Scary setbacks

It could have been cracking crablegs for Colter, it could have been walking in the heat to the Renaissance festival, but most likely it was sitting down in the grass (then getting up) that set my lower back into spasms which kept me in bed from Friday night until this morning.

The thing is, even though I knew it was my back, I felt terrified that it was really my liver, complications from the surgery, the beginning of the end. Again. Granted, I'm prone to catastrophic thinking. And the increased medication only depressed me further, even though it helped relax my muscles and heal them. Nevertheless, there was no rationalizing away the terror that surrounded me and the blame I carried (I was feeling so well I got arrogant, careless, stupid).

Not coincidentally, Colter's behavior began to deteriorate Saturday when he spent hours off and on screaming because we didn't have Chef Boyardee cheese ravioli or Popeye's biscuits and then screaming again Tuesday when Gary wouldn't go to Smokey Bones to get him a cheeseburger.

In my head, I know we can help him manage his behavior better  -- especially after a session by phone yesterday with his psychologist that reminded us of the bottom line on setting and enforcing limits: Gary needs to soften up and I need to toughen up. It helped that Colter came home very happy from school yesterday and so it was easier for him to be on his best behavior all night.

And I know there's no reason to believe I'm slipping down the kind of downhill decline I've seen others face after a difficult illness.

But in my heart, I'm still so afraid. And the slightest setback is enough to unlock the bad dreams and monsters that haunt me. The fact is: the future is uncertain -- Colter's, mine, our family's. And there's nothing scarier to me than that.

Comments

[Tammy and the Boys < :3 )~~~~]

I won't even try to tell you not to worry. You have the same type of personality of my mom! No matter what anyone says or does to try to comfort you, you will still worry (especially at night...am I right?).

What I can say to you is what I tell my mom: Give yourself a break. It's okay to be worried about all of the possibilities of what might happen but let the guilt go about what you might have done to cause it. Ya know? The guilt is worse than the rest of it. Guilt is over rated anyway!

Grab your hubby and your son and give them big hugs and kisses. That's all that really matters in the end...isn't it?

[Lilian]

This sounds scary indeed, Julie, even if it's not related to your surgery. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. I'm glad you are recovering and I hope you do so as fully as possible. I prayed for you back in June when you had surgery and thought about you when I looked at my blogroll.

I only remembered to check your blog today, since I've been very busy all this summer with dissertation work. Well, thanks for updates and beautiful posts about your family and you and your son. I also have been enjoying the posts about the Gilmore Girls, I never followed it closely, but I think I will start to since there's nothing I watch regularly on TV anyway!