out next January from Seal Press. Our hope is that this most recent generation of mother-writers won't be dismissed as a fad, or fall out of publication, or otherwise be forgotten.

SE: In what ways do you see blogging as enhancing or contributing to this genre?

AB: With the immediacy and the intense personal nature of blogging, it seems like blogs are a natural outlet for women, especially, to construct a narrative for their maternal lives. I did a whole presentation on this at the Association for Research on Mothering's conference on motherhood and feminism last fall -- my keynote address was titled "The Secret Life of Mothers: Maternal Narrative, Momoir, and the Rise of the Blog." I see blogs as powerful vehicles for women to share their stories -- and to create a community among other bloggers who are trying to make meaning of the events of their lives.

SE: In selecting essays for "It's A Boy" what types of things were you looking for?

AB: Excellent writing. Insight. A confident, compelling, unique voice. A writer in control of her subject. I like the reader to feel as though she is being led by a writer who knows exactly where she is going and has suprises in store along the way -- not that whatever happens in the course of the essay is accidental and surprises the writer and reader both. A story -- and not just the old "Woman expects baby girl, has baby boy, learns that baby boys aren't so bad after all" or "Woman thinks boys are like X, then she has one and finds they're more like Y, zippy moral lesson, the end." It had to be more than that.

SE: The companion to this book, "It's A Girl" is coming out soon: after editing both collections, and after having a boy and a girl yourself, do you think there is an essential difference to parenting a boy rather than a girl?

AB: As I wrote in the intro to the Girl book, after working on these two collections, I can't really tell you if the stereotypes are true about girls and boys. But I can tell you something about the parents of girls and boys. For both the Boy book and the Girl book, I received many essay submissions from writers who were conflicted about the sex of their baby, something I came to call "prenatal gender apprehension." But the concerns of writers in "It's a Boy" were about the otherness of the male gender: What the heck do you do with a boy? Some of the writers in "It's a Girl" ask a similar question about raising their daughters, but what prompts that question is not the fear of an unknown gender, but of knowing it all too well.

It seemed like, at least from the essays I got for these books, mothering a girl was more... personal, in a way. Mothering a boy was about a different kind of confrontation, confronting the "alien" world of boys and men from a different perspective than the women had previously experienced as daughters or sisters or employees or lovers or partners with the males in their lives. Mothering a girl, though, seemed to force the writers to confront their own girlhoods, and face the experiences they'd thought they'd left behind, seeing all again this time through the eyes of their daughters.

Also, in Boy, writers talked about the act of separation -- letting go of teenagers and a mother's changing role as her child becomes an adult. This separation, though, was mainly about adolescents. But in "It's a Girl," writers wrestled with letting go of daughters who were five, eight, nine, teenagers, grown women. Clearly -- in these collections, at least -- identification and separation between mothers and daughters is a different terrain from that of mothers and sons.

SE: How much time per day do you spend writing? Blogging? Revising?

AB: I have three hours a day when both my kids are in school -- my daughter is in first grade and goes until 3 each day, but my son is just in preschool. So I have from about 9 to about 12 to get my work in. That's when I write, edit, revise, work on Literary Mama, blog, do interviews, work on PR stuff for my books, etc. Sometimes I'm also able to work in more time once the kids are asleep, but since I stopped my caffeine habit, that's harder and harder to do.

SE: How long do you spend reading blogs?

AB: Not long -- but luckily I'm a fast reader. I check in with a few favorites a few times a week, but gone are the days when I could be leisurely about my blog surfing!

SE: Which blogs are the most well-written? How much of a factor is the writing style in whether you read a weblog?

AB: Whether or not a blog is well-written is definitely a factor in whether or not I read it. I have such limited time -- and my work is all about reading and writing -- that I just don't have much patience for something that isn't compelling. I'm not talking about content -- I mean voice. The best writers can write about the most commonplace subjects and make them interesting.

SE: How has blogging affected your writing?

AB: My blog is a bunch of different things -- a place to write about my work and what I'm working on (right now I'm writing a bit about each of the essays in the "It's a Boy" book), a sketchpad for things I might write about in essays or longer projects eventually, a place to share anecdotes that aren't "essay-ready" yet, a way to keep in touch with readers who are interested in following up on me post-Mother Shock. The tricky thing about blogging is that if it was my only writing work, I'd do it a lot more. But because I'm writing for publication elsewhere, working on book projects, etc. -- and because I have such limited time to work -- I have to be conscious of not using up all my writing time on the blog. I actually think of blogging and writing as two separate things -- one I do for pleasure, one I do for work. (Though of course there is some overlap both ways.)

SE: What have you learned about writing from blogs?

AB: At the most basic level, I guess, what it's taught me is that writing can be accomplished in fleeting moments, without the perfect setting, on the fly. Sometimes I get myself convinced that I can only write when things are perfect -- when I'm alone, when I have more than a half-hour, when the planets are aligned, etc. The immediacy of blogging has shown me that those things, while perfectly nice requirements, are mostly unnecessary: I can get a thing written in five minutes, standing up, while the kids scream at each other over who had something first. And that's a good lesson to take with me to my other writing work, when I'm tempted to stop myself from getting something down because I "only" have a few minutes or because the setting isn't "right" or because it might not be any good.

SE: Is good writing for blogs different from other forms of good writing? How?

AB: I think so -- maybe. Good writing is good writing. But when you're writing for a blog, you're writing for a very particular medium. I think part of what's compelling about blogs and the blogging community is how everything is interlinked. I think a good blog entry is one that is not only well-written but also acknowledges its interconnectedness -- even if it's just a one-word link to a shared topic. I think about those entries I've read that have not only been moving in their own right, but also had this meta-text created by the links embedded therein -- by clicking and following the links you're are able to read an entire backstory to the post, a collection of referents and articles and all the interesting things that informed the primary text. It's fascinating -- and it's the kind of thing you can't do as effectively on paper.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.

Me Me Me

By Sarah

My DotMoms writing is usually about my daughter. She is my favorite subject and an endless source of interesting (I think) material. And, we are about sharing our joys and concerns here in this wonderful virtual community. But, here is the thing -- there is more to me than just my relationship with my daughter. There is more to me than motherhood and marriage.

My life existed before Lilith was born. In fact, I lived over 30 years before she was born and I was quite set in my ways. Her arrival shook things up and changed me in many profound and fundamental ways. But I still remain, for the most part, who I was all along. 

I am still a bit of a couch potato, I still prefer books to television although I love trashy TV and PBS equally. I am still a tad dramatic, a bit neurotic and a definite klutz. I still obsess over things like cultural, ethnic and religious identity. I am still politically and socially liberal. I am still the product of my own childhood.

My interests are not limited to playgrounds, playgroups, diapers and building blocks.  Lilith is the best kid ever -- better than I imagined she would be. But my love for her and my interest in her is additional in my life. She didn’t replace anything; she enriched everything.

I still love museums (places I don’t imagine she would really enjoy yet), punk music, devouring books in one sitting, drinking red wine with friends, swearing like a sailor, horror movies and all sorts of things inappropriate for children. I still have a career that I work hard at, that challenges me and that I love. I still hate housework and cooking; motherhood has not made me any more domestic. I still like tattoos and very strong coffee and "South Park." I still like to hold hands with my husband and I will always dislike stinky full diapers and sleep deprivation. 

I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself, of who I really am, for my daughter. That may sound selfish, but really I would be cheating both of us if I did. I need to maintain my identity and nurture my non-mom passions and interests. It makes me a stronger woman, a better person and the best mama I can be. Also, I want -- no, I need -- my daughter to see that womanhood is not about giving things up; it is not about this OR that. It is about balance and harmony. Womanhood and motherhood complement each other but are not mutually exclusive.

So, sometimes it really is all about me. But, in a way, that is all about her, too.

Sarah Rachel Egelman is a community college instructor and free-lance book reviewer who lives in New Mexico with her husband and daughter.