Mom in the Mirror

The best back-handed compliment

In preparation for a column I'm writing, I asked my husband what one thing he'd change about me if he could change anything. His response was not fit for family publication, so I asked again. He seemed stumped (believe me, it was his lack of imagination, not my lack of flaws). Finally, I prompted him. Maybe you'd change how bossy I am? "No," he said, "I like how bossy you are." I laughed and he clarified: "I mean you're just the right amount of bossy ... You keep our family motivated without being overbearing." What one thing would you change about your spouse?

Big fish, little pond

We had a student-led conference last night during which Colter showed us his portfolio, his test scores, his goals and his action plans. He was so proud, as were we. He's at the top of the charts (or off them) for reading and math; it's only his writing that lags behind -- how ironic is that? He's been given extra responsibilities to keep him interested (he's the class banker) and he loves it.

We also received his gifted report card earlier this week (he spends one day a week in the pull-out program). His grades there were low to average, which seemed to make perfect sense to him.

I think he likes being a big fish in a little pond in his regular classroom and then a little fish in a big pond in his gifted class. Which would you rather be, big fish or little?

Three big words

In every long-term relationship, there's a turning point -- a moment, or series of moments, when someone goes from being important to being essential. I usually only recognize those moments in hindsight. But last night, I had the thrill of experiencing a turning point as it happened.

Jill has been a friend to me since I started at my job over a year ago. She took me out to dinner, took me shopping, took me under her wing. She's a fellow mother, a broadcast pioneer, and a mentor.

Last night, we spent the evening talking about my professional future. She asked questions, probed ambiguities, and generally encouraged me to lead her toward my vision. After we finished off the Chinese food and four hours of deep work, it was time for me to leave. I was full in every way.

Because she's a mom, and it was 11 p.m., she had me call her while I walked to the elevator, then out onto the street, and it wasn't until after my car started that we were ready to hang up. When we were, she said, "I love you" for the first time. It's been a long time since a non-relative said, "I love you," and it felt so warm and wonderful and welcoming, just like Jill.

I know now that she will always be a friend. Because I love her, too.

Tell me about your best friend and how you knew she'd be in your life forever.

Talkus interruptus

One of the reasons I married Gary is because of his sophisticated ability to make ... conversation (what, you thought I was going to say something else?). So why is it that since Colter has been born it's so hard to find the time and energy to actually talk to each other about anything but our son? Our discussions have lots of very interesting beginnings, but their middles and ends are lost in homework, dinner, and more pressing matters. By the time Colter's asleep, we've either forgotten where they were headed or too exhausted to care. I think, more than anything else, this is what I miss from our pre-parenting years. What do you miss the most?

Same book, different page

Gary very gently reminded me last night that we need to stick with one strategy when we're dealing with Colter -- his or mine. You know, "be on the same page." I know he's right. I know it. And yet, when we're in the thick of something with Colter, I find myself disagreeing with Gary in front of Colter, who knows how to use the conflict to his advantage. Why can't I just ride it out quietly until after Colter's in bed, then discuss it with Gary privately? I think because I have a physical aversion to anything that might hurt my child needlessly, even if it's my husband who is inadvertently causing the pain. Is this a bad thing? I just don't know.

Colter's first kiss

Colter's always been very honest with us. He comes home from school and tells us if he got in trouble, he tells us what other kids say and do that gets them into trouble, and Sunday morning, he confessed that a few weeks ago (Dec. 27, actually), he kissed a girl for the first time.

I know the date because I remember the day -- it was when this blonde bombshell who is here every other weekend staying with her dad told Colter she liked him, liked him. Turns out, he liked her too. Just after she said that, he leaned over and kissed her on the lips.

Why did he tell us yesterday? Maybe because he told us over the weekend that they were playing spin the bottle outside -- but only hugging -- and that started a conversation that continued, about how Colter's feelings are changing and his body will change, too.

He and Aleshia are just friends again. She has another boyfriend and Colter has no interest in any other girls. For now. Meanwhile, we re-read "What's the big secret?" at bedtime.

I still remember my first kiss. Do you remember yours?

Gone to the gaming side

I really resisted when Colter wanted a Game Boy and then a GameCube, but now I'm so glad we allowed him both (paid for with his own money). He got a Game Boy when he was 5 and the GameCube when he was 6. They've stoked his imagination and, perhaps more importantly, his desire to collaborate. He sometimes plays them alone, but more often he plays them with friends, and most often he plays them with Gary (who was given his own Game Boy system as a gift from Colter, so that they could link up and share Pokemon).

Colter reads very detailed guide books so that he can proceed to the next level in various games, and he is so satisfied as his abilities grow. I realize they're not what most people would consider educational, and yet Colter has developed some really important social, emotional, and creative skills from this type of play. Plus, they've been a great way for he and Gary to bond.

They haven't diminished the amount of time we play card games or board games or go swimming or out in general, so overall I feel they've done Colter more good than harm. What has your experience been with gaming?

When your son is more social than you

Every time the phone rings, Colter answers. Which is good, because it's usually for him. Did I mention he's 7?

A diet of decadence

With all the gizmos and gadgets at our disposal, why can't there be an electronic instrument that signals me before I overspend, overeat, overindulge?

Just curious

I'm not complaining, just wondering why workplaces would provide women with free baskets of tampons and pads. I mean, if we're old enough to be employed, shouldn't we be prepared for these sorts of ... eventualities?