Virtual Rants

Duck and Cover

We're running late…

"I have to make it to school by 9, Daddy," Colter pleaded, "we're having a Red Alert Lockdown Drill today"

"In my day it was Duck and Cover Drills," I said "there were hundreds of atomic bombs aimed at the U.S., so we practiced what to do if one should hit near our school."

The enemy has changed, but the message is the same.

"This CAN be a scary world," I thought, "especially for a kid."

That's when we were rear-ended. I saw glass breaking and heard screaming, when I turned to see, Colter was crying that his head hurt. I was glad not to see blood, but I dialed 911. We're basically OK. He has a headache, and we were warned before leaving the hospital that it could hurt more the next day. Oh, and the windshield didn't break, it was my glasses flying off my head that I saw.

The point:

Code Red,

Duck and Cover,

A rear-ender.

This CAN be a scary world, especially for kids… and for parents.

When it Rains...

...it pours. Over 2 inches last night, and most of it fell in three hours.

What's up with your weather?

You Taught Him What?

I 'm way out of the loop.

New Math:

OK, Math has always been my strong suit, and it was my son's as well until he was taught the most counterintuitive way to multiply double digit numbers. Remember he is in the gifted program, but this math is taught in his regular 3rd grade class. Colter got all of his problems wrong on the practice test. His friend, Joey (also gifted) did just as badly.

What does that tell you?

According to Colter's math book, this type of math is taken from "Lattice Math," used in Europe during the 14th and 15th century.

According to some scholars the 14th and 15th centuries were still considered the medieval times in much of Europe.

Anyway that you look at it, this math breaks the natural linear flow of the problem. I told Julie that I was so appalled that they would adopt this "New Math" that I decided to start a write in campaign to stop its use in our elementary schools. When I showed her the problem, she calmly stated, "oh, that’s how I was taught to do math."

OK, that made me feel old.

What is your child being taught that you find ridiculous?

Back for Seconds

Gefilte Fish doesn't have to be that creepy gelatinous mass languishing in a dusty jar of mysterious liquid. Gefilte fish actual means "stuffed" fish, and it runs the gambit from the store-bought mass mentioned above, to deep-fried fish fritters, to a whole fish, with the meat removed, de-boned, seasoned and stuffed back into the skin. I'm even considering making a Tuna tartare version. But until then, this recipe will have to do.

After a failed attempt at making "traditional" gefilte fish, I decided that it would be the one food at the Passover Seder that I would politely refuse. You see, I was raised as a WASP, and the thought of serving cold chopped fish cakes out of a jar was utterly foreign. Then I had the fortune of encountering salmon gefilte fish at a gourmet market. Out of respect for the old ways, I keep my gefilte fish looking familiar. But I assure you this is not the fish that everyone takes a small taste of out of respect, then feeds the rest of it to the cat under the table. This is the gefilte fish that brings Jews and Gentiles back for seconds.

What are your favorite Passover recipes?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Gary's Fresh Gefilte Fish

Savory stock:

2 quarts of water

2 cans of chicken stock

(most bullion is made with yeast, so use canned or homemade broth for Passover,)

1 small bunch of scallions (6-8 coarsely chopped)

1 Tbs. Dried mint

1 Tbs. Dried rosemary

1 Tbs. Dried sweet basil

2 tsp. sugar (optional)

2 tsp. salt

Several dashes of white pepper

Fish patties:

1 medium sweet onion minced and sautéed in olive oil then cooled

2 cloves of garlic smashed and sautéed in olive oil then cooled

2 large or extra large eggs.

2 tsp. sugar (optional)

1 tsp. salt

Several dashes of white pepper

2 lbs. Firm light colored fish (sea bass, haddock, tilapia, cod or basa,)

½ to 1 cup matzo meal

In a food processor, puree ¾ of the fish and finely chop ¼.

In a large mixing bowl add fish and all other ingredients and mix, adding the matzo meal last, a little at a time until the consistency is a just drier than matzo balls, but still holds together.

Cover and refrigerate for 20 minutes.

With wet hands, use about 3 Tbs. of fish mixture, and form into small oval patties.

Simmer in stock half a batch at a time for 15 - 20 minutes each.

Remove patties from stock and refrigerate.

Serve cold, or sautéed.

Makes about 20 small patties.

The stock can be saved for the start of a wonderful soup.

Warning:

Failure to follow all instructions could result in serious personal injuries such as broken bones, cuts, nerve damage, spinal or brain injury, or death. Property damage may also occur. (Sure am glad they added that last line.)

What kind of birthday greeting is that? It’s the kind that came posted on Colter's (9^th) birthday present, an adjustable basketball goal.

This didn't seem like the proper way to start a birthday celebration. So I told him its just a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo they put there so that we won't sue the manufacturer in case of an accident. What it should say is this:

Don't be showing off trying to hang on the rim. This thing'll snap in half, sending metal shards flying right through one of your arteries so that blood will be spurting everywhere. Then the thing will come crashing down on your head, knocking you clear back to kindergarten. So, Happy Friggin' Litigious-Free Birthday Kid.

What silly warnings have you read recently?

Long Nails, Sun Bleached Hair, and Considerable Cleavage

That's what I saw yesterday and I'm left wondering; "how much of it is real?"

Just asking!

We dumped the Country Club, and joined a Spa. I feel like we've traded in:

"what, you don't make three figures…in interest,"

for,

"so who's your trainer."

But at least when I walk out to the pool I don't feel the suffocating stuffiness of the rich, gray haired crowd with bridge playing women and golf playing men. Instead I feel a young, care-free, less formal air, that fits perfectly and feels non-judgmental, untill I look down at my waist-line.

Well, I'll work on that first, then on my portfolio.

How do you feel when you walk into a congregation with perfect hair, flawless clothes, and more than ample plastic surgery?

Tipping?

We drove the half mile to a Spa on the bay, where they served a French buffet. We sat outside enjoying the wonderful weather, and a delicious leek and potato soup. The waitress brought my Beck's and my son's burger, while Julie and I helped ourselves to muscles, filet's and some of the best scalloped potatoes that I've ever tried. Ah, and desserts.

Of course the check came and it was large as expected, but how much do I tip the waitress? I almost always tip 20%, but in this case, we did half the work … 10% ? That just seems wrong. OK, how about 20% on the non-buffet items? No, that comes out to less than 10%. "Don't tip too low," Julie replied, "we'll be coming back." I settled on 15%. It wasn't the full 20, but also not insulting.

How much should one pay when half of the meal is from a buffet?

Water, Water Everywhere

Lights flicker on and off, windows rattle from the battering of crazed winds, and my roof struggles to stay attached. I would check to see if my flight is delayed, but both the cable modem and the phone die each time the electricity dips. I wait as long as I dare, then venture out, into the storm.

On sunny days I know how lucky I am to live in an area, surrounded by water. When golden light shimmers on the waves, nothing is more tranquil, but when the weather turns, it can get downright ugly.

As I drive over an earth and rock bridge at the low end of Tampa Bay, I'm overwhelmed by ferocity of the dark gray waves as they collide with the bridge's stony banks. Sea spray assaults my car shrouding the road in ambiguity and deepening my uncertainty. High tide has brought the Bay within inches of the road, and I press on comforted only by a shaky faith that I've already seen the worst.

I've heard that the Eskimos have hundreds of words to describe snow. I suddenly feel the need to bolster my lexicon for describing water.

What dominates your landscape? What words do you use to describe it?