Why Him?

This post was inspired by Robin P.'s post at DotMoms

I'll never forget when I was in my twenties, going over to an acquaintance's house. He was a friend of a friend, back in town, living with his parents, as he went to grad school at UNC Chapel Hill. In his parent's living room were pictures. Two young boys played with two young parents. The collection of pictures showed a progression from infants to toddlers, from toddlers to school age, through Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts and from little league through high school. Then the pictures took an abrupt change, only one child was featured in them. It was my acquaintance, from his first day of college to his graduation.

What had happened to the other boy? Why wasn't he in any pictures from the last several years? I was afraid to ask. I assumed he had died.

Later, when I was alone with my friend, I asked what had happened to the boy, and commented that I didn't bring him up because I feared it would be too painful. I was right, not about the boy dieing, but about it being painful. And it was a pain that the family couldn't escape. The boy in the pictures had separated from the family, and had joined the American Nazi Party. He held an important office within the party, and had been in the news off and on for the last few months.

According to my friend, his parents were liberal, tolerant, people of faith and educators at a very liberal university. They had raised both boys the same, but for some reason one turned out kind and accepting, while the other preached hate and intolerance.

I feel for the parent's of killers, of truly evil souls. Some of these parents did nothing but love and teach love, but not all children are able to learn those lessons. When I look at my own son, I see that there is only so much I can do. And while I don't suspect that he will be a killer, or even an evil person, I do know that he will be his own person someday. And I will love him no matter what, no matter whether I like what he's become or not. I will love him.

I kinda suspect that I'll like him as well.

How do you feel, are the parents of killers to blame?

Comments

[Robin P]

That's a tough question. I guess every situation is different. The parents of the trench coat mafia from Columbine seemed oblivious as to what their kids were up to. They seemed to have a lot of free, unsupervised time on their hands so in some way I think their apathy was to blame for their kids behavior.

Parents who teach love, kindness and tolerance and really live what they preach can't be responsible if their child turns out to be a nazi, I guess. In that situation they really did all they could.

I'll get back to you in 10 years when I see where Lillianna is at 17, ok?

[Cyndy]

Having no children, I feel I might not be qualified to answer....but Ted Bundy had siblings, as does the Unibomber, Timothy McVeigh, etc., etc. I do subscribe to environment making an important issue for a child growing up, but how would that explain kids in the same family turning out so vastly different? I don't know...sometimes I think that some people are just going to go south on you no matter what.

[Rockchild]

I don't think all parents are to blame for their sons or daughters being bad, so I feel sorry for them.

There is this mean kid who picks on me alot, but I can't blame his parents because I never met them. Just wish he would stop hitting me with eggs, because he's wasting food!

[debby]

I don't blame the parents but I do think some of the responsibility has to be shared when the parents have no clue what is going on in the life of the child.
My parents raised my sister and I the SAME. Identically. We could not be 2 more different people as far as work ethics, morals and family values. Go figure.

[AGK]

It really does depend on the situation. For instance, what one of my brothers did, I do blame my mom because she didn't care enough to teach us anything good. But one thing I often teach in my teen parenting mission (whatever you want to call it), is that I can teach my children all day long the options they have and how to say no or protect themselves, but I can't stand over them 24 hours a day and make sure they follow through. It comes down to the old adage: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't him drink. You can teach your child how to care, but you can MAKE them nice.

[AGK]

EDIT EDIT EDIT! That's what I get for replying to a message while writing this comment!

again:
It comes down to the old adage: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can teach your child how to care, but you cannot MAKE them nice.

[Nancy]

... but somewhere inside, the pain must be awful! You must sitll love the child in your heart ~ perhaps not like the man he has become - but you still love the child you gave life to!
We sometimes take for granted (or are not at all aware of) the immense responsibility God has placed on us when He allowed us to become parents.