Same book, different page

Gary very gently reminded me last night that we need to stick with one strategy when we're dealing with Colter -- his or mine. You know, "be on the same page." I know he's right. I know it. And yet, when we're in the thick of something with Colter, I find myself disagreeing with Gary in front of Colter, who knows how to use the conflict to his advantage. Why can't I just ride it out quietly until after Colter's in bed, then discuss it with Gary privately? I think because I have a physical aversion to anything that might hurt my child needlessly, even if it's my husband who is inadvertently causing the pain. Is this a bad thing? I just don't know.

Comments

[TW]

I definitely agree with letting the father and urchin have their own relationship and work things out without me. It's hard sometimes, but the only time I really step in now is if I feel the Hunter is missing the necessary information, and then we step into another room to discuss it. I do not, however, think hiding all disagreements from children is a good thing. When they see two adults who love each other can disagree--sometimes vehemently--yet work it out and still love each other they learn a valuable life lesson. Or so goes my theory.

[Kelly]

You know, I have struggled with this for Tyler's whole life, with his father and with his step-father. What I have discovered and have nearly integrated, is that I have to let them have their own relationship. By letting it play out the way they are creating it they each get to come to their *conclusion* and then I can go back in later and point things out to them individually, alone. Noone feels their toes are being stepped on and I don't look like I'm trying to be the boss of everyone and everything. As I've done this, Chris and I have gotten more and more on the same page. He is much more open to looking honestly at his reactions or his behavior if I speak to him about it later and point out what I've observed and what I think could work better. It's kind of like being an editor, tread lightly on other people's work, make suggestions that are *opinion*...they're more likely to be open to them that way.

Another thing that has helped me is to remember that they are in each others life for a reason as well, that they have things they have to work out together. I can't say what their relationship should be. I don't need to be the human bridge between them. Giving them the chance to work out their differences is the best gift I can give them. And they have! They get on so much better now that I just leave the room if they get into it. I trust that Chris is never going to do anything that will truly harm Tyler, that sometimes we have to hurt to get to a place of healing.

sorry for such a long answer...