Mom in the Mirror

Writing as a way of life

I've always written. In fact, one of the earliest pictures of me shows my little face barely above a blackboard I'm holding, with a story written on it in chalk. It was short ("The End" filled most of the board), but it was a start.

Two weeks ago (just before I started this blog), my editor gave me some feedback that really hurt. Partly because I learned that my columns are less popular than the others. But mostly I think it was because being public with my writing means being public with my core. Writing is as much a part of me as being female or being Jewish. I could no sooner give it up than stop being a woman or a Jew. But now I can feel like I'm failing at it. I feel like I'm not fulfilling my destiny.

Am I a good writer? Compared to what? I'm better than I was a year ago and worse than I'll be next year (I hope). My husband, trying to comfort me, says it comes down to this: Do you have something to say? Are you saying it clearly and creatively? Are you saying it to people who care? I believe I have something to say. And I believe I'm learning to say it more clearly and creatively all the time. But I think -- with my current column -- I'm saying it to people who don't care.

This is a good lesson for me, as a writer and an editor. I now understand, for the first time, why writers doubt themselves (maybe I'm not a writer, maybe I only thought I was born one, maybe I don't want to have to work that hard!); why writers fear rejection (it isn't that I'm a bad writer, it's that I'm no writer at all), and how much damage bad editors can cause.

Ultimately, I write for myself -- to understand my life and where I belong on this round, wet, crowded earth. But I publish for others -- to help them understand their own lives and where they fit in. So I need to be more conscientious about saying what I believe clearly and creatively to people who care. And I need to be more thick-skinned about everything else.

I Want My Ritalin

We went as a family this morning to meet a woman with the power of the pad, the prescription pad. She's the third psychiatrist we've seen in the last year for Colter because, first, we moved to Florida, second, the doctor we originally contacted and saw moved away, and so, we've come to Dr. Morales. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman who sees other human beings as multi-dimensional, but for 45 minutes this morning it felt like all she cared about was clinical questions and quick answers. We left with the prescriptions for Ritalin we needed, but little else. No sense of what we were doing right (or wrong) as parents, no sense of where Colter was growing or struggling after a year+ on the drug, no sense of what she could do to help (other than prescribe). It left me feeling ... depressed. Maybe I should have requested an extra dose for me.

The Open (School) House

We sat at small desks, with our knees bumping up against the wood, too tall for the space available. We were about 20 parents whose kids had started second-grade together the week before. We had nothing in common except Mrs. Holloway, a brand new teacher who just moved from Mississippi to marry a Floridian. She's not a parent (yet), but has lots of beliefs about how much kids need to eat at home, how much reading to do, and how much sleep they require. Just wait, I think. She says, "I'd be the kind of parent who..." Sure you would, I think. So would I... if only MY CHILD WOULD LET ME. She has no idea. What she has is two dozen 7- and 8-year-olds to teach and nurture from 8:40 a.m. to 2:40 p.m. each Monday through Friday. What she has is a whole bunch of parents to manage. What she has is a long year ahead. Just before we leave, I ask, "Is Colter doing OK?" She says, "He's doing great. He's fun-loving. He's happy. He's really smart." Maybe she'll make it, I think. She's obviously a great judge of character.

Sunday Sunday

The day started better than most others. I woke up late (around 8:30), and read magazines while Colter watched cartoons. Around 10 a.m., I was balancing the checkbook when it was time for Colter to do his homework. Gary sat with him and helped with words as Colter read for 20 minutes. There are many things I hate about being a mother, but what I always, no matter what, love is the sound of my son reading. Unbelievably, there were better moments to come.

We went to the Florida Aquarium for the first time and saw some really great fish. My favorite parts were the baby turtles and the dragonfish. There was an exhibit that was part of the dragonfish display called, "Male Motherood." It explained that the females drop their fertilized eggs into the male's pouch. The male then carries the eggs to maturity and LABORS until they are all delivered. He cares for them for a certain number of weeks and then moves on. How fantastic!

After the Aquarium, we came home. Colter was going to a party at the pool, but became unbelievably shy and we ended up bringing him home. It was very unusual, unlike him, except at the first day of school and the first day of camp.

I did some errands and when I returned, he and Gary and I swam. The water was really cold, but we had fun. Then, we had dinner and dessert and I read "Encyclopedia Brown" to him for about 30 minutes before Gary put him to bed. What a nice day. Originally, I was going to call this post Silent Thunder (because Colter spent some time tonight counting when he saw lightning. But the thunder never came).

Reflection #2

So often, I see myself through reflections -- in the rearview mirror as I check on Colter in the backseat, in the glass door as I head into work, in others' eyes. But these are surface images bounced back to me. They are refractions -- images that are broken as they pass through the prism of perception. To truly know who I am, I must reflect differently, by reabsorbing the light that's returned to me and shining it inside. That's what this blog is: a sort of internal flashlight, spotlight, floodlight, candle.

On Target

We've just finished dinner at Steak 'N Shake (which doesn't sell steaks, by the way). I want to go buy books, but there's no way I'm selling my family on it, so I propose a trip to Target. Everyone agrees. After about half an hour, we leave the store with Pokemon cards and a Beyblade for Colter, new pajamas and a magazine for me, and candles for Gary. That's our Friday night. Even my shopping binges have become domesticated.

Reflection #1

I am my own editor and publisher, and you -- dear no one and everyone -- are my reader. I am gazing at myself in full view. What an exhibitionist. What fun.

More quotes

"Oh what a tangled web parents weave when they think that their children are naive." -- Ogden Nash

"There are long years between Gifted and Eccentric and most of us fill them with Trouble." -- Adair Lara

"You win a few, you lose a few, and some get rained out. But you dress for all the games." -- Adair Lara

"People read to know they're not alone. People write for the same reason." -- Anna Quindlen

"Just start. Keep going. Repeat." -- Me

"Life is just so daily." -- Dick Sattler

"Declare the past, diagnose the present, foretell the future; practice these acts. As to diseases, make a habit of two things -- to help, or at least to do no harm." -- Hippocrates

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." -- George Bernard Shaw

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times." -- Rita Rudner

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler." -- Albert Einstein

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss

"Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." -- Red Smith

"Be true to your work, your word, and your friend." -- Henry David Thoreau

"While the water is stirring I will step into the pool." -- Sojourner Truth

"It is not enough to be busy. The question is, what are we busy about?" -- Henry David Thoreau

"This thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." -- Mary Pickford

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." -- Robert Frost

"We put our love where we have put our labor." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." -- Mahfouz Naguib

"Success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." -- Winston Churchill

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I- / I took the one less traveled by / And that has made all the difference." -- Robert Frost

"There is never a wrong time to do the right thing." -- Unknown

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." -- Michael Jordan, Nike commercial

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." -- Edith Wharton

"Expectations are premeditated resentments." -- Adair Lara

"A pen and a drop of ink makes the whole world think." -- Ancient Persian saying

"What is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?" -- Albert Camus

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." -- Emerson

"You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again." -- Bonnie Prudden

"We are constantly invited to be who we are." -- Henry David Thoreau

"The love we give away is the only love we keep." -- Elbert Hubbard

"In Germany, they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Catholic. Then they came for me -- and by that time there was nobody left to speak up." -- Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"A finished person is a boring person." -- Anna Quindlen

"The things we hate about ourselves aren't more real than things we like about ourselves." -- Ellen Goodman

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -- e.e. cummings

"How we spend our days is how we spend our lives." -- Annie Dillard

"All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle." -- Francis of Assissi

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." -- Unknown

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." -- Marcel Proust

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me, and be my friend." -- Albert Camus

"The one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention." -- Diane Sawyer

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas Alva Edison

"Happiness is a perfume which you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." -- Louis Mann

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth." -- Jewish proverb

"Lose with truth and right rather than gain with falsehood and wrong." -- Maimonides

"My job was to be loyally subversive." -- Gordon MacKenzie, Creative Paradox, Hallmark

"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies: 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.'" -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

"The minute you or anybody else knows what you are, you are not it, you are what you or anybody else knows you are. And as everything in living is made up of finding out what you are, it is extraordinarily difficult really not to know what you are and yet to be that thing." -- Gertrude Stein

"There is no 'can't,' only 'can't yet.'" -- Sensei Rachel

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." -- Jimi Hendrix

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." -- Ernest Hemingway

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." -- Vince Lombardi

"Firstly, never go against the best light you have; secondly, take care that your light be not darkness." -- Bishop Wilson

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" -- Hillel

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." -- Albert Einstein

"I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details." -- Albert Einstein

"Be content to tell your small portion of a larger story." -- William Zinsser

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"In the end, only kindness matters." -- Jewel

"Self-respect is a question of recognizing that anything worth having has a price." -- Joan Didion

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." -- Emily Dickinson

A Mother's Day Collection:

• "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." -- Clarence Darrow
• "Motherhood is a wonderful thing -- what a pity to waste it on children." -- Judith Pugh
• "Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them." -- Rita Rudner
• "Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." -- Bern Williams
• "How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mothers' names." -- Alice Walker

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -- Robert Frost

"In seeking wisdom the first step is silence, the second: listening, the third: remembering, the fourth: practicing, the fifth: teaching others." -- Solomon Ibn Gabirol

"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." -- Dave Barry (submitted by Robin)

"Journals honor that most human of instincts: our need to leave a trace." -- Alexandra Johnson

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso

"If we cannot choose to be lucky, to be talented, to be loved, we can choose to be grateful, to be content with who we are and what we have, and to act accordingly." -- Harold Kushner

"Writing is the axe that breaks the frozen sea within." -- Franz Kafka

"The world is my living room and I'm a gracious hostess passing through, checking to see if everyone's all right." -- Kathleen Tessaro

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time." --James Taylor

"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." -- Anne Frank

"The tragedy of parenting is that if you do your job well, your love is doomed to become an unrequited passion." -- Ayelet Waldman

"There's a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in." -- Leonard Cohen

"If art is the bridge between what you see in your mind and what the world sees, then skill is how you build that bridge." --Twyla Tharp

"It takes a lot of time and heat to create a diamond." -- Maya Angelou (submitted by Kathy Raney)

"Each day has its own set of thoughts, words and deeds. Live in tune." -- Rebbe Nachman

"The only thing more dangerous than knowing nothing is thinking you know more than you actually do." -- Brian McGrory

"While we can't pick our parents, and we can't pick our children, fortunately we can pick the books that we read." -- from a review of "We Need to Talk About Kevin" in The Oregonian

"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy." -- Abraham Lincoln

"Sometimes you have to stay in the kitchen, even when you can't stand the heat." -- From "Instant Karma" by Barbara Ann Kipfer

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." -- T.S. Eliot

"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough." -- Joe E. Lewis

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -- Helen Keller

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." -- George Eliot

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" -- Unknown

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end." -- Ursula K. LeGuin

"Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting." --Karl Wallenda

"I cannot live without books." --Thomas Jefferson

"The discipline of the writer is to learn to be still and listen to what his subject has to tell him." -- Rachel Carson

"The empty half of the glass is always at the top" -- Joshua Salik

"Climbing teaches that the biggest barriers are not on the rock but in our minds." -- Jim Collins, Author, "Upward Bound"

"Only people who are dead or enlightened are done with their mothers." -- Geneen Roth

"When you could theoretically live a thousand different lives, how do you pick the one where you belong?" -- Susan Isaacs, "Any Place I Hang My Hat"

"The world is big enough for all our dreams" -- Unknown

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus

"The world was a noisy place full of silence." -- from "A Woman of the World"

"Doing nothing is about making a conscious decision to not accelerate the drama." -- Elizabeth Wurtzel

"When we have arrived at the question, the answer is already near." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you." -- Peter De Vries

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -- Thomas Alva Edison

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." -- Muriel Rukreyser

"The best way out is always through." -- Robert Frost

"I'm sure not afraid of success and I've learned not to be afraid of failure. The only thing I'm afraid of now is of being someone I don't like much." -- Anna Quindlen

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -- e.e. cummings

"If you decide at some point in your life that your vocation is to raise your own children full time, you will surely be criticized by those who think you're wasting your intellect. And if you decide to combine full-time work outside your home with a family within it, you will be criticized for not juggling as well as a circus performer. We live in a country that trashes poor women who will not leave their children to go out to work, and trashes well-to-do women who will." -- Anna Quindlen (from a commencement speech she delivered May 2005 at Barnard College)

"Tell all the truth, but tell it slant." -- Emily Dickinson

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices." -- Albus Dumbledore

"I really need a break from myself. A little vacation on the soothing shores of somebody else's mind." -- Catherine Newman

"You always want to tell the story instead of having the story told about you." -- Michael Wolff

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good." -- Vaclav Havel

"I write for myself -- and through myself, for everyone." -- Natalie Goldberg

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." -- Soren Kierkegaard

"The histories of vampires and people are not so different, really. How many of us can honestly see our own reflection? ... In the exposing light of day, how many of our dark truths would cause us to feel an agony we could not endure? Even the most inexperienced vampires know they must avoid the sun at all costs." -- Lynda Barry

Summer's sweet end

For one golden moment, the summer of my son's childhood seemed like it would last forever. Colter and I were outside playing catch. We stretched, jumped, and crouched, each trying to throw the ball toward the other's mitt. It was 7 p.m. The moon and the sun sat above us in the same sky, and in those waning hours before sleep brought school's beginning, anything still seemed possible.

An hour later, Colter was in the bath, playing with toys and washing his hair. Our thoughts had turned to the second-grade desk he would be filling with school supplies in the morning, without his best friends nearby. Their unexpected move, which we had learned about only the night before, was a lesson for him that sometimes life changes faster than we do.

Before long, he was tucked in bed, wrapped up in his blanket like it was a cocoon, protecting the fragile butterfly wings he had sprouted these last few months. Soon enough, he will be in the fall of his middle-school years, then the winter of high school and, I hope, the renewal of spring and college. For now, I feel summer ending.

No more long sunny days when there is all the time in the world, when it's OK to eat ice cream at midnight, to swim for hours without going anywhere, to float, to do nothing at all and yet feel like you're not missing a thing. Everything and nothing happen all at once in summer.

Summer is a luxurious happiness. The opposite of dark, gray, cold, lonely winter, summer is warm and welcoming, serving us life like lemonade on a tray. We drink up.

We take ourselves off autopilot, and our senses awaken. We become creatures not of our habits but of our habitats. We remember that our lives are not the tides, being pulled by the planets around us, but what's happening beneath, on the ocean floor. There is treasure buried there, pieces of gold that sometimes surface. How much we find depends on how deep we're willing to dive and how much oxygen we bring along.

Summer is the twilight between seasons in my son's life. It is when he stretches without feeling the strain and evolves, like the Pokemon and Digimon he loves.

These are smooth days, with no ripples, that somehow still cast long shadows behind them. How can something invisible leave a mark? And yet it does, like the passage of time.

I return to my son's room to check on him and he is asleep. Summer is over. There is no turning back. It is time to pack lunches, arrange playdates, and return to our regularly scheduled lives. Until next summer.

This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.